The odd noise of exertion here and there is fine, but if you are grunting and puffing and blowing your cheeks out to the point where bits of spit are starting to fly around, take some weight off, it’s obviously too much for you.
39
Don’t tell people you box
You participate in a boxing class. It’s different.
40
No naked parading in the change rooms
I don’t care how good your body is, I don’t want to see it striding from one end of the change room to the other, or bending over while you rummage around in your gym bag for your matching bra and lacy thong set. You have a towel, use it.
41
No vigorous towelling
Pat or blot yourself dry after a shower. Don’t rub yourself so hard that all your bits start wobbling and jiggling about. Just accept that it may not be possible to get yourself bone dry when you’re in a communal change area—that’s why talcum powder was invented. Channel your inner old lady and throw a bit of powdery talc around down there instead.
42
Keep two feet firmly planted on the ground at all times
Under no circumstances should you treat the change room like a woodchopping event. Don’t even think about putting one foot up on the bench and then using that towel like a two-handed saw, going back and forth between your legs. If that’s how you must dry yourself, wait for an individual cubicle to become available and have a go at yourself in private.
43
The park is not a gym
Take your kettle bells, your giant ropes and your lumpy male trainers shouting, ‘Don’t give up on me, Doyanne! (Dianne)’ and get out of what should be a lovely green space in which to relax, perambulate, picnic or just play on the swings. (If you’re a child that is—please don’t be one of those cutesy girl-women who giggles and gets her date to push her on the swing in a bid to be adorable.)
AGEING GRACEFULLY
44
Old men should not have long hair
Cut the ponytail off, fellas. The bad news is, it probably wasn’t even cool way back when you were young, but now it’s even less cool and it’s making everyone around you a bit sad.
45
Don’t lie about your age
The number one thing to remember about getting older (aside from the fact that old men shouldn’t have long hair) is that lying about your age is pointless. If you try to appear younger by knocking a few years off when you state your age, all anyone thinks is, Wow, she looks dreadful! or Does this old bat think I’m stupid?
When someone asks me how old I am, I prefer to add a few years rather than take them off. That way people will think, Gee, she looks pretty damn good for sixty-five! However, this trick doesn’t always go to plan. The inherent and ever-present danger is that when you tell someone you’re sixty-five and you’re really only forty-five, they may simply take you at your word and think, Yeah, that seems about right.
46
Put your feet away
Nothing gives away your age faster than cracked white heels and gnarly, split, yellow toenails. There is an odd phenomenon that occurs when men retire—for some reason they refuse to wear shoes anymore and instead decide to live out the rest of their lives in sandals. It’s like suddenly they want everyone to bear witness to the hideous crime scene they have going on at the end of each ankle.
When I hit retirement age, I plan to petition the government for a pensioner pedicure subsidy for both men and women. A weekly pedicure for the elderly is a great idea. For a start it prevents an old person’s feet from turning into a pair of festering petri-dish experiments, but more importantly, it provides a much-needed social outing for lonely seniors. After all, the manicurist is the perfect captive audience, trapped at the business end of the pedicure chair while the old person chatters away.
47
Don’t start singing like a Bee Gee
If you are having trouble hitting all the notes in your regular singing voice due to age, taking it up a notch and trying to sing in the key of ‘old lady falsetto’ isn’t going to help. Just turn your volume down and drone along quietly instead.
48
No one wants to hear about your ailments
That doesn’t mean you have to stop talking about them, just be aware that there is not a person in the world who is interested, not even friends the same age as you. The only reason they willingly listen to you talk about your various afflictions is so they can rabbit on about their own ailments the minute your mouth stops moving. It’s a bore exchange.
49
Leave the waitstaff alone
Flirting with waiters half your age is unseemly and could also be viewed as a mild form of solicitation—because waiters will always be polite and often times flirt right back—but it’s only because they want a tip. Ergo, you’re only getting their attention because you’re paying for it.
Men, no matter what age they are, flirt with waitstaff. They do it when they’re young and they keep doing it when they get old. And they always think they’re being incredibly charming. They’re not. For women, however, flirting with waitstaff is only something they tend to take up with enthusiasm once they hit middle age. It’s like they’ve finally found their confidence and suddenly they think it’s a bit cheeky and hilarious to hit on fit, young waiters. But it isn’t. For while the woman may see herself as a real cougar, all the waiter sees is a mangy old housecat yowling for attention.
50
Don’t pretend you don’t need glasses
If you’re holding the menu at arm’s length, you need glasses. If the font on your phone is billboard-sized and can be read by someone at the other end of the train carriage, you really need glasses.
51
Don’t use the word ‘pash’ anymore
Once you are forty, the time for pashing is well past. You can still do it if you must, but please find another word to describe it.
52
Have a mirror right next to the front door
You might not want to look at your ageing self but remember, a mirror is your best friend. And having a mirror right next to the front door, preferably a magnifying mirror, should be mandatory for all people aged forty-five and over. Basically, you want to do a quick check before you leave the house. You’re looking for renegade hairs and they could be anywhere: upper lip and chin for ladies; ears and nose (inside and out) if you’re a man. You want to remove anything that would transfix a small child and have them reaching out to tug it.
You also need to keep an eye out for those random straggly eyebrows that are so long you can only assume they’ve been growing out of your face since birth. How else do you explain the absurd length of them?
Once you’re happy you’re not leaving the house looking like the missing link, then do a quick once-over of your clothes, checking for any food spills. At a certain