Plus, while we use the phrase ‘birth daddy’, it’s misleading as Fraser was presumably 200 miles away in Manchester, in his fancy turreted house, when Rosie was born (my own parents were with me, holding my hand and being completely fantastic). But what else to call him? ‘Biological’ brings to mind warfare – or washing powder – and ‘real dad’ wouldn’t be right either. Will is Rosie’s real father, in every way that matters.
And what a dad he is, throwing together an impromptu feast when we arrive home to celebrate Rosie’s success at the agency, despite not really approving of modelling at all. We invite Liza, plus Nina, who’s been Rosie’s best friend since their first day at school, and Ollie appears with his friends Saul and Danny. ‘When d’you think they’ll call me?’ Rosie asks when we’re all tucking into marinated lamb around our garden table.
‘Soon, I bet,’ Nina says, her light brown hair shining in the evening sun. ‘It’s going to be amazing, Ro. Oh my God. Your whole life’s going to change! You’ll get loads of free clothes and meet famous people. You’ll be invited to film premieres and parties …’
‘Just wait and see what happens,’ Liza says, placing a hand over Rosie’s. ‘Try not to stress about it, love.’
‘I won’t,’ she asserts. ‘I’m not stressed at all. It’s just …’ She bursts out laughing. ‘I’m just so excited!’ I look at my daughter, and can almost see the joy radiating from her. It’s like the old Rosie – or rather, the younger Rosie – who’d whoop with delight when we arrived at the beach, and pelt to the sea, still in a T-shirt and shorts, desperate to plunge in. She didn’t march ahead in shopping malls. She held my hand whenever we were out, and we’d spend hours at the kitchen table together, making pictures with glitter and glue.
Isn’t she the absolute image of her dad? the agency man had remarked. Well, yes – both she and Will have striking blue eyes and generous, expressive mouths. But of course, any similarities are coincidental.
In fact, she really looks like Fraser. I pretend she doesn’t – that she’s far more like me – but occasionally she’ll look a certain way, and it’s him, the boy I fell for on a train to Paris. We’d caught each other’s eye as a bunch of rowdy Scousers had burst into a rendition of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ at the other end of the carriage. ‘Don’t know about you,’ Fraser murmured, leaning across the aisle towards me, ‘but I can’t stand Queen. I actually can’t listen to them. They make me feel ill.’
‘Me too,’ I’d replied, and we’d quickly agreed that this song in particular had a fervently sick-making effect. It had bonded us, stifling laughter as the boys filled the carriage with raucous singing; by the time they reached the Beelzebub part, we were in hysterics. From that day on, we were inseparable. Although I’d had a few boyfriends before, I’d never been properly in love. And here I was, not Inter-railing alone after all but hopping around Europe with a beautiful blond boy with posh vowels and perfect teeth.
After our travels I’d wait at Euston for him to step off the Manchester train. My life revolved around our weekends together. I try not to think about it but occasionally, especially when Will seems to be inhabiting his own, private universe and stomps about with his hoe, I can’t help it. Why did Fraser just leave us like that? It seemed completely un-him. He’d always phoned every day – until he stopped phoning – and would always bring a small present for me: a necklace, a battered paperback we’d talked about, or a CD to boost my meagre collection.
‘Maybe you didn’t really know him,’ Mum said gently, meaning well but causing me to fly on the defensive. Of course I had! I’d known him for a whole eight months. Okay, put like that it didn’t seem long, but to me it had felt as if my life had been divided into two parts – before and after Fraser. I’d never met anyone I felt so right with, from the very start. Trouble was, the ‘after’ part soon lurched from our lovely weekends together, to being without him with no explanation at all.
It’s getting closer, too – the moment when Rosie will announce that she wants to track him down. It’s as inevitable as her falling in love, and leaving home and having her heart broken for the first time, and it’s terrifying.
‘Let me help with those,’ Liza says, breaking off from her conversation with Will as I gather up the plates.
‘No, it’s fine, honestly. It’s lovely out here in the sunshine. Just relax and enjoy it.’
In the kitchen, I set about loading the dishwasher, trying not to fixate on what we’ll do if Fraser turns out to be un-track-downable, or dead – or if we do find him, and he’s a whopping disappointment to Rosie. Or, perhaps worse, he turns out to be completely fantastic and she adores him instantly, and thereafter regards Will as a substandard fake dad. There’s always the option of ignoring the whole issue, and hoping it’ll miraculously go away – like when my last car started making strange grinding noises. I pretended it wasn’t happening, gamely driving around until the grinding turned into an almighty racket of things crunching and snapping and that was it, the big end – whatever that was – had ‘gone’. If only you’d dealt with it sooner, the garage mechanic told me, you’d have avoided a disaster like this.
Of course, I reflect, Fraser Johnson probably has a family of his own now and might refuse to see Rosie at all. How would that feel, to be rejected by the person who half-made her? There are so many possible outcomes, all of which make me feel a little bit sick. Through the window, I watch Will and Liza laughing at the garden table and mentally tell myself off for imagining problems when, as yet, there aren’t any. ‘We’ll deal with it if – and when – it happens,’ has been Will’s rather brave, reassuring line on the whole Fraser issue.
Just like he’s dealing with this, the prospect of Rosie launching into a world we know nothing about, which seems to involve lots of shrieking at the agency, and girls photographed with filthy hair. Really, I should just give myself a damn good shake and be grateful for what I have.
With the festival rattling towards us, work is frantic for the rest of the week. In fact, I’m grateful to have too much to do as it’s allowed me precious little time to fret over the agency man’s comment about Fraser. Thankfully, neither Rosie nor Will has mentioned it, and at home, things seem fairly harmonious. Although I suspect Rosie is on tenterhooks, waiting for a call from the agency, she is putting on a good show of pretending not to care. By the time Saturday rolls around, I’m relieved that we’re all going out, to our new neighbours’ party, with the addition of Ollie’s friend Saul who’s been hanging out with us for the day.
‘Why are you wearing that?’ Ollie asks as I trot downstairs, ready to go.
‘You mean a dress?’ I look down at it. It’s a simple pale blue shift, and is – I thought, until a moment ago – quite flattering.
‘Yeah. We’re only going to the neighbours’ …’
‘Yes, our neighbours’ party. I just thought I’d make an effort, Ollie. It’s customary, you know – to try and look nice when you’re socialising.’
Will comes over and kisses me on the cheek. ‘You look lovely. That colour really suits you.’
‘Thanks, darling.’ I smile, sensing my cheeks flushing; compliments are so rare these days, I’ve almost forgotten what to do with them.
‘How long are we staying?’ Ollie wants to know.
I grin. ‘We’ll leave at precisely 12.07 a.m.’
‘What?’ he barks. ‘What are we gonna do for all that time?’
‘Bring Scrabble,’ Will