What was she going to do? Always before when she hadn’t known what to do she had talked to Josh, but he was the one person now she couldn’t, mustn’t, tell.
If sleeping together all those years ago would have spoilt their friendship, it was nothing to what confessing how she felt now would do. Josh was with Aisling, Bella reminded herself bleakly. She was just going to have to accept that friends was all they were, and make an effort to like Aisling for his sake.
That wasn’t going to be easy, but she would try.
She might not be able to tell Josh how her life had changed so completely, but she could tell him the truth about Will. It was stupid to carry on pretending, Bella decided. She had never lied to Josh before, and it didn’t feel right. If they were friends, and they had always been that, she should just admit that Will was not her ideal man after all.
But there never seemed to be an opportunity over the next couple of weeks. In spite of her determination to try harder with Aisling, Bella balked at trying to explain why she had pretended the way she had in front of her. She wasn’t sure she could stand Aisling’s sympathy or—worse—her understanding.
So when she got an email from Josh one day saying that Aisling was going out with some old colleagues and suggesting that the two of them meet up for a drink the following evening, Bella thought it would be her best chance to straighten things out. Some of them, anyway.
‘Absolutely,’ she emailed back. ‘Don’t seem to have had a good chat for ages and have lots to tell you. Usual time, usual place?’
‘News for you too,’ Josh replied immediately. ‘See you tomorrow.’
Bella was ridiculously nervous next day, and so tense and snappy at work that others in the office took to edging round her. Really, it was worse than going on a first date!
She couldn’t believe that she felt this twitchy about meeting Josh. She was pinning her hopes on a miraculous cure, whereby one look at him would be enough for her to realise that she had blown everything out of proportion—and, let’s face it, it wouldn’t be the first time she had done that!—and to discover that she wasn’t in love with him at all.
But part of her knew that this was just wishful thinking. She was stuck with this now.
Her hands shook as she brushed her hair and put on fresh lipstick in the ladies’ loo at the end of the day.
‘You look nice,’ said her boss’s PA, who was also titivating in front of the mirror prior to going out. ‘Heavy date tonight?’
‘No,’ said Bella, moistening her lips. ‘Just meeting a friend.’
A friend. That was all he was. She must remember that. Never mind that she couldn’t even say his name without her insides twisting themselves into a knot.
She arrived at the bar ten minutes early, unheard of for her. It was a standing joke that her watch ran twenty-five minutes slower than Josh’s. She got herself a drink and sat down at a table, twisting the glass nervously between her hands.
This was awful! She didn’t know whether she longed for Josh to arrive or dreaded it.
When he did, bang on time as usual, he didn’t even bother to look for her, but glanced at his watch, assumed she would be late and went straight to the bar.
Bella’s heart jerked painfully at the sight of him and stuck, hammering frantically, in her throat. It was lucky that he hadn’t seen her and come straight over, as she couldn’t have spoken if she had tried. So much for her hope that she would turn out not to be in love with him after all.
Her eyes rested on him hungrily as he stood at the bar, wearing chinos and a battered old jacket. She had spent years rolling her eyes at his complete absence of any sense of style at all, and the boring way he insisted on having his hair cut. Now just looking at the back of his neck was like a hand squeezing hard inside her.
Josh might not be the sharpest of dressers but he exuded a kind of tough competence, and he wasn’t a man who got ignored by bar staff. He was served far more quickly than Bella had been, and turned with a beer in his hand to look for a table.
Swallowing hard, Bella waved to attract his attention, and his searching expression changed ludicrously to one of surprise.
‘Bella!’ He put his beer down on the table and bent to kiss her cheek. ‘You’re on time! Did I slip into a parallel universe without noticing? What’s come over you?’
I’m in love with you.
Her face tingled where his lips had brushed against her skin. She felt absurdly shy.
‘Things were quiet at work so I left early,’ she said.
‘Things quiet in the PR world?’ said Josh as he sat down opposite her. ‘This is a parallel universe!’
He picked up his beer. ‘Cheers,’ he said and they chinked glasses. Taking a sip he set the glass down again and smiled at Bella. ‘So,’ he said. ‘You’re looking good.’
‘So are you.’
He looked more than good. He looked wonderful. Bella couldn’t take her eyes off him. She wanted to crawl over to him, sit in his lap and run her hand up his arm and along his shoulder, to kiss his throat and then work her way along his jaw to his mouth…
Appalled at the sheer grip of lust, she gulped her wine shakily. All those years she had taken Josh for granted, and now she could hardly keep her hands off him! Thank God he was sitting opposite and hadn’t chosen the seat beside her. Even so, she tightened both hands around the stem of the glass where she could see them on top of the table and keep them under control.
‘How are things with you?’ she managed.
‘Great. And you?’
‘Yes, fine.’
This was ghastly. Bella felt close to tears. It had always been so easy with Josh before. They would get their drinks and spend the rest of the evening talking and laughing and teasing each other, and now they were sitting here being polite to each other.
‘Are you still going off to the Seychelles?’
Josh nodded. He was obviously picking up on the awkward atmosphere. ‘In a couple of weeks,’ he said.
‘Lucky you. I wish I could go away in November. It’s always so dark and miserable then.’
God, now they were reduced to the weather!
Josh didn’t even try and pick up on that particular conversational gambit. He drank his beer instead and an uncomfortable silence fell.
Bella concentrated on making patterns with the condensation on the bottom of her glass. She was supposed to be telling him about Will but she wasn’t sure how to do it without explaining how her feelings had changed, and if Josh probed too far in that direction it wouldn’t take him long to realise that she had changed, and then he would want to know why and…oh, God, perhaps it would be better not to say anything?
‘So,’ said Josh again, sounding rather strained. ‘What’s new with you? You said you had a lot to tell me.’
‘You go first,’ she said quickly. ‘You said you had news too.’
‘Yes…yes, I do.’
He sounded almost as hesitant as she felt. He obviously didn’t know where to begin either. A tiny chill crept into Bella’s stomach.
‘Is it good or bad?’ she asked, trying to make light of it.
‘Good,’ said Josh after another tiny hesitation.
‘You don’t sound very sure!’
He didn’t. Josh could hear it himself. ‘No, it is good. Definitely good,’ he said.
The best, in fact. So why didn’t it feel fantastic? Josh wondered. It had seemed such a good idea when