“ As a baby, our daughter was so sensitive she couldn’t stand being held by anybody but Mommy or Daddy (and sometimes even Daddy was not on her accepted list). It was a very trying time. She may have been colicky to start with, but as she grew older this sensitivity grew into what many might call ‘shy’, characterized by avoiding people’s eyes when she first met them, not talking to them and hanging behind Mom and Dad’s legs rather than socializing with people. ”
STEVE – VANCOUVER, BC4
Four Years Later
For Zimbardo and Kagan, however, the experiment was far from over. Four years after the first observation, they brought their 400 little subjects back into the lab. Sure enough, most of the tots who had tested as highly sensitive showed incipient signs of shyness.
The relentless researchers continued tracking the tykes’ progress and determined that about half of those highly sensitive babies grew into being timid teens.
Parents, if your child seems extra-sensitive, start using SHYBUSTER 8 Don’t Baby Your Baby (see here) immediately to curtail his or her possible shyness.
If your parents are still alive, ask them about your ‘cot behaviour’. Were you timid about your new environment? Or were you one of the calmer, ‘Sure it’s stinky and disgusting, but it’s no big deal’ babies?
Having been a highly sensitive baby does NOT mean you can’t cure your shyness. But knowing what type of Shy you are helps you select a slightly different path and more realistic goal.
Today you essentially have the same nature you did when you were the little cot-crawler. Highly sensitive babies were overwhelmed by their little environment. Likewise, some highly sensitive adults are also overwhelmed by theirs – crowds, noises, bright lights.
“ My daughter is what her psychologist calls ‘slow-to-warm’. She comes off shy until she knows someone, but eventually settles in and opens up, so people think she is just shy. It actually runs much deeper. It has to do with everything in her life. If she isn’t familiar with a situation, she has a significant amount of anxiety, even over the littlest of things. For example, she’s in year 4 grade and her class was taking a trip to our state capital. She’s been in this school with these kids since she was five, and has even shown her horse in Lansing a number of times, but she had never been to the state capital and didn’t know what to expect. The night before the trip, she couldn’t sleep, was nauseous, etc.”
STEVE – VANCOUVER, BC
Many of us listen to outrageous radio and television personalities. We elect outgoing politicians, we listen to extreme rock bands, adore scantily-clad sexy show-off girls. We flock in droves to the cinema to see bigger-than-life movie stars – and then stay up half the night to see them again on the Oscars.
The highly sensitive person can feel like something’s wrong with them because they’re not a ‘look at me’ type. If you are a HSS, your brain functions differently from an extrovert’s. It takes you longer to process information. You think more deeply. You try to listen carefully and usually speak more slowly. A number of Highly Sensitive Shys prefer country living rather than a big city of racing ambulances and deafening discos.
Does Being an Introvert Mean Being Shy?
Definitely not. Unfortunately, however, our Western world does not recognize or reward introvert qualities as much it does extrovert. Because this can make introverts question themselves, there is a high crossover between introverts and Shys.
Unfortunately, Shys often think they are not as smart or talented as the Sures. Stop! Wrong way! Go back! Countless studies have blasted the myth about shyness indicating stupidity. In many cases, it’s just the opposite.
The majority of gifted children (60%) are introverts. In studies of intelligence, the higher the IQ, the higher the percentage number of introverts. A greater number of National Merit Scholars are introverted and they get higher grades in Ivy League colleges. 5
What this says to a HSS is: Value your God-given qualities and don’t let anyone make you feel inferior because you don’t like to sit around with the gang and chew the fat, or leap into conversations before you’ve thought things through. Even extremely confident highly sensitive people need a little longer to process their thoughts. So give deserved worth to your inner world, and become comfortable with your quieter qualities.
Wanted: Thinker, Artist, Philosopher – Must Be Shy
HSSs usually are people of high integrity and compassion. They are not usually conspicuous leaders of crowds, but they are leaders by example: thinkers; advisors; healers. They are very fair and have many other qualities that make a positive impact on society.6
Recently, an extremely successful yet soft spoken woman named Cheryl engaged me to do a speech in Phoenix, Arizona. While driving to the convention hall, I told her I was writing a book on shyness. A few weeks later, she sent me this e-mail:
“ Leil, our conversation struck a familiar chord with me. I have struggled with ‘shyness’ all of my life, feeling like I’m marching to a different drummer than most of the world. I couldn’t understand why many of my schoolmates and co-workers enjoyed talking with lots of people and spending large amounts of time visiting. I preferred just one or two close friends, more intimate settings, and deeper conversation. I couldn’t figure out why I would rather remain in the background and think about a topic before speaking, while others would vocalize their thoughts without restraint. I couldn’t fathom how people who became my closest and dearest friends would later tell me that they thought I was ‘cold’ or ‘aloof’ upon first impression – but realized I was ‘anything but’ after they got to know me. I was very intelligent, always an honours student, and later an excellent businessperson. I truly liked people. But I couldn’t seem to get the hang of the whole socializing bit. I wondered if something was ‘wrong’ with me.”
CHERYL – PHOENIX, ARIZONA
Cheryl’s message continues with her self-discovery, her conclusions, and how she has come to lead a successful and joyful life within the framework of her more sensitive nature. It is very poignant but, due to its length, you will find the continuation of Cheryl’s letter in the notes (see here).
did I ‘catch’ a dose of shyness?
Shake Your Family Tree for Signs of Shyness
Can you inherit shyness? Again, the reliable and revered researchers have ascertained the precise and unassailable answer to this question: ‘Some do. Some don’t.’
I don’t mean to be sarcastic. Like inheriting long legs or brown eyes, it’s a role of the dice whether you inherit shyness or not. However, a study called Childhood Shyness and Maternal Social Phobia found that children who had shy mothers are eight times more likely to be shy themselves. Twenty per cent of Shys have first-degree relatives with a phobia.1