True Blue: Strange Tales from a Tory Nation. David Matthews

traditionalist family values – the examples include former MP Neil Hamilton and his wife Christine, and the current MPs Nicholas and Ann Winterton. Alison had shoulder-length black hair, cut severely, and wore a lilac skirt suit and high heels. She had a Lancashire accent which was as strong and irritating on the ear as her husband’s cockney.

      Alison based her speech largely on crime stories she had read in the Daily Telegraph and on the internet. The UKIP speakers seemed to like the information superhighway a great deal – it provided them with endless new snippets about crime – and they were evidently a lot more familiar with the new age of email and online politics than most of the Richmond Tories I had met. Criminals, thought Alison, were simply refusing to take personal responsibility for themselves – ‘criminals don’t have to choose to re-offend,’ she told the audience.

      But Alison’s main beef was with ‘sur-called experts’ who lacked common sense and didn’t seem to have ‘a grip on reality’. These so-called experts, said Alison, came up with trendy ideas like ASBOs. These initiatives were meant to deter crime but then, she said, ASBOs had come to be worn as badges of pride by ‘gangs who wander the streets’. So-called experts sent offenders on luxury adventure holidays, which were just a ‘slap on the wrist’. Under a UKIP government, she said, schools would have the freedom to use corporal punishment if they wanted to: ‘Kids are out of control and we need to take back control of our streets.’ It struck us that everyone in the room looked as if they had heard this speech or some version of it many, many times before.

      Later a younger man called Rob Burberry was called to speak. He was introduced as a former special constable and an ex-policeman, and a member of UKIP’s youth wing. Rob told a favourite tabloid news story about an alleged criminal who was chased onto a roof by policemen in the Midlands. The police could not follow the man onto the roof because of health and safety considerations. There was a bit of guffawing and jeering at the mention of the much-derided politically correct concept of ‘health and safety’.

      Rob laboured through the story, which everyone already seemed to know, to the extent that some were actually mutely mouthing the words. But the audience seemed to be enjoying it, as if a much-loved song were being sung by an interesting young performer. Rob reached the climax of his account by saying that the police had supplied the suspected criminal with a bucket of KFC. To illustrate the point, Rob had brought an empty red and white striped KFC ‘bargain bucket’ with him. He waved it in the air and said, ‘We need less of these …’ – he picked up a policeman’s helmet which he had brought with him and said – ‘… and we need more of these.’

      After the speeches there were questions from the floor. ‘Should we bring back borstal?’ asked a member of the audience. ‘Yes – very much so,’ Alison responded. An elderly guy in a blazer and slicked-back hair didn’t ask a question, but instead made a speech of his own. He wanted to abolish the Race Relations Act; abolish the Howard League for Penal Reform and abolish the Commission for Racial Equality. ‘And while we are at it,’ he continued, in the midst of an apparent brainstorm, ‘we should abolish those foreigners who are always interfering and always sticking up for prisoners, erm, what are they called now? They begin with an “A”. Erm …’ Someone shouted out, ‘Do you mean Amnesty International?’ The old guy’s face lit up with recognition. ‘Yes! That’s them! Amnesty International – they are a bloody nuisance, too.’

      Another interjection from the floor put the focus back onto the borstal question: ‘Y’know, I think the Americans have got the right idea; they have places called boot camps, and they work,’ said a voice from the audience. Alison replied, ‘I totally agree wi’ that.’

      Another question came from an elderly Mary Whitehouse lookalike. What about the ‘scourge of sex and violence on television’, she wanted to know. Rob, the ex-police officer and Kentucky Fried Chicken expert, spoke up: ‘I would like to say something about that as a qualified journalist. I am not for state regulation of the media. It sounds communist to me.’ An old woman in the audience shouted out: ‘They can download it anytime on the internet anyway.’