My mate’s dad—not my biggest fan; perhaps he knew about me and his wife—ended up ‘having’ to give me a lift home after being convinced that I really couldn’t see anything without my specs.
He reluctantly went to get his keys and coat, but before he did so he looked at the state of me and audibly laughed.
‘Thanks for that,’ I thought. ‘Please die soon.’
The next day at school I had to wear my old specs again, a far cry from the Reactolite Rapides that had said farewell the night before—these were altogether much more NHS. The weird kid with ginger hair from the grammar school had just got a little weirder.
We had rehearsals for Oliver! scheduled again later that day and all I could think about was what was going to happen when I saw Tina. I couldn’t concentrate on my first lesson, I felt like such a loser. The only thing I knew for sure was that I must learn to fight—but first I had to endure breaktime.
I wandered off into a corner of the playground and was in that frame of mind where nothing matters, nothing that has gone before, nothing that exists now and nothing that may exist in the future. I was numb to the core and also really confused. I had done nothing wrong, had been nearly half killed by an idiot and his big knuckles, yet it was me who felt like the schmuck.
My poor old swollen nose was an inch away from the school wall. I was staring at a brick now, hoping breaktime would never end. If I had to stare at this wall for the rest of eternity I wouldn’t mind as long as I didn’t have to face Tina again.
It was one of those moments like when you climb into a bath and can put life on hold until you decide to climb out again. I recognised I was both at peace and yet totally fucked at the same time, but as long as I didn’t move from the exact position I was in—ever—I would be fine. For anything else I would need a miracle. Which was, in fact, what was about to happen.
‘Er, Chris…hi.’
It couldn’t be.
‘Are you alright?’
It was—it was Tina’s voice.
Slowly I turned around and sure enough the rest of the world was still there and in the middle of it all, larger than life with the sweetest, most benevolent expression on her face, framed perfectly, was Tina.
‘Yeah, I’m OK thanks—just checking out the wall.’
‘I know, I’ve been watching you for the last few minutes. I’d been trying to find you since break started and then I saw you over here.’
‘Oh…’ (Brilliant reply, Chris, simply brilliant. That’s how you get your girl, with a weak and pathetic ‘Oh.’)
‘I heard what happened last night and I’m really sorry, he’s such an idiot.’
‘Oh…’ (I was getting good at this ‘oh’ business.)
‘He’s not my boyfriend, you know, at least definitely not now. I was sort of seeing him but not really, I mean, we hadn’t ever done anything.’
‘Er…I see.’ (Hey, look at that, I was evolving, like prehistoric man—only slower.)
She was still smiling, she really did have the greatest smile and she had more to say.
‘So now he’s not my boyfriend, that means we could go out together…if you liked?’
If—I—liked?
IF I LIKED?
Of course I liked. Tina, I was in love with you.
‘But…’
Here’s a little tip, whenever anyone gives you or offers you something you want, something you have longed for, something you have only ever been able to dream about before—do not—whatever you do—start your next sentence with the word…but.
It’s pointless, there is no need, it’s not heroic or grateful sounding. To be meek at these times serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. It just sounds wet and feeble, it introduces tedium into the proceedings and, above all, it’s completely and altogether stupid.
‘…but…’ (Aggggghhhhh!!! Shut up, you cock.)
‘But what?’
But nothing, you prick. Say—‘But nothing.’
(The only word that should ever really follow ‘but’ is the word ‘nothing’, then the world would be a better place and we would all get more things done and there would be less wars.) Tell her you love her and you love her smell and you always have and you always will and that you would walk over hot coals just to be able to get her back her rough book.
‘But…’ and then it came, the most ridiculous self-pitying, crap line of all time, ‘…why would you want to go out with me?’
Genius.
‘I always have, ever since we first met. I think you’re really nice and funny. I was going to ask you anyway. I just had to sort out the thing with Shit For Brains.’
‘Ha ha, that’s what I call him.’
‘Ha ha—see, we already have something in common…So what do you think?’
‘I think yeah, absolutely.’ This was more like it. Acceptance is everything in most occasions.
‘Brill, so I’ll wait for you at home time by the gates then. You can walk me back to ours.’
Wow bloody wee. She was amazing, different class, she had sealed the deal—almost.
‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I would love to do that.’
‘I would love you to do that.’
‘Great,’ I said.
‘Fab,’ she said.
‘Fine,’ I said.
‘Well…’ she said.
‘What?’ I said.
‘Aren’t you going to kiss your new girlfriend?’
Oh my goodness, this girl was the tops, the nuts, it didn’t get any better than this and if it did I didn’t want it.
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I would love to do that.’
‘I would love you to do that.’
And then we kissed—briefly but softly and beautifully. We pulled apart and smiled.
‘Should we do it again?’ I asked.
‘Yehhhh,’ said Tina enthusiastically.
This time we went for it, a full-on playground snog and it was earth-shattering. Tina was totally into it, I was totally into it. Unfortunately the teacher on duty at the time was not so much into it.
‘Can you please stop that kissing, you two?’ said the master in question.
When we pulled apart I remember him being visibly shocked to see who it was. As I said before, Tina was a model pupil.
‘And Tina, you should know better.’
Without missing a beat, she replied, ‘Sorry sir, we weren’t really kissing, we were practising for later.’
And with that, the coolest girl ever to walk Planet Earth grabbed me by the tie and said, ‘Come on Chrissy, this way.’
Shit the bed, I had a girlfriend and she was the greatest woman in the world.