Nikolai had barked that question at Ellie outside the court on the day of the inquest, and her father had put his arm round her and sworn at him in his daughter’s defence.
‘Leave her alone!’ he had cried. ‘Don’t you think she’s been through enough?’
Again Ellie longed for a drink to help lubricate her painfully dry throat.
‘I still can’t tell you the reason. You surely can’t have forgotten that I hurt my head in the accident and lost all memory of what happened that day? In all this time I’m sorry to say it’s never returned. It’s like a lost piece of a jigsaw that I just can’t find…no matter how hard I try. The doctors told me at the hospital that it could return all of a sudden or maybe not at all. I’m sorry if you find that hard to accept, but it’s the truth!’
‘How very convenient for you!’
Experiencing genuine heartfelt anguish at Nikolai’s caustic response, Ellie linked her hands tightly together in front of her. Did he think it was easy for her, losing the memory of a whole day? No matter how terrible it had been? Some might say it was a blessing, but all she knew was that doubt, fear and guilt had lain heavy on her heart ever since—because she couldn’t even remember why she would have got into a car with Sasha and driven when she had barely passed her test.
Although charming, Sasha had been reckless and unpredictable, and losing Jackie had seemed to unbalance him even more. He had made no attempt to bond with his baby daughter at all and, if Nikolai hadn’t stepped in and given her a home the child would have been starved of all the love and affection that was her birthright, Ellie was sure. But it was Sasha’s seriously addictive behaviour that had disturbed Ellie the most, she remembered.
‘It’s not convenient for me in any way! How could you say such a thing? Don’t you think what happened left its scars on me? And I’m not just talking about physical ones!’
‘Yes. You would know all about the psychological scars of such a trauma, would you not, Dr Lyons? Especially the ones associated with extreme guilt!’
Ellie actually stepped away from the man confronting her, because his barely contained fury seriously disturbed her. The smartly furnished conference room suddenly felt like a tomb to her, and she grasped at her rapidly melting composure. But the seams holding back strong emotions from the aftermath of that distressing time were slowly bursting apart.
‘I don’t deny that I have guilt—but that’s because I left Arina, not because I know I caused the accident! How can I admit to such a dreadful thing when I don’t even remember what happened?’ she cried.
‘My brother was only twenty-eight years old, Elizabeth… Too young to die so senselessly. Not to know why he died in such a way means that I cannot simply lay his spirit to rest and forget! What do I tell his daughter when she is grown? Have you ever thought about that?’
Feeling numb, Ellie couldn’t find the words to answer him.
‘The fact that he died is not the worst of it! What I cannot forgive is that when you decided to get into the car with him and take the wheel you also took Arina along for the ride! She was just a baby! What could you have been thinking?’
Ellie knew that Arina had survived the terrible accident that had killed her father and maimed her nanny and aunt without a scratch on her, strapped securely into her baby seat. The collision they’d had mercifully only crushed the front of the car, leaving the back miraculously intact. The Divine had definitely been looking out for the infant that dreadful day, and Ellie had often wept with gratitude. She could never have left if she had known the child was hurt. If she had been killed along with her father, Ellie would have wanted to die too! The thought that the little girl might have been harmed in any way still had the power to give her nightmares…
‘How can I answer that? Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve said? I took my responsibilities extremely seriously as far as looking after my niece was concerned, and all I know is I would never have done anything to put her in jeopardy!’
‘But you did put her in jeopardy—did you not, Elizabeth? She could easily have been killed along with her father!’ Nikolai threw her the most contemptuous glance imaginable, and right then Ellie honestly did feel like dying.
But she quickly reminded herself she’d suffered enough regret and distress to last her ten lifetimes, and knew it would serve no purpose whatsoever to ceaselessly revisit those debilitating emotions. Life moved on. She had moved on—even if the man in front of her hadn’t. It still appeared that he wanted to punish and blame her for what had happened to his brother.
Hugging her arms over her chest, Ellie moved her head slowly from side to side. ‘I would never have allowed anything or anyone to harm the baby… I adored her! I—I… ’
‘What?’
‘I loved her… I still love her.’
It was obvious that Nikolai was in no mood to listen to reason. But Ellie’s compassion as well as her training told her that she needed to remember he was in pain too. He had lost his only brother, and had suffered the shock of learning that his beloved baby niece had been in the car too. She had to forgive him his anger and resentment, even if it wasn’t in her power to reveal to him what had really happened that day. But he had to accept that five years had gone by. What did he want Ellie to do? Give up on her own future because she had lived and Sasha hadn’t? Was that the punishment he wanted to exact? No doubt he was furious about the perceived success she had made of her life since the accident, and the irony of that was hardly lost on her. She didn’t feel like a success.
‘I understand your need to know what happened. I really do.’ She shrugged sympathetically, and the most illogical hope suddenly surfaced inside her. Could she somehow make contact with the more human side of him? Was she crazy even to try?
Nikolai Golitsyn had always been an enigma to her: reserved, self-contained and sometimes chillingly aloof. When Ellie had first worked for him she had often wondered what it would take to breach those iceberg-like walls he seemed so frequently to retreat behind when in company. Occasionally she had been party to glimpses of intriguing warmth in his character—especially when he’d been around his small niece—and that had provoked Ellie’s helpless interest in the man even more. The idea that there was some softness lurking somewhere inside that intimidating frame of his had been disturbingly appealing.
‘Don’t you think I’d like to know too? I feel like a sculpture that’s accidentally had too much stone chipped away. It’s left me feeling hollow and uneven inside. And I know…I know that I’ll never be the same again.’
Nikolai slid his hand into his trouser pocket and sighed deeply—but without the smallest trace of sympathy. ‘Whether your memory returns or not, you and I have some unfinished business—and there is no escaping that fact!’ His jaw visibly hardened. ‘You will soon learn that there are consequences for running away like you did, Elizabeth.’
Ellie blanched, ‘Consequences?’
‘I have to go now. But I have a table booked in the hotel restaurant in a couple of hours’ time. I will expect you to join me there for dinner. Do not even think of refusing me!’
There was a knock at the door and, unable to disguise his impatience, Nikolai called out, ‘Yes?’
A large man with close-cropped hair, immaculately suited and with the kind of physical frame that suggested moving mountains would be as easy as treading on an ant to him, put his head round the door. Remembering that from time to time Nikolai employed the use of such men as bodyguards, Ellie