As the first anniversary of the deaths and funeral of Nuala and Ted approached, Molly felt her spirits plummet. She remembered each minute of the terrible day they both died, as sharply as if it was engraved on her heart, or at least she remembered it until the doctor’s tablets had done their job.
But because she hadn’t actually seen her parents’ bodies after their death, their funeral had affected her just as much. It was then she felt she had said goodbye to them properly and she had hardly been able to bear the sight of their coffins being lowered into the earth. She couldn’t seem to prevent the memories seeping into her consciousness, so vividly at times that she would gasp with the pain of it.
She knew her grandmother, watched her with a measure of satisfaction and she wondered anew about the woman’s mental state. Surely it wasn’t normal to take such pleasure in another’s misery?
Tom couldn’t seem to help her and as the day Nuala and Ted had both died drew near, he did ask Molly if she didn’t want to talk about it. But, she said talking would not help, it was just one more thing she had to live through. She got through it too, though she worked like an automaton, spoke only in answer to something someone asked her and that night Tom heard her crying for hours.
In fact, she was finding she was unable to sleep properly and if she did drop off, the lurid and upsetting dreams would soon wake her. Each day she felt worse and totally alone to deal with the dreadful memory of it all.
Tom was glad that that year the 26 April, which was the anniversary of the funeral, fell on a Sunday, knowing that Molly would at least have the love and support of the McEvoys for part of that day. He made it his business to make Nellie aware of the significance of the date.
That Sunday morning, everyone who saw Molly knew there was something grievously wrong with her. Not indeed that many did see her, because she entered the church with Biddy just as the Mass had begun and left before the last response. Nellie, who had hoped to have a quiet word with the girl, was prevented from doing this and was heartily glad she would see the child later that day.
Molly hadn’t really cared. By Sunday morning she had had no sleep for days and was too tired and downhearted to function properly. The pain in her head was so bad and she had the desire to curl up in a ball, her arms wrapped around her aching body, and howl like a wounded animal might.
Nothing touched her, not even Biddy’s ill humour, worse that day than ever, but she set off with her uncle as usual in the afternoon. Once they were away from the house, though, she said, ‘I don’t think I will go to Cathy’s today.’
‘Why not?’ Tom said. ‘They will be expecting you.’
‘I am too tired to make the journey,’ Molly said. ‘And I will be no fit company for anyone today.’
‘Listen to me, Molly,’ Tom said. ‘I could go up and explain to the McEvoys and yes, they would fully understand, for they know what day this is. True friends are there for you through the dark times too, and I think you need Nellie, Cathy and even Jack more than ever today. Their true and sincere sympathy might soothe you.’
‘I don’t think anyone can do anything to help me today,’ Molly said. ‘I just want to sink down into the grass here and let the world go on without me.’
Tom shook his head sadly. ‘Molly, if I could share any of this burden for you, I would gladly do so, for I see plainly how you are suffering at the moment, but I am certain that trying to hide away from this is not the way to deal with it.’
‘How d’you know that?’ Molly cried.
‘Molly, Nuala was my wee sister.’
‘Oh, yes,’ Molly said sarcastically. ‘Of course she was. I forgot, like you conveniently forgot about her. Some big brother you turned out to be. You didn’t even know my mother.’
‘D’you think that makes me feel any better?’ Tom demanded. ‘Do you not think that I am heartsore about the past years that now I can do nothing about? I can’t roll back time and have another go at it, though I wish with all my soul that I could, for in abandoning Nuala, I abandoned all of you. Whatever I do now, I could never make it up to you for that. How do you think that makes me feel?’
Molly looked at her uncle and saw, as well as sadness, there was guilt lodged in his eyes and even in the very set of his shoulders. ‘You must feel awful,’ she conceded, sorry for her outburst.
‘Sometimes,’ Tom admitted, ‘I almost despise myself for my weakness.’
‘You can’t expect to overcome years of dominance in five minutes,’ Molly pointed out.
‘No,’ Tom said, ‘I suppose not. But you know it is hard to look back on your life as a grown man and see what a fool you have been throughout most of it. And now,’ he said, ‘we are nearing Buncrana. Do I go on alone and make your excuses to the McEvoys or are you going along to tea, as they will expect?’
Molly knew she had to go. She couldn’t let her good kind friends down and knew uncle was right, they wouldn’t expect her to be sparkling company. And so she nodded her head, ‘All right then, I will go on to the McEvoys’.’
Nellie told Cathy to say nothing to upset Molly that day as they washed up after dinner, and Cathy was incensed that her mother thought she even had to mention it to her.
‘D’you think I would?’ she retorted. ‘What sort of friend do you think I am? If I was Molly I wouldn’t want the 23 or 26 April to exist on the calendar at all, but she is one of the bravest people I know, and she just might want to talk about it.’
‘Well, that is all right if she leads the conversation,’ Nellie said. ‘God knows, the child has plenty to put up with anyway.’
Cathy, looking at Molly a little later, thought there had been no need for her mother’s warning at all, for she could see clearly how sorrow-laden she was.
Nellie saw it too and she was also aware that she almost shrank from her embrace and Cathy’s and guessed that the only ones Molly needed that day were those of the people who had gone through it with her. Nellie couldn’t bring those people together, but she had the next best thing and she said, ‘I have letters for you, my dear, as you weren’t in Buncrana yesterday. Would you like to go up to Cathy’s room now and read them in peace?’
Nellie couldn’t have said anything better. Normally, Molly left the letters until she was alone at home, but that day she didn’t want to leave them to read, and she didn’t want anyone with her when she read them either. However, she knew that that was a rude thing to do in someone else’s house and she could hardly ban Cathy from her own bedroom, so she heard herself saying, ‘No, it’s all right.’
‘No it isn’t,’ Cathy retorted. ‘And we can’t make it all right. I think that you need to read those letters now. Don’t worry, I shan’t mind a bit.’
And so Molly read the words from those she had left behind, and tears dribbled down her cheeks. She knew it was right to cry and she felt their love and compassion for her, and she knew, though the letters had been written a few days before, Granddad, Kevin and Hilda would all be going through it the same as she that day and she was suddenly overcome with sadness.
When Cathy heard the anguished sobbing coming from her bedroom, she got to her feet to comfort her friend.
‘No,’ Nellie said. ‘It is neither of us Molly wants right now and she badly needs to shed those tears.’
Nellie was right. Molly needed no one. She keened aloud with her arms wrapped around her body, racked with sobs and she rocked backwards and forwards in her distress. Memories of her parents flitted across her mind and tears streamed from her eyes like a torrent, as she felt the aching loss of them anew.
Later, when all had been quiet for some time, Nellie crept upstairs to see Molly spreadeagled and fast asleep on Cathy’s bed. She had tear trails still on her cheeks and