CHRIS
EVANS
MEMOIRS OF A FRUITCAKE
The Wilderness Years 2000–2010
(plus a bit before but it didn’t sound as good)
HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street, London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2010
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
© Chris Evans 2010
Chris Evans asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
All photographs are courtesy of the author with the exception of the following:
Plate 1: Page 1, middle left: PHOTOGRAPH BY GARRETT BRENNAN/CPI, CAMERA PRESS LONDON; Page 1, bottom left: PHOTOGRAPH BY GARRETT BRENNAN/CPI, CAMERA PRESS LONDON; Page 3, above right: © Starstock/Photoshot; Page 5, middle left: courtesy of Gordon MacGeachy; Page 5, middle right: courtesy of Gordon MacGeachy; Page 5, bottom right: © Talking Sport/Photoshot
Plate 2: Page 11, below right: Neale Haynes/Contour by Getty Images; Page 12, below: © Jackie King; Page 10 middle right: Jeff Moore/Jeff Moore/Empics Entertainment; Page 13, below: © Brian J. Ritchie/Rex Features; Page 15, above left: courtesy of the Radio Times; Page 15, above right: © The One Show; Page 16, © Rankin
Endpaper photographs © Camera Press/James Peltekian; Getty Images; Daily Mirror/Mirrorpix; Press Association Images; Starstock/UPPA/Photoshot; Rex Features; Shutterstock
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
HB ISBN 978-0-00-734568-7
TPB ISBN 978-0-00-734569-4
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Ebook Edition © SEPTEMBER 2010 ISBN:9780007345724
2016-11-30
To my mum Minnie, my daughter Jade, my son Noah and most of all to my wife Natasha, who put up with me spending six months in the garage with my past instead of spending six months in the house with the present.
And to my balls, which thankfully I still have after Tash capitulated on her threat to cut them off if I hadn’t finished this book before our summer holidays in Portugal, something I failed spectacularly to do.
Contents
Introduction: Top 10 Highlights of My Tale So Far
Part One: Memoirs of a Fruitcake
Top 10: ‘Turns’ I Have Employed
Top 10: Things a Proprietor Should Never Do
Top 10: Crazy Things to Do With Your Money
Top 10: Must Haves When I Built My Dream House
Top 10: Restaurants I’ll Never Forget
Top 10: Unforgettable Showbiz Moments
Top 10: Things That Come in a Bottle
Top 10: Perks I Gave Out as a Boss
Top 10: Dodgy Decisions I Have Made
Top 10: Ways Drinking too Much Leads to Fooling Yourself
Top 10: Quotes to Get You Through Moments of Doubt
Top 10: Things Drinking Can Destroy
Top 10: Bad Things That Can Happen When You’re Drunk
Top 10: Things People Often Think I Am But I’m Not
Part Two: When Billie Met Chris
Top 10: Ways to Know You’re in Love
Top 10: Fab Hotels I’ve Stayed in
Top 10: Things That Make a Wedding Brilliant
Top 10: Really Bad Career Moves that I Have Experienced