The words were on the tip of his tongue. You leave. But he couldn’t bring himself to say them. And it drove him crazy. It should be easy. She deserved it. So why couldn’t he say it?
He turned his back and sat back down. He had to get away from her smell, her stance, the look in her eyes. He could do without all these memories.
‘I can’t leave. I’m working with Lewis. Believe it or not, I’m doing this as a favour to him. Cara’s near the end of her pregnancy and he needs to be there. When I go back he’ll give me another six-month contract at the hospital.’
She frowned, wrinkling her nose. Rachel had always looked cute when she was frowning. ‘He’s blackmailing you into being here?’ It sounded worse when she said it out loud.
He couldn’t help the rueful smile on his face. ‘Not really. He gave me “the look”. You know—the one he always gives you when he needs his own way? Anyway, he really didn’t want to be away from Cara and apparently I needed a holiday. A break. Some time off.’
Now she looked worried. ‘He thought you needed some time off? Is something wrong? Did something happen?’
You. But he’d never say that word out loud. He hadn’t realised how big an effect all this was having on him. And he didn’t even want to acknowledge it. He’d spent the last eight years blanking Rachel out of his life. Forgetting about her. Locking her away in a box, along with all the unresolved feelings he had about her. It wasn’t quite so easy to do that when she was standing in front of him.
He took the easy route. ‘I spent five years working for Doctors Without Borders. I’ve been halfway around the world. I didn’t really have a holiday when I finished my last tour. Just came to Australia, looked up Lewis and started working for him on a temporary contract.’
She hesitated, something flitting across her eyes. ‘You never talked about going to Doctors Without Borders. What made you go?’
He couldn’t bite back his natural response. ‘We didn’t talk about lots of things.’
She flinched, almost as if she’d been stung.
He took a deep breath. ‘An old friend came back after working for them. When he told me about the work he’d been doing—the epidemics, the natural disasters and in areas of armed conflict—I was interested. Who wouldn’t be? Lots of these people have absolutely no access to healthcare. Doctors Without Borders is their only hope. I felt as if I had to go. Charlie had finished university and got a job. The timing worked out. I was only going to do one mission in Africa for nine months. But one year turned into two, then three and eventually five.’
He paused. She was watching him carefully, almost holding her breath. ‘It was good experience.’ It seemed the best way to sum things up. Rachel didn’t need to know what he’d seen or what he’d dealt with. She had a good enough imagination. He’d already told her more than he’d intended to.
But curiosity about her was getting the better of him. ‘What’s your speciality?’
For a second she seemed thrown. She bit her lip and fixed her eyes on a spot on the wall, her hand tugging nervously at her ear.
With Rach, it had always been a telltale sign. And his instant recognition came like a thunderbolt. He’d thought he’d known this woman so well. But he hadn’t really known her at all. That was probably what stung the most.
‘I took a little time off when I came to Australia.’ Her eyes looked up to the left. ‘Then I worked as a general medical physician for a while, dealing with a mix of diabetic, cardiac, respiratory and oncology patients.’ Her feet shifted on the floor.
Her gaze meshed with his and something shot through him. A wave of recognition. She tugged at her ear. She’s going to change the subject.
After all these years he still knew her little nuances. ‘I thought you might have gone into surgery. That’s what you were always interested in.’
She was right. He had talked about going into surgery. And he’d certainly had his fair share of surgical experience around the world. But even though he’d just acknowledged that he still knew her little nuances, he was annoyed that she thought she still knew things about him.
She’d walked away. She’d lost the right to know anything about him. She’d lost the right to have any insight into his life.
His voice was blunt. ‘A surgical internship would have taken up too many hours. At least with A & E I had regular shifts without also being on call.’
The implication was clear. Looking after his brother had changed his career pathway. He didn’t like to think about it. He didn’t like to acknowledge it—especially not to someone who had turned and walked away. Maybe if Rachel had stayed he could still have chosen surgery as his path? It would have been easier to share the load between two people.
But Rachel didn’t seem to be picking up his annoyance. ‘You must have got a wide range of experience with Doctors Without Borders. Did you do some surgery?’
‘Of course I did. It’s all hands on deck out there, even though you’re in the middle of the desert.’ His eyes drifted off to the grey wall. If he closed his eyes right now he could almost hear the whump-whump of the incoming medevac helicopters. He could feel the sensation of the tiny hairs on his arms and at the back of his neck standing on end in nervous anticipation of the unknown.
Sometimes civilians—men, women and children—sometimes army, navy or air force personnel. You never knew what you were going to see when you pulled back the door on the medevac.
The medical services were some of the best in the world, but at times Nathan’s surgical skills had been challenged.
The tick-tick of the clock on the wall brought him back into focus. A little shiver ran down his spine.
A warm hand touched his arm and he jolted. ‘Nathan? Are you okay?’
A frown creased her brow. The concerned expression on her face made him angry. How dare she feel sorry for him?
He snatched his arm away. ‘Of course I’m fine.’ He crossed his arms over his chest and walked around to the files again. ‘I’m going to write up some notes. Make a few recommendations to the director. Why don’t you go over to the beach or something?’
It was dismissive. Maybe even a little derogatory. But he just wanted her out of here. Away from him.
For a second Rachel looked hurt, then her jaw tightened and the indignant look came back in her eyes. The Rachel he’d known would have stood her ground and torn him down a few pegs.
But this Rachel was different. This Rachel had changed. She nodded, almost sarcastically. ‘Sure. That’s exactly what I’ll do.’ She picked up one of the pagers from the desk, clipping it to her waist without even acknowledging the act. She walked away without a glance. ‘They better make cocktails at that bar …’
The door closed behind her with a thud and he waited a few seconds before he collapsed back into the seat. One minute he was mad with her, the next he was being swamped with a whole host of memories.
One thing was for sure. This island wasn’t big enough for the both of them.
RACHEL WAS FURIOUS. She couldn’t wait to put some distance between her and Nathan.
She rubbed the palm of her hand against her shorts. It was almost burning. The contact with his skin, the gentle feel of the hairs on his arms underneath her hand was something she hadn’t been ready for.
It was hard enough being around him again. She felt catapulted into a situation she was unprepared for. In her distant daydreams, she’d been sure that if she’d