But strangely, miraculously, Darby Li and I became friends. Darby had just broken up with her boyfriend of three years—heir to an enormous mattress fortune and possessor of a tiny prick, as Darby informed me—and she was looking to go wild. I had never done anything wild in my life, and the feverish energy in Darby’s eyes excited me. Within the first month of college, Darby had taught me about everything from handles and pregames to hookups and blackouts. Darby was the one who orchestrated my first real kiss: with a junior named Paul at a party in her brother’s apartment. Darby was the one who urged me to dance with Jonah Davis from my Communicating Nonverbal Messages lecture at the freshman Halloween bash, which later led to my first real hookup. “What would you do without me?” Darby often asked me. “I’m not sure,” I would answer quite truthfully.
I even trusted Darby enough to let her see me without my makeup, to see the naked, spotted face that I disguised everyday. “You can’t even see it,” she’d assured me as I fussed over a raised blemish on my chin or my forehead, something that left a beige-colored protuberance under my makeup that became the only thing I saw when I looked in the mirror. Assurance was the kindest thing she could have offered me.
I knew why I liked Darby—her beauty, her frantic energy, her ability to repel culpability and embarrassment and shame and all the burdens of those who did not possess her unique beauty—but I could never be sure why she liked me. Perhaps she found me funny, or loyal, or kind. Perhaps she enjoyed my company on all those nights we hiked barefoot back to campus, our heels in our hands and our heads floating somewhere up above our bodies.
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