My Christmas Wish. Julia Williams

I know you are in the ground. I have put flowers on your grave. Your bones will rot and crumble away. One day there will be nothing left.

      But if there is nothing left, why do I remember you?

      Your son

      Joe

      Dear Mum,

      I looked at Venus tonight through my telescope. The one you gave me for my last birthday.

      Do you remember telling me that Grandad was a star when he died?

      Maybe you are too.

      If you are a star, I think you must be Venus because it is the evening and the morning star. And you used to get me up in the morning and put me to bed at night when I was little.

      It is a long time since you tucked me into bed. But I wish you were still here to do it.

      Now it’s just Dad and me. And nothing is the same.

      When I look at Venus I will think of you.

      And I will remember you always.

      Your son

      Joe

       Winter, this year

      Dear Mum,

      It is January now.

      The weather is cold.

      The house feels cold too, because you are not there.

      How does that work? It isn’t logical.

      But you were here and the house felt warm. And now it doesn’t.

      Your son

      Joe

      Dear Mum,

      Dad isn’t very well.

      He doesn’t talk much and is very sad.

      He is also very tired.

      Granny says he needs his beauty sleep.

      Will that make him happy do you think?

      They talk in whispers a lot. I think they worry about me. Granny says I spend too much time in the loft.

      But I like it here. No one bothers me.

      And I look at the stars and feel close to you.

      Your son

      Joe

      Dear Mum,

      Today Dad and I went to put flowers on your grave. Freesias; your favourite. And roses because Dad likes them.

      It is six week since your accident. Dad cried again. He tries not to do it in front of me, but he cries a lot now. I think he misses you.

      I miss you too.

      I miss you saying, “Now Joe it’s time for school.”

      I miss you taking me for hot chocolate.

      I miss talking to you at the end of the day.

      There are a lot of graves in the graveyard. I wonder where all the other people who’ve died are now?

      Do their families miss them too?

      There are so many people who must have died in the earth’s history. Billions upon billions. There are billions of stars too.

      I think every single one must be a star.

      Just like you are.

      Your son

      Joe

      Dear Mum,

      Even though it is very cold today, I remembered a day you bought me ice cream.

      I hit a boy at school. That was bad. But he kept shouting at me because I didn’t want to play Power Rangers. Power Rangers was a stupid game and I didn’t like it. He wouldn’t go away and he and his friends kept telling me I had to play. Why did I have to play? I knew I was getting angry and tried to take deep breaths the way you always told me too.

      They laughed at me when I started rocking back and forth. I tried to find Mrs Thomas but she wasn’t there. I tried to run away from the boys, but they followed me. So I hit the boy who wanted me to play Power Rangers. And then there was trouble.

      I know I shouldn’t have hit that boy. But he shouldn’t have shouted at me. He should have left me alone. I cried and said I was sorry, but I had to come home from school early that day.

      You said it didn’t matter, and bought me an ice cream, and everything was ok.

      I like ice cream.

      Your son

      Joe

      Dear Mum,

      I think sometimes you were sick when I was little. You used to fall asleep a lot when I asked for help with my homework. I didn’t like to wake you up.

      Once Dad wasn’t there and you were asleep for a long long time. The lights were off and I was too small to reach the switch. I thought you might be dead. I was hungry but there was no dinner.

      When you woke up your face was read and blotchy and you cried. I don’t know why you cried.

      Perhaps it was because you were ill.

      We had pizza for dinner today and you said I shouldn’t tell Dad you were ill. Otherwise he’d be worried.

      I didn’t tell Dad.

      Your son

      Joe

      Dear Mum,

      I don’t know why you are dead. Why was it my mum who got knocked over and killed in a car park?

      There are lots of bad people; dictators, murderers, terrorists – who are all alive. So why are you dead? You weren’t a bad person.

      Sometimes you did do bad things.

      I didn’t like it when you forgot to pick me up from school. That was a bad thing.

      But mainly you did good things.

      Like making me hot chocolate and helping me to stay calm when I was upset.

      That was good. You were a good person.

      So why are you dead, and all the bad people are still alive?

      That isn’t right.

      Your son

      Joe

      Dear Mum,

      Venus was very bright this morning when I got up. I told Dad it was you, but I don’t think he understood me. I don’t think Dad always understands me very well. Not the way you did. But he tries. So that’s good.