The Wit and Humor of America, Volume VII. Marshall Pinckney Wilder

I am only his wife!

      AN EDUCATIONAL PROJECT

BY ROY FARRELL GREENE

      Since schools to teach one this or that

              Are being started every day,

      I have the plan, a notion pat,

              Of one which I am sure would pay.

      'Twould be a venture strictly new,

              No shaking up of dusty bones;

      How does the scheme appeal to you?

              A regular school for chaperones!

      One course would be to dull the ear,

              And one would be to dim the eye,

      So whispered love they'd never hear,

              And glance coquettish never spy;

      They'd be taught somnolence, and how

              Ofttimes closed eye for sleep atones;

      Had I a million, I'd endow

              A regular school for chaperones!

      There's crying need in West and East

              For graduates, and not a source

      Supplying it. Some one at least

              Should start a correspondence course;

      But joy will scarce o'errun the cup

              Of maidenhood, my candor owns,

      Till some skilled Mentor opens up

              A regular school for chaperones!

      THE CAMP-MEETING

BY BAYNARD RUST HALL

      The camp was furnished with several stands for preaching, exhorting, jumping and jerking; but still one place was the pulpit, above all others. This was a large scaffold, secured between two noble sugar trees, and railed in to prevent from falling over in a swoon, or springing over in an ecstasy; its cover the dense foliage of the trees, whose trunks formed the graceful and massive columns. Here was said to be also the altar, but I could not see its horns or any sacrifice; and the pen, which I did see—a place full of clean straw, where were put into fold stray sheep willing to return. It was at this pulpit, with its altar and pen, the regular preaching was done; around here the congregation assembled; hence orders were issued; here, happened the hardest fights, and were gained the greatest victories, being the spot where it was understood Satan fought in person; and here could be seen gestures the most frantic, and heard noises the most unimaginable, and often the most appalling. It was the place, in short, where most crowded either with praiseworthy intentions of getting some religion, or with unholy purposes of being amused; we, of course, designing neither one nor the other, but only to see philosophically and make up an opinion. At every grand outcry a simultaneous rush would, however, take place from all parts of the camp, proper and improper, towards the pulpit, altar, and pen; till the crowding, by increasing the suffocation and the fainting, would increase the tumult and the uproar; but this, in the estimation of many devotees, only rendered the meeting more lively and interesting.