‘This is my big plan,’ said Ellie, looking dejected. ‘It’s only going to sound stupid now.’
‘We were expecting that though,’ said Julia kindly.
Ellie pouted a bit more. Then she bucked herself up and smiled.
‘Okay. Here’s my plan. We all take some time off work.’
‘Can’t be done,’ said Siobhan instantly.
‘… say, a month.’
‘Ha!’
‘Then, go to America and hire a car.’
‘Why?’ asked Julia.
‘Okay. Here comes the science bit.’
‘Hang on,’ said Arthur. He refilled his glass. ‘Okay. I’m ready.’
‘We go to California and find the Brat Pack. And demand some answers.’
She sat back, legs crossed, waiting for the reaction. Everyone looked at everyone else to try and gauge the state of play.
‘Hedgehog, darling,’ said Julia, sitting down on the floor next to her friend.
‘You know we love you. But what the hell are you talking about?’
‘Look at us! We’ve already agreed something’s going wrong somewhere, haven’t we?’
‘Err, had we?’
‘Yes, we had, Ikea freaks.’ Ellie stood up. ‘We are going to find those Gods of our youth, and get them to explain a few things. Like – what the hell happened? You guys promised us the world in the 1980s, and you didn’t get it and we didn’t get it either and now we’re all getting fat together and it’s WRONG. Your films made growing up look fun. And it’s not. It’s cynical and stupid and boring. It grinds you down and makes you worry about acronyms you don’t understand, like – I don’t know; “ISA” and “SERPS”. And IKEA. And it rains all the time. And my Visa bill is due. It’s time for us to get out for a bit. Because otherwise, we are going to be worrying about fucking PAYE and nothing else for the REST OF OUR LIVES.’
There was a long silence.
Siobhan lightly put her hand on her friend’s leg. ‘Hedge, I’m not trying to be horrible about your idea or anything, but – all of them? You know, I’m not sure they all live in the same house like Morecambe and Wise.’
‘That doesn’t matter! Don’t you see? Look at what happened. They were told they were going to be the biggest movie stars in the world. Then they told us everything was going to work out great. Well, it didn’t work out great for Robert Downey Junior and it didn’t work out great for Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez married Paula Abdul, and it’s not working out for us either. And I want to know why.’
The friends looked around at each other.
‘Do you think we’d really find them all in a month?’ said Julia. ‘It sounds a bit like Pokemon.’
‘Well,’ Ellie sat back down and got out a sheet of paper, ‘I thought we could start with the hardest one. I mean, no point in having a big quest to find Judd Nelson – he’s in LA with Brooke Shields looking fat and disappointed. So I thought we’d …’
‘Hang on,’ said Siobhan, putting her hand up. ‘Can we just take a quick time out? Julia, why don’t you remind everyone what happened when we all tried to go and see American Psycho together.’
‘Well,’ began Julia with a practised air. ‘We decided we were going to go two weeks beforehand. Then no-one would take responsibility for booking the tickets, so I had to do it at the last minute, so we could only get the five o’clock showing, so Siobhan wouldn’t come because she was working, then they wouldn’t believe Colin was eighteen and he didn’t get in, then the Hedge phoned me up and told me she was bringing some more people so I booked some more tickets then they got drunk and completely forgot – you still owe me £42 plus booking fee by the way – all about it then I had to take Loxy out halfway through because he was frightened.’
She took a breath.
‘And now we’re going to plan a month in America?’ Siobhan asked.
‘Darling, it’s a lovely idea, and we definitely need a holiday, and I know we talked about the Brat Pack thing – but a month? Haven’t you seen Dead Calm?’
‘But that’s how long it will take,’ said Ellie stubbornly. ‘To find Andrew McCarthy.’
‘Aha!’ said Julia, scandalized. ‘That’s what this is all about.’
‘What do you mean?’ Ellie tried to look innocent and failed.
‘This is what your plan’s all about. You just want to meet some childhood fantasy object.’
‘No I don’t,’ said Ellie, unconvincingly.
‘What would you do if you actually met Andrew McCarthy? If he walked into this room right now?’
‘I’d ask him lots of important questions about life and how the culture of the 1980s changed us all. That’s why we’re all going. It’ll be an educational trip into our past, to help us understand ourselves.’
There was a long silence.
‘You’re absolutely sure,’ said Siobhan finally, ‘that you wouldn’t try and have sex with him.’
‘Yup,’ said Ellie.
‘Isn’t he gay, anyway?’ said Arthur.
‘He’s so not,’ said Siobhan, Julia and Ellie simultaneously.
‘Okay,’ said Julia. ‘Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t ask him to marry you.’
Ellie sighed and looked at the floor.
‘Look. Just because he is not an unattractive man does not mean this isn’t an important quest for all of us. Come on guys. It would be brilliant. Don’t you see? It would just properly close our twenties. Try and move on. And it will be something brilliant we could all do together. All of us, once and for all, before we all settle down and do a George and Annabel.’
‘Can I come?’ piped up Colin.
‘No.’
‘So,’ said Siobhan slowly. ‘Let me just make sure I’ve got this straight. You want us all to take one month off work and travel thousands of miles on some wild goose chase to try and find a boyfriend for you who was famous fifteen years ago and may well be dead for as much as anyone knows where he is.’
‘But he’s an eighties God!’ said Ellie.
‘I’m going to have to get a move on,’ said Siobhan heading for the door. ‘Got a busy day tomorrow.’
‘You’ve only been here five minutes!’
‘I know. Think what a month would be like. If you’re looking for a good way to end your twenties, why don’t you do the last year of Club 18–30?’
Ellie looked at her. ‘But it would be so good for you! Help you work out what to do about, you know, Patrick.’
A silence fell in the living room. They knew Siobhan well and, fussy about almost everything, she didn’t ever take kindly to people peering too deeply at her personal things. The Hedgehog had crossed over the line even by referring to the fact that Siobhan’s boyfriend had turned invisible.
Siobhan went very white.
‘What’s wrong with me and Patrick?’
Ellie gulped. ‘Well, you just never seem to see him.’
‘That’s because we’re both working hard. Everything’s