Jokes For All Occasions. Unknown

cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"

      "I milk reindeer."

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      The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severe disapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing a perfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfully melancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during their professional public performance.

      "Have you any glue?"

      The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had.

      "Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and the relic departed on her errand. Presently, she returned with the glue-pot.

      But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sad smile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:

      "I found a tack."

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      An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in Central America, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right of way the advantages that would come from realization of the projected line. To illustrate his point, he put the question:

      "How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"

      "Three days, señor," was the answer.

      "Then," said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road will be to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and to return home on the same day."

      "Very good, señor," the native agreed courteously.

      "But, señor, what shall we do with the other two days?"

      EGGS

      The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned.

      "I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why you should want to leave."

      "I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an' never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o' hens."

      EGOTISM

      The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:

      "It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."

      "What's the matter now?"

      The pessimist answered dolefully:

      "Don't you see that it is raining?"

      ELEPHANT

      A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange animal thereabouts.

      "Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."

      ELOPEMENT

      Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and asked eagerly for details.

      "What about her father? Did he catch you?"

      "Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that the old boy is living with us still."

      ENOUGH

      The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:

      "Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter."

      The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head.

      "No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss—I done got a quarter."

      EPITAPH

      In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription which runs thus:

      "This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection."

      EVIDENCE

      The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been arrested for chicken-stealing:

      "I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women folks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Dey had to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantial evidence."

*         *         *

      The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on the road.

      "Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"

      "I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an' when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"

*         *         *

      "Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.

      "No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty dollars for a new hat."

      EXCLUSIVENESS

      One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the darky encountered the minister.

      "Ah done prayed, sah," he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sent me an answer las' night."

      "And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did the Lord say?"

      "Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah tole Him it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can't git in dere. Ah know you can't—'cause Ah been tryin' to git in dat chu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"