‘Really?’
‘Yeah, really. Alice being missing all these years has been such a big part of your life. By default, it’s been a big part of my life too.’
I consider this for a moment. I suppose it has. I’d never thought of it that way before. ‘Has it defined me?’ I ask.
Tom purses his lips before he answers. ‘I wouldn’t say defined you, but it is part of you. You can’t get away from it.’
‘Suppose I can’t.’
‘Hey, you’re over-thinking again.’ Tom gives me a playful nudge of the shoulder with his. ‘How does Luke feel about it all?’
‘He was very quiet,’ I admit, thinking back to earlier. Luke had pretty much sat in the chair observing. He had made cups of tea and given me a reassuring hug but, on the whole, he hadn’t passed comment.
‘How much does he know about what happened?’
‘Everything. As much as you know. As much as I know. Dad took Alice off for a holiday and never came back. There’s not much more to know.’ Unexpected tears rush to my eyes and I silently curse myself for not being able to keep my emotions under control. I’m not a crier, or I never used to be.
Tom studies me for a moment and I feel slightly self-conscious under his gaze. He reaches out and draws me into him. The years melt away and it’s like being back at university. It feels comfortable and familiar being held by Tom. Reassuring and safe. He drops a kiss on top of my head.
I jerk away, almost head-butting him as I do so. These are the wrong arms to be seeking comfort in. I take a step back. ‘Thanks,’ I say, not quite able to meet Tom’s eyes. I rummage in my bag and hook out my car keys. ‘I’d better get home and see what Mum’s written. I’ve been thinking about it this afternoon. I don’t want her to get too carried away and scare Alice off.’ I’m waffling. Embarrassed by the old feelings that have paid a fleeting visit.
Tom pushes his hands into his trouser pockets. He has a small smile on his face and his eyes are dancing with amusement.
‘What?’ I say.
He gives a shake of his head and bends down to pick up his briefcase. ‘Relax, Clare, it was only a friendly hug.’
‘Yeah. I know that,’ I say, feeling stupid for overreacting. ‘My emotions are a bit all over the place this afternoon.’ I give him a hug and a peck on the cheek, just like the sort we usually share. Good friends. Mates. Work colleagues. ‘And that’s to prove I know it.’
I arrive home and Luke is upstairs bathing the girls. He has a streak of yellow acrylic paint in his hair and a small smudge of blue across his cheek.
‘You found a bit of time to get some painting done, then,’ I say. ‘How’s it going?’ I kneel beside him and trickle water down Chloe’s back as she squirms and giggles in delight.
‘Not too bad,’ says Luke. ‘Couldn’t really get into it today. Might give it another go when these two terrors are in bed. Come on, Hannah, time to get out. Here’s a towel.’
‘Here, hold my hand,’ I say, helping Hannah step out of the bath and wrapping a towel around her.
‘Out. Out. Me out!’ It’s Chloe. She always wants to do what Hannah is doing. It reminds me of how Alice used to be. She would follow me around all day, asking to join in with my games or asking me to play with her. Most of the time I would, but I remember sometimes she used to annoy me. I wanted to be left alone. I would go off down to the bottom of the garden and hide from her. As usual, this thought makes me feel guilty. I’ve spent twenty years feeling remorseful, wishing I hadn’t said no to her. Wishing I could somehow make it up to her. And now I have the chance to do just that.
Between us, Luke and I get the girls ready for bed. I sit with Chloe tonight and watch her drift off to sleep as more thoughts of Alice flood my mind. It’s as if, by making contact, she has given me permission to revisit those memories.
I can see Alice in the garden. We’re having a dolly-and-teddy tea party on a pink-and-white gingham tablecloth. We have picked some blackberries and raspberries from the vegetable patch. We know it’s okay to eat those.
Then, for some reason I cannot remember, I pick a couple of mushrooms that have grown in the lawn and put them on the tea plates. When I next look up, Alice is eating one. I tell her off and think no more of it, but after we have finished playing, Alice goes indoors and is very sick.
In the end Mum calls the doctor, who can’t explain it. I’m too scared to say anything. Dad will kill me if he finds out. When Mum sees the doctor out, I make Alice promise not to tell anyone about eating the mushrooms. Fortunately, Alice is fine the next day, but I’ve still never told Mum about the incident.
The bedroom door opens and a chink of light from the landing streaks through. It’s Luke.
‘You okay, Babe?’ he whispers.
Taking one last look at Chloe sleeping peacefully, I get up and follow him through to our bedroom. ‘What’s Hannah doing?’
‘She’s downstairs with your mum, having some supper.’ He pulls me into a hug. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘I’m okay. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Alice all day.’
‘That’s hardly surprising.’
‘It’s exciting but it’s also a bit scary.’
Luke brushes a strand of hair back from my face. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but be careful. Don’t go rushing in. I don’t want you getting hurt.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, it’s been a long time. You don’t know each other as adults. Sometimes these reunions don’t always work out the way we expect.’
‘You sound very negative about her.’ I move from his embrace and begin undressing. I always look forward to getting out of the skirt and blouse of my working day and into my comfy tracky bottoms and T-shirt.
‘Not negative, just cautious.’ Luke goes to say something else but stops himself.
‘What?’ I press, pulling my T-shirt over my head. ‘What were you going to say?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Yes you were. I can tell.’
Luke gives a shrug. ‘You don’t know her agenda.’
‘Her agenda? What is that supposed to mean?’ He’s beginning to annoy me now. Why can’t he share in my excitement and be happy for me? He knows what this means to Mum and me, so why the negativity?
‘You don’t know what Alice has been told about the family breaking up. She might have a totally different take on it all.’ He lets out a sigh. ‘Look, Clare, I’m glad Alice has been in touch. It’s a part of you that has always been in pain, and if her coming back stops that pain, then I’m all for it. All I’m saying is, be careful, take your time and with any luck it will be a smooth ride.’
Luke goes downstairs, leaving me to think over what he has said. A small flicker of doubt begins to dance in my mind. What does Alice know about us? What has she been told? Does she remember anything of us? I think back to the day Alice left.
I was sitting in the living room, helping Alice colour, when I heard the beginnings of what I assumed would be a normal altercation between my parents.
As the argument rumbled on, I became aware my mother’s voice had risen, not just in volume but in pitch. I couldn’t hear her exact words, but I remember the sound as they were forcibly expelled, as if there wasn’t enough room in her throat for them all to come out freely.
My father’s voice, on the