Sure, nurses came in and out with regularity, but she didn’t want to let Susan down. Or, Kate realized, Jared.
All she needed was a second wind. Stretching her arms over her head, she wiggled her fingers. Caffeine would help, but she didn’t want to leave Cassidy alone in case she woke up.
The minutes ticked by. Kate felt her head fall forward. Dazed and disoriented, she straightened. The smell screamed hospital and Kate knew where she was, but she still took in the cream-colored walls, the overhead lighting, a bed couch and a crib surrounded by noisy machines.
Cassidy.
The baby lay sound asleep. So small. So fragile.
And Kate’s responsibility.
She sat with her back straight and the balls of her feet pressed against the wall. Comfortable, no. But napping while on duty wasn’t allowed.
Despite her brave words and determination, she was terrified of doing something wrong, of being unable to care for the baby the correct way. And the last thing Kate wanted was for Jared to find her asleep on the job. He held all the cards, or in this case, the baby. She wouldn’t give him any reason to doubt her childrearing abilities.
From across the room, Kate stared at the crib. The machines lit and beeped, but the baby hadn’t moved from her earlier position. Not since the nurse had been in here before. Cassidy hadn’t made a sound, either. Unease prickled the hair at the back of Kate’s neck.
Check her.
She imagined Susan’s voice saying the words, and a heaviness weighed down on Kate. She’d lived with fear and uncertainty her entire childhood, and she’d moved beyond the two since becoming an adult. She’d put the past behind her, set goals and achieved them. But now Kate felt as if she’d been tossed into a whirlpool of doubt and confusion. She hated feeling that way again, and the million what-ifs running through her mind paralyzed her.
Kate remembered Susan telling her about checking the baby during the middle of the night to make sure Cassidy was breathing. Kate knew Susan’s fears were irrational and told her to take advantage of the free time and sleep herself. Susan had smiled, but said nothing. Now Kate understood the new mother’s anxiety. And she didn’t like it one bit.
She shifted in her chair, uncomfortable with her new needy, uncertain self.
Where was Jared? Shouldn’t he be back by now?
Kate glanced at the clock.
Darn. He’d only been gone an hour and with the paperwork that needed to be submitted to the court he wouldn’t return anytime soon. She blew out a puff of air.
Jared.
Even if they disagreed most of the time, his presence here would comfort her, distract her. Especially if he gave her one of his dimpled smiles, the kind that spread all the way to his eyes. She hadn’t seen one of those…in months. Not that she’d seen him, either.
A light blinked. Kate scanned the bank of machines. Surely if something was wrong, a monitor would sound an alarm and alert the nurse who would come running. She took a slow, deep breath.
Was this how her life would be from now on? Worried something bad would happen? Worried she would somehow fail Cassidy? Worried she would let Susan down in the worst possible way? If only Jared…
Kate shuddered. She had to stop. Now.
She didn’t need Jared. She’d survived all but five years of her life without him. He’d proven he wouldn’t stick around forever, that if she didn’t do what he wanted he would leave. The realization provided resolve and courage, both of which she needed.
She could handle this. On her own. The way she’d always done.
All Kate needed to do was check the baby. She slipped off her shoes, walked softly to the crib and peered down. The rise and fall of Cassidy’s chest brought a rush of relief. The sight of the slumbering child with a peaceful expression on her face blanketed Kate with warmth. How could something so small make her feel so good? She fought the urge to caress the baby’s smooth cheek. The last thing she wanted to do was wake the sleeping infant.
Kate stood by the crib. Watching the machines, with all those blinks and blips, would keep her busy until Jared returned. And then it would be his turn.
But she realized with unexpected clarity, her turn wouldn’t be over. Not ever again. Her life would never be the same. Cassidy would always be a part of her life and link Kate to Jared. Even after the divorce…
The implications, both past and future, swirled through her mind. There would be no tidy goodbye. No tucking the memories away and forgetting about him. No moving on without Jared a part of her life. They would spend the next eighteen years making decisions about Cassidy, a child who would rely upon them for everything—nourishment, shelter, nurturing, advice and love.
The reality of what their new responsibility entailed hit Kate full force. She stood frozen, assailed by a multitude of doubt. She and Jared couldn’t agree on what television show to watch or what they wanted for dinner on the weekends they were home together, how could they agree on what to do with Cassidy? Until she became an adult?
Kate staggered back.
What on earth had Susan been thinking?
Raising a child was nothing like baby-sitting Jared’s nieces and nephews. Kate had no idea how to be a…mom. Motherhood had been this ideal, never anything real or attainable, just something she’d tucked away in the back of her mind when she realized her days as a wife were numbered. She didn’t have a clue about being a parent. The only thing she knew was what kind of mother she didn’t want to be.
And what about Jared? He had no experience being a dad. Sure, he liked kids, but that was different from having one of your own. With his travel schedule and once they were divorced…
Staring at the baby, Kate leaned against a wall. She didn’t want to let her best friend down, but…
How in the world were she and Jared going to do this?
“How are you going to do this?” Not even a bad phone connection could mask the concern in Margery Reed’s voice.
Jared wanted to reassure his mother, but no words would come. Not when he was as unsure about this situation as the rest of his family—two of whom he could hear voicing their opinions in the background.
“Raising a child isn’t easy under the best of circumstances,” Margery continued.
She meant his marriage. Or rather, his soon-to-be lack of one. The divorce had not only caught Jared off guard, but the entire Reed clan who had encouraged him to accept the promotion and move to Seattle with the belief Kate would follow him. Jared had assumed the same, that he was more important than her career. He’d assumed wrong.
“Being a single parent is going to be hard on Kate.”
“Don’t worry, Mom.” Especially since he was the one who would end up with Cassidy, but he wasn’t about to drop that bombshell on them yet. “We’ll figure something out. Reeds always come out on top.”
“You sound like your father.”
“And Grandpa.” A flashing sign caught Jared’s attention. The Burger Barn. It was dinnertime. He doubted Kate had eaten. She needed to put some weight back on. He pulled into the parking lot and lined up behind a red pickup truck in the drive-thru line. “You remember what Grandpa said. Second place is for everyone else.”
Margery laughed. “You’ll be saying the same thing to Cassidy before you know it.”
An invisible weight pressed down on Jared. He had a good job and made recommendations to clients who would invest millions of dollars in companies based on his word, but that kind of responsibility was different than the parental kind. “Yeah. I guess