‘You’ll get paid on a Saturday morning, at the end of the week, you chancer,’ Rea answered back, then added, ‘No argument.’
He was still laughing when he picked up the two black sacks Rea had tied up ready for him. He hauled them over his shoulder. For a skinny lad, he was strong. ‘I’ll grab the ones out back in a minute,’ he said.
‘You eating enough, Louis?’ Rea asked, worried. His mother wasn’t a bad person, she realised. Just a bit flaky and far too preoccupied with her love life. But, there again, she was a single mum, so who was she to judge? She’d had George to help raise her two.
‘Yeah, yeah,’ Louis replied.
‘And are you doing your homework? You know it’s important you do well in your exams.’
‘Quit your nagging, you’re worse than me ma.’ But he was grinning. The truth was, he loved coming to Rea’s and loved her worrying about him. He didn’t get to see his grandma any more because his ma and her had fallen out.
‘Alright! I’ll shut up, for now. I’ll text you when they’re full again. And this time, I don’t care how busy you are, don’t leave me waiting.’
‘Mam say’s you’re weird, you know.’ He looked back over his shoulder as he opened the back door.
‘A lot do,’ Rea replied.
‘She doesn’t get why you never go out. You don’t, do you? Go out any more?’
What was there to say in response to that?
‘None of your beeswax. See you in a few days.’ And she slammed the back door shut as she shooed him out.
Explaining why she didn’t go out any more was difficult. She didn’t really understand it herself and, in her experience, when she tried to explain it to family and friends, they understood it less.
The fear, the panic at being outside, well, it sort of crept up on her. She hadn’t been herself for a long time. Not since Elise had left, really. George had thought she was depressed. She went to see her doctor and he told her it was normal. Empty-nest syndrome. Most went through it. Then, of course, came the grief. It took over everything. Then one day, while she was out doing the weekly shopping in Clare Hall, her first big panic attack happened. The shopping mall began to vibrate. One minute she was standing in Tesco trying to decide whether she fancied real butter or low-low, when something shifted. Inside of her. And around her. The lights that lined the cool fridge grew too bright and jarred her eyes. She remembered stepping back from it, dropping the butter onto the floor, a dull thud resounded as it made impact. Her vision then blurred and floaties danced around her eyes, making her head spin. It was like being sea-sick and hungover all at once.
She had to get out of the store. She walked, no, she ran out, leaving her full trolly behind her. She could feel the eyes of passerbys staring at her. Just another mad woman on the loose. She tried not to stumble as she felt the world spin and turn on its axis, shoving her from one side of the shopping centre to the other. Her stomach then cramped up and she searched around her for a bin. And, like a drunk in the street, she threw up into a grey plastic bin, much to the disgust of the rest of the shoppers. She could hear them judging, pointing.
‘She’s off her head!’
‘Disgraceful at this hour.’
‘The shame of it. I’m scarlet for her.’
And then, with those endorsements ringing in her ears, for the first time in her life, Rea passed out.
That was her first panic attack.
And the beginning of the end.
STELLA
Matt walked into the kitchen and held up Stella’s contraceptive pill sheet in his hand. ‘I think it’s time we threw these in the bin, my darling.’
She watched him in horror as he put his foot on the pedal bin and chucked them inside.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked, appalled and completely thrown by his actions. The subject of children had never been discussed by either of them. He’d made it clear that he didn’t care for them. He often commented on friends’ wives who had succumbed to the dreaded ‘mummy tummy.’
Years ago, Stella had assumed children were part of her distant future. She wanted what her parents had created at home for their family; aspired to give the same to children of her own one day.
But that was a long time ago. Now, she thanked the heavens that children were not part of the madness of life with Matt.
She had to find a way to leave him. But she also knew that if she had children that would never happen. She would be trapped forever. And what if he hit their child too? She felt her body shake in response to that thought.
‘You can’t do that!’ She found her voice, moving towards the bin. ‘It’s a big decision. We need to talk about it. Together.’
He walked towards her and put her face in his hands. ‘Oh my darling, don’t you see? This is the answer to all our problems. A baby will bring us closer together. I was having lunch with Adrian and a couple of the lads today. And all they were banging on about were children. Adrian told me that children had been the making of him.’
‘Just because your boss has kids doesn’t mean that we have to!’ Stella said.
‘Of course it doesn’t. But I see how he is with the other fathers at work. He’s bringing Padriac out to golf on Saturday morning and don’t tell me that’s nothing to do with the fact that they are both bonded over the night feeds! We just need to be careful that you don’t follow in Padriac’s wife’s footsteps. She gained four stone when she had those twins and she’s not lost a pound since.’ He shuddered as he said this. ‘But I’ll keep an eye on your diet. I’m sure we can do this, with minimal damage to your waistline.’
He picked up his iPad and started to Google healthy diets for pregnant women.
The abuse that Matt inflicted on her, mental and physical, that was all on him. But if she allowed a child to come into the equation, that was on her. Pure and simple. Stella knew for a long time that she could not perpetuate the ‘happily-ever-after’ myth. Her staying, on her own, was one thing. Just the thought of a baby made her survival instincts jump up and grab her by her throat.
‘Matt, I can’t just stop taking the pill. I need to go see a doctor first.’ She walked over and retrieved the package from the bin.
‘Why?’
‘Just to be safe. Let me make an appointment to discuss this. Make sure I’m healthy. That my body is ready to have a baby.’
He watched her for a moment. Then shook his head. ‘There’s no need to get doctors involved until you’re pregnant. It might take a few months for it to happen anyhow, but think of the fun we’ll have trying.’
When he touched Stella, when he ran his hand over her breasts and leaned in to kiss her, it took every inch of control not to shudder.
‘We’ll have beautiful babies. Two. A boy, then a girl. One year in between them.’ He said.
‘You have it all worked out.’
‘The perfect family,’ he replied.
And what happens if two girls come along, or two boys, Stella wanted to ask him. What then? Life isn’t perfect. There had been many times in her life that she wished for a do-over. How she wished she’d not fallen for him. A mere 386 days ago. Doesn’t sound like a long time, but it had become endless for her. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
The night she met him, she’d been at her lowest. Weeks