Zoe’s nod was jerky. Her tears had stopped for the moment but she heard herself sniff. She pulled a few tissues from the box, blew her nose and then dabbed at her eyes, hoping Teo wouldn’t notice.
He didn’t appear to. He was looking down at Emma. ‘So who’s this little sweetheart?’ he asked.
‘Her name’s Emma.’
‘She’s, what, about six months old?’
‘Nearly.’
‘And … she’s yours?’
‘Yes.’ Zoe had noticed the hesitation and it made her feel ashamed. Was the lack of a normal mother-child bond so obvious?
Emma chose that moment to start grizzling, too, as if the confirmation that Zoe was her mother was disturbing. Zoe stared down at the bottle of milk she was still carrying.
‘You could heat that up a bit,’ Teo suggested. ‘There’s a microwave over there beside the coffee-making stuff.’
‘We can’t stay.’
‘Why not?’
‘Emma’s got an appointment at the clinic. We’ve been waiting for ages so it must be nearly her turn.’
‘That’s not a problem. I can make sure she gets seen. Is there something you’re worried about?’
‘No. It’s just a routine check-up.’
‘So it’s not urgent.’
‘Well, no … except …’
‘Except what?’ Teo prompted.
‘I … um … I’ve got an appointment myself. At 10.30.’
‘Obstetric?’
‘No.’ Zoe didn’t want to tell him. She could feel the flush of embarrassment colouring her cheeks. It was one of the worst things about being a redhead, the way blushes came so quickly.
‘Sit down, just for a minute,’ Teo said. ‘Please. You won’t be late. This clinic goes on for hours and you can always bring her back after you’ve been … wherever it is you need to go.’
He could see a solution for everything. And it didn’t matter if she didn’t want to tell him anything. In the short silence that followed, Teo sat down in one of the chairs. Emma was quiet again. She looked as if she’d fallen asleep in his arms, too exhausted by her misery to remember she was hungry. Zoe sank down onto the edge of another armchair, feeling defeated. There was no point in denying she had a problem. Teo had seen it for himself. He had been prepared to help her in what had been her worst moment for a very long time. He deserved some honesty.
‘I have an appointment with John Allen,’ she admitted. ‘He’s a—’
‘Clinical psychologist,’ Teo nodded. ‘I know John well. He’s a good friend. He and his wife Susie live in the apartment next to mine.’
Oh … help. Zoe took in a shaky gulp of air. ‘I’d rather he didn’t know about what you saw in the waiting room.’
Teo looked curious. ‘What did I see?’
‘Someone who was being a miserable failure trying to look after her baby,’ Zoe muttered.
Teo shook his head. ‘I saw a mother doing her best in difficult circumstances. Babies are very good at picking up vibes. What I didn’t see was anyone offering you any kind of assistance and I have to say that was disappointing. This is my department and I’m going to have something to say about that at the next staff meeting. You know what?’
‘No …’ Zoe’s response was cautious. She couldn’t believe he was being so non-judgmental. Giving her credit, even, for the meltdown he’d rescued them from.
‘I think I’ll send out a memo. I can do that, cos I’m head of department here. Someone might even read it and take some notice.’ Teo’s smile was fading and his tone became a lot more serious. ‘I saw something else, too,’ he added.
Oh, no … he was the head of the paediatric department? If he did say something to his friend John, her psychologist would certainly take some notice. Zoe gnawed on her bottom lip, hoping she didn’t look as anxious as she was now feeling. What else had he noticed?
‘I saw someone who lacked confidence in what she was doing,’ Teo said gently. ‘And while there’s nothing unusual in that when it comes to first-time mothers, in your case it astonished me.’
Zoe wished the floor would just open up and swallow her. This was unbearable.
‘You want to know why?’
Not really, Zoe wanted to say. She didn’t want to hear about just how inept she had looked.
Teo took her silence for assent. ‘Because I saw you for the first time only a few days ago and you know what?’
‘No …’ Zoe almost smiled. She could play this conversational game, especially if he was going to say something nice after getting her to admit her ignorance about what he was going to say.
‘I thought you were Superwoman.’
Zoe blinked. ‘What?’
‘Superwoman,’ Teo repeated. ‘There you were, directing that accident scene, hurling yourself into a mangled wreck of a car, showing off some not inconsiderable skills in getting that woman’s airway and breathing sorted, and then you jumped into a helicopter and took off. All in all, it was a breathtaking performance. You should be proud of yourself.’
It was more than a nice thing to say. Zoe could feel an unfamiliar glow happening inside. She was feeling proud of herself. For the first time in so long. She ducked her head, embarrassed by the sincere praise. Or maybe it was the frank admiration she could see in those dark eyes that was so disconcerting.
‘You made it look easy,’ Teo continued. ‘Just another day at work.’
‘It was. Kind of …’
‘Kind of?’
‘It was my first day back since … oh, since I was about six months pregnant and I was beginning to think I’d never be allowed to go back.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because … um … I got postnatal depression after Emma was born.’ There. She’d said it. She risked a quick glance at his face. The admiration would be gone, for sure. Probably replaced with that wary look people got at the mere whiff of mental illness.
But Teo’s face hadn’t changed. ‘Badly?’
Zoe stared down at her hands. ‘Yeah … I got hospitalised and given some pretty heavy-duty drugs. And then I went into a mothering unit for a while. I’m back home now but … it’s still hard.’
‘Of course it is. Being a mother is hard enough without the extra challenge of PND.’
Zoe just nodded, glancing at her watch. If she left now, she could still make her appointment with John in time, but she didn’t want to leave Teo with this negative image of her. It would be far better if he continued thinking of her as Superwoman.
‘When I’m at work,’ she confided shyly, ‘I’m me. The me I used to be. The me I recognise. It’s when I’m at home that it’s different and it’s in places like this when I know the other mothers are watching me and judging me that it’s the hardest of all.’
She looked up at smiled. ‘Thank you for helping,’ she said quietly. ‘I don’t think you know how much it means.’
‘It was a pleasure, Zoe. I’m sure you’ve got a ton of friends supporting you but if you ever need an extra, I’ll be