So all right, here he is haunting our cellar in the night-time:
He only comes if he smells lovely bakebeans cooking in the pot. HMMM, YES PLEASE, SCOFF SCOFF. He says they give him loads of Spirit Force.
Mum says does he still look like Dad? Well, he looks just like before he died of the jumping beanbangs. Only now you can see through him. He has a big horrible furry face, plus big horrible red eyes, plus big horrible yellow teeth and all dribble dribbling down. Also his eyebrows meet in the middle like Dad’s, only more caterpillery. Plus he is all green, also loomy looninous he glows in the dark. He is v fearsum plus he makes your fur stand up.
He likes to come slidingly through the wall saying a terrible WOOOOO! and GGGGRRRRAAAH! Also he likes saying terrible words like this:
“I AM THE GHOST OF UNCLE BIGBAD! ME WOT DIED OF THE JUMPING BEANBANGS! I DROOL, I DROOL FOR A LUVLY GOBFUL! FETCH ME THE SHOVEL AND FEED ME SWIFTLY!”
But if you say, “Uncle would you like to be our School Spirit and teach our pupils your ghosty powers?” he says:
“NO BLINKING BLUNKING FEAR, 2 MUCH LIKE HARD WORK.”
Then he scoffs his bakebeans (canteen size) and off he vanishes.
Yours unhelpedly,
L Wolf (Head)
Dear Mum and Dad,
Today Uncle said he might help us, but only if we hoover his grave. Also change the writing on his gravestone, boo shame, because it was good rhyming and true, saying:
Now he made us do:
Yours wornoutly,
L
Dear Mum and Dad,
Posh new paper, eh?
Uncle appeared again for a scoff of bakebeans. He said, “TELL ME (SLURP) WHAT STYLE OF SCHOOL YOU WISH TO OPEN. IF I LIKE THE SOUND OF IT (GLUP) I MAY POSSIBLY APPEAR IN IT, YOU NEVER KNOW. IF I HAVE NOTHING MORE PROMISING IN MY DIARY (WOFF).”
So we said our ideas for him:
1) Me and Yeller are the Co-Heads, we can do all the Bossing About.
2) Stubbs is our teacher of how to make spooksuits, plus flying lessons. Also he is Caretaker and Fixy Boy with his clever beak. Plus he wants to be Bell Bird by flying up to the belltower and going ding on the bell (saves rope).
3) Smells is just a Small Horror (like normal, har har). Also his ted can be if he wants.
4) Our most important thing is loads of thrilly fun and laughs for all teachers and pupils.
5) Loads of midnight feasts of bakebeans (Uncle’s best snack).
Uncle said, “WOFF SCOFF, AND WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO FOR YOU?”
I said, “Uncle, Frettnin Forest is a fearsum place for small brute beasts. Thus and therefore it is v handy to learn What to Do if a Big Scary Thing Tries to Get You. Also their mums and dads want them to be Splendid Tuff Horrors. So will you be our School Spirit and maybe teach us some tricks and ghosty powers? Like Popping Up Quick and Hollow Larfing?
Uncle said, “SNIFF SNUFF SNY, WHAT DO I SPY? I SPY FLIPPING FLOPPING HARD LABOUR! YOU WISH ME TO SHARE MY SPIRIT POWERS? AND BE A TAME TERROR TO TRAIN YOUR PUPILS? GRRRR, NO FEAR! I HATE SHARING. ALSO, I AM SO MIGHTY, YOUR SISSY PUPILS WOULD NEVER STAND UP TO THE SHOCK OF ME!!”
Yeller said quick, “UNCLE, REALLY WE WANT YOU SHOWIN OFF YOUR POWERS, NOT SHARIN. ALSO, CAN’T YOU TURN YOUR TERROR DOWN A BIT?”
Uncle said, “HMMM, (GLUP) SHOWING OFF? YES, I DO LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT, I LOVE SHOWING OFF. YERSS. WELL P’RAPS AND MAYBE I WILL CONSIDER. BUT YOU MUST DOUBLE MY RATION OF (BURP) LOVELY BAKEBEANS, SO GOOD FOR MY SPIRIT FORCE. AND YOU CAN TIDY THIS BLINKING BLUNKING PLACE UP, IT’S A DISGRRRRRACE!”
Not fair,
Yours discustardly,
Little
PS You say what is M.I.P. on Uncle’s new gravestone?
Answer, Moan in Peace.
Dear Mum and Dad,
Phew, work work work! Clean the blackboard, flit the flies, polish the desks, shoo the spiders, scrub the floors, windows and lavs. Also sweep out the cellar so it is posh enuf for Uncle’s grate self to appear in. He is a big lazy ghost, also a greedyguts 2. He only does lying in his grave and scoffing.
Us worky boys are hungry and starving. We’re not even allowed to eat the lovely bakebeans because they are only for Uncle’s Spirit Force. We were saving them for rainy days and for being poor, like now, with no money from pupils, boo shame.
So please send rabbit rolls and mice pies.
Yours rumbletumly,
Littly
Dear Mum and Dad,
The rabbit rolls and mice pies were hmmmshus and yumshus. Yeller and me love them, kiss kiss. Smells saves all the tails and whiskers till last, then he eats them 2 quick and gets a coff – so cubbish! Also Stubbs says, “Ark,” meaning thanks for the cheese, it was ark-stra spesh.