Karl: You’ve never been in a situation where you’ve gone, ‘This room feels a bit weird?’ I mean like if you’ve been to Cornwall on holiday, and stayed somewhere and you’ve gone, ‘D’you know what, I’m sure summit’s died in here.’
Ricky: I’m sure something has died everywhere.
Karl: I’ve got a mate, right, who is staying in this big stately home, right, and I mean it’s bigger than Buckingham Palace this place, right. I went down there and from outside you go ‘Oh this is brilliant’. It’s like summit out of To the Manor Born. But then when you get in, it’s a wreck. No one’s doing any vaccing-up or anything, and there’s like rat poison everywhere, windows are smashed. Doors kicked in. I think they’re going to have it done up, but it’s going to cost like £80 million. I have got a little torch and we’re wandering around looking in all these different rooms, right, and I’m asking him ‘How’s it got in this state?’ And he was saying how it was a mental home at one point. And a place for drug addicts. Have you ever been in a hospital when it’s been shut down or a school when there’s no kids in it and it’s got that sort of bad atmosphere of weirdness?
Steve: Yes, for the sake of argument.
Karl: So we’re wandering about and I say, ‘What’s in this room?’ And we go in and all the floors are a wreck and rotten and stuff. And I looked at the wall and there was a little piece of paper stuck on the wall right, and I said, ‘What’s this here?’ And so I wandered over, right, got right up close to it and someone had wroted …
Steve: Somebody had ‘wroted’?
Karl: So there is a little sign there and it says ‘Flies’, with an arrow. I thought, ‘That’s a bit weird.’ So I follow the arrow, which goes to this corner, where there’s a shelf with about three thousand dead flies on it. And a condom stuck on the top! That’s weird innit?
Ricky: That is weird.
Karl: Then I see there’s loads of bits of paper on the floor. I picked up this bit of paper right, and it had written on it, ‘Need nappies, dummy, blankets’ – and I turned it over, right, and it said, ‘None of this now needed – baby dead’. Now that’s weird innit? That’s what I’m talking about when you get a bad vibe.
Steve: I don’t actually understand what point you’re trying to make, Karl. Didn’t you just tell us that it was once occupied by ‘drug addicts and mentals’, so haven’t you put two and two together and thought that was probably who wrote it? That doesn’t mean it’s paranormal. You walk into a building, it’s a big, terrifying empty house. It’s terrifying in as much as it’s cold, and dark and draughty. It doesn’t mean that you’ve got some paranormal sense. ‘I’m Karl Pilkington and just like Derek Acorah, I have sensed something strange and evil in this room. Wait a minute, there’s some flies and a condom. I was right all along.’
Ricky: Flies and a condom was weird, but the note … I just think of his face when he saw that. By torchlight … You must have been terrified.
Karl: It’s a bit odd, innit?
‘I don’t know the detail on that bit but ...’
Karl: This is one of the first Monkey News that I did and I think it’s worth hearing again, just in case you forgot about it, ’cos it’s sort of classic Monkey News. It’s about this monkey that was knocking about called Ollie. It was called Oliver, and it was in this zoo, and it was the only monkey in there, right.
Ricky: Oh, this is the one they think was the missing link. They thought it was half human, half ape because it had a bald head and looked like you, which doesn’t mean it’s half anything.
Karl: What happened is, it was in the zoo and stuff and it was getting a bit lonely ’cos it was sharing its time with an elephant and a giraffe and they didn’t really get on that well.
Ricky: No, no, no, no, no. Wait. They do not put chimpanzees in with the other animals.
Karl: But let me tell you …
Ricky: Well it’s not true.
Steve: Gervais, it was obviously some kind of flat share. They put an advert in the Students’ Union. ‘We’ve got two rooms to let …’
Ricky: ‘African mammal wanted.’
Karl: What I’m saying is, there was other elephants for elephants to knock about with and that. The monkey, it was the only one there. So what happened is, the zookeeper felt a bit sorry for him. He was like, ‘Oh look, he’s looking all fed up and that.’ And like you say, I think he went a bit bald because he was bored and all that. So the zookeeper started to get pally with him and so at lunch time, when the zookeeper was sat on the wall having his ham butties or whatever, he would sort of go, ‘You alright, yeah?’ And Ollie used to come over, closer and closer, right. Anyway, within a month, he was sat on the wall having his lunch with him, right.
Ricky: What wall?
Karl: Just a little wall in the zoo.
Ricky: So he let the monkey out? The monkey could just wander about? He had his own door key?
Steve: These blinking latch-key monkeys.
Karl: You’re picking up on little things that aren’t important. It doesn’t matter. So anyway, zookeeper’s sat there, and as time goes on he’s sort of sat with him most of the day. Monkey’s walking round with him, helping him feed the other animals and that.
Ricky: This is rubbish.
Karl: But then what happened is the zookeeper, at the end of the night when he’s locking up and stuff, he’d feel bad because he’d be leaving the zoo and Ollie’s sat there and he’s like, ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’ and the monkey’s like, ‘Yeah, alright, see you later.’ Ollie is looking all fed up because the zoo keeper has got a home to go to and Ollie’s still stuck in his – well, where he is basically working every day. He’s never going home, right. So anyway the zookeeper goes home, says to his wife, ‘Look Ollie’s having a bit of a time at the moment.’ She says, ‘Oh yeah, what’s going on?’ He said, ‘Well he’s looking a bit fed up. You know, he’s sick of it.’ She said, ‘Bring him home.’ He said, ‘Well I did want to ask, but I didn’t want to force it …’
Ricky: This conversation didn’t happen.
Karl: So anyway …
Steve: Such detail!
Ricky: No it didn’t happen. This is in your head.
Karl: So anyway, she said, ‘Yeah, bring it home tonight.’ So anyway, the zookeeper is looking forward to going into work and that. He sees Ollie. He doesn’t tell him straightaway.
Ricky: Like it’s a surprise. Oh God!
Karl: So they go through the day, you know usual stuff, feeding the elephants and all that. It gets to the end of the day and Ollie’s there. He’s looking at the zookeeper as if to say, ‘Well there you go, another busy day over, see you tomorrow and stuff …’
Steve: Sure. Little does he know …
Karl: Anyway the zookeeper is like, ‘Get your coat …’