BORN: 18 September 1971, Plano, Texas, USA
CAREER HIGHLIGHTS: Doping to an extraordinarily brazen degree over many years
1) The Texan’s cycling career was split into two stages, pre- and post-testicular cancer. Before his brush with death, Armstrong forged a highly impressive reputation as a big race rider in winning the 1993 World Championship and stages at the Grand Tour events in Europe.
2) Armstrong battled to overcome cancer and won the respect of many people around the world. Unfortunately for him and them, his entrance back into the sport coincided with rampant drug use that he spent years viciously denying in winning seven Tours de France.
3) He once admitted his confession was probably ‘too late’ – yes, not least because your confession came nearly three years after you’d been caught.
4) When asked if he got what he deserved, Armstrong said: ‘I deserve to be punished. Not sure I deserve a death penalty.’ To be fair, Lance, it’d be pretty hard to give you that as your tolerance to drugs is likely to be ridiculously high.
DID YOU KNOW: Armstrong dated singer Sheryl Crow from 2003 to 2006 – during which time she only released one new album, so maybe we shouldn’t be so hard on him.
Suspicions that Lance was cheating were first aroused when he beat this guy in a race
© Getty Images/Sgranitz
Those of us unlucky enough to be around at the time of Hoddle and Waddle’s ‘Diamond Lights’ know that sports stars and music do not mix. Here’s a few other ‘notable’ efforts that have left poor fans reaching for their earplugs rather than their iTunes gift voucher.
CAROLINE WOZNIACKI
World number one tennis star Caroline Wozniacki released a heavily auto-tuned single called ‘Oxygen’ in 2012.
The stand-out moment is the lyric ‘Boy, you’re my match point’, which was presumably written by someone who’d just received one of Caroline’s 100mph serves to the head. Watching the video the song appears to be a ‘love’ story – in that zero people bought it.
We shouldn’t be too critical, though, as Caroline did do it for charity – and I’m sure they were very grateful for the 3½ euros she raised.
BUBBA WATSON
Two-time Masters winning golfer Bubba Watson has released several songs, usually alongside fellow players Rickie Fowler, Ben Crane and Hunter Mahan. However, in 2014 he released a solo Christmas single under the name ‘Bubba Claus’, imaginatively titled ‘The Single’.
The song’s not a bad effort – even if Bubba does rhyme ‘Dad’ with ‘Baghdad’ but the video does let it down somewhat. I can’t help thinking we’d all be able to guess what we were getting for Christmas if Santa’s sack had ‘PING’ written on the side and a set of woods poking out the top.
NEW ORDER AND THE 1990 ENGLAND WORLD CUP SQUAD
Often considered the best ever football song, New Order’s ‘World in Motion’ for Italia ’90 reached number one that summer.
Everybody remembers John Barnes’s rap – partly because we were shocked they didn’t choose a more obvious candidate to perform it like Peter Beardsley or Dave Beasant.
© Shutterstock.com
WWF WRESTLERS
In 1992 a group of wrestlers including ‘legends’ like ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Duggan, ‘The Undertaker’, Brett ‘Hitman’ Hart and ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage released a record entitled Wrestlemania: The Album.
With songwriting duties taken on by Pete Waterman and the executive producing credit going to Simon Cowell you won’t be surprised to hear it was a bit dross.
However, the single ‘Slam Jam’ proved a hit and stayed in the top ten for five weeks and reached number four – even if it did sound more like number two.
SNOOKER PLAYERS
Tottenham Hotspur’s regular musical collaborators Chas and Dave teamed up with a gang of snooker players under the name ‘The Matchroom Mob’ in 1986 to release ‘Snooker Loopy’.
The brilliant lyrics include ‘Now old Willy Thorne, his hair’s all gone’, which only works as a rhyme when sung in a cockney accent.
Sadly the boys haven’t returned to the studio because any follow-up would surely be more hotly anticipated than the Stone Roses with The Second Coming.
HOW TO BE A FOOTBALL SUPPORTER
Here’s a step-by-step guide to surviving the ups and downs:
Declare your undying love for a team that actually make you unhappier than your wife leaving you or your nan dying.
Slate your team constantly – until someone else does. Then fight them.
Go to an away match and ridicule the other team’s fans because it’s not a sell-out, whilst refusing to notice that they sold out easily when Arsenal played there, so it’s your team that’s considered crap.
Get upset that the players don’t interact with the fans – and send them death threats on Twitter because of it.
Hurl abuse at a player until he transfers – then complain that your team should never have sold him.
Go bare-chested in January so your fat man-breasts look like Smurfs’ noses.
State confidently what you would’ve done in the World Cup final because you once had a game of Three and In at break-time at school.
BORN: 12 August 1990, Palermo, Italy
PLAYER: Lumezzane, Inter Milan, Manchester City, AC Milan, Liverpool and Italy
1) Arguably the most enigmatic player of his generation, Balotelli made his first-team début for Lumezzane at the tender age of 15 in a Serie C1 match in 2006. Inter soon came sniffing around and he made his senior bow in December 2007, scoring two goals in his next game.
2) Balotelli scored 20 goals in 59 games ahead of his first cap for Italy in a friendly against the Ivory Coast and before his multi-million pound move to Manchester City. He helped them win the FA Cup in his first season, their first trophy in 35 years, and the Premier League title the next.
3) At Euro 2012, Balotelli said he refused to celebrate goals ‘because I’m only doing my job. When a postman delivers letters, does he celebrate?’ Given most companies say they’ll deliver between 7am and Christmas, it’s us who do somersaults if parcels arrive when we’re in.
4) Balotelli’s secret lover Chloe Evans once revealed, ‘Being with him was like being in a circus. Imagine a cross between Willy Wonka, Michael Jackson and Peter Pan – and you’ve got Mario Balotelli.’ If ever a comparison was a cue to cut short a relationship that was it.
DID YOU KNOW: Mario was asked by his mum to buy an ironing board