Career ambition was a self-perpetuating circle, with every stage avidly anticipated until life became a blinkered, arrow-straight journey on which the traveller had no inkling of what was happening in the real world beyond their radar of professional hopes and dreams. And she was realizing this for the first time tonight after the worst thing that could happen to such a committed race participant had happened to her. If she hadn’t resigned, James would have had to fire her.
It was her stop.
She heaved herself out of her seat and the anvil-heavy weight on her shoulders pressed down even harder. When she emerged into the dark street above, the shower had morphed into a full-blown storm, with raindrops hammering down onto the pavement like stair rods. She prepared herself for another soaking and this time couldn’t even summon up the energy to jog. Her hair stuck to her cheeks and she shoved it behind her ears as she made her way to her flat in the eaves of a Victorian terrace house in West Hampstead.
She was relieved that Dylan would still be out at his gig. She had been so focused on the preparations for the Jaxx Benson opening night that she hadn’t registered much of the garbled conversation they’d had when she left him in bed at six o’clock that morning. They rarely communicated before she left for work. Dylan’s world as a musician spun on an alternate time zone and he lived an almost nocturnal lifestyle, which meant he never got up before midday and often stayed out until two or three o’clock in the morning.
They had hardly seen each other recently, and she craved a dose of the cheerful, guitar-obsessed man she had fallen in love with but who seemed to have gone into hiding lately. Since college they had pursued their dreams together and when she had found a flat in London he had joined her, hoping that being in the capital would kick-start his music career.
After six months of fruitless auditioning, she had asked him to think about getting a part-time job to help with their rent. But he had told her not to worry, that he was on the cusp of stardom and that the next gig he performed at would be the one in which his undeniable talent would be discovered. Whenever she asked to hear one of the songs he had written, he refused, telling her it still needed tweaking.
If she were honest with herself, she knew that Dylan had stopped chasing his dreams months ago, and she hoped that night’s gig, the first in three months, would help to pull him out of his recent lethargy. She wasn’t ready to accept that their relationship had faded, that it was limping along well after its sell-by date because neither of them had the time or the courage to have ‘the conversation’.
She let herself in the main entrance, depositing puddles instead of footprints on the chequerboard flooring, and trudged up the stairs. As she paused on the landing outside her front door, her heart swooped down to her toes. The heavy beat of a rock music anthem met her ears and she groaned.
Why was Dylan home so early?
She just couldn’t face him, couldn’t bear to regurgitate the fiasco of that night’s events for his benefit. However, despite Dylan’s continuous efforts to make the flat feel more ‘relaxed’ by sabotaging her obsession with orderliness, this was still her home and she had nowhere else to go. All she wanted to do at that moment was sink into a scorching-hot bath and soak away the pain.
‘Dylan, I wasn’t expecting you to …’
She stopped in her tracks, her hand still clutching the door handle. She couldn’t process what her eyes were telling her. Her living room was unrecognizable. A silvery-blue haze of smoke hung over a scene that looked like a gang of marauding baboons had been let loose from their confinement at the zoo, had indulged in a frenzy of illicit alcohol and junk food, and then rolled over to sleep off the after-effects.
The cushions and padded seats from her sofa were scattered around the room, one spewing its feather innards onto the rug. Every available space was covered with discarded beer cans, takeaway cartons, and various musical instruments. Her collection of spirits had been moved to the coffee table and their contents drained – even the disgusting banana liqueur her Aunt Margaret had brought back from Tenerife. The kitchen cupboards had been opened and boxes of cereal and pasta were strewn along the units.
But all this was nothing compared to the comatose bodies dotted around her living room and the rancid stench of leftover curry, cigarette smoke, and another unidentifiable aroma that permeated the air. A curl of nausea circled her stomach.
She scanned the room in search of someone she recognized. Her eyes landed on Noah and Frankie, two of Dylan’s fellow band members, sprawled out on the floor, self-rolled cigarettes jutting from their lips, playing cards as their heads rocked to the blaring music. They hadn’t heard her come in. Neither had the two scantily clad girls sharing her favourite tartan-covered armchair, their heads lolling against each other’s as they slept. A third man was asleep next to the window, his feet wrapped up in her silk curtains.
There was no sign of Dylan.
She inhaled a deep breath, fighting the urge to cough as the smoke hit her lungs, and stepped further into the room. Her emotions, which had previously been swirling out of control, had become surprisingly, dangerously, calm.
‘What’s going on? Where’s Dylan?’
‘Oh, hi, Evie,’ exclaimed Noah, pushing himself upright with difficulty before emitting a loud belch and scratching his straggly beard. His heavy-lidded eyes shot towards the bathroom door and his forehead creased in confusion. ‘Weren’t expecting you back until later. Thought you were at some famous guy’s painting show?’
The bathroom door opened and she wished she had a camera to record the look of horror on Dylan’s face.
‘Evie? What are you doing here?’
‘I live here! This is my flat! And in case you need reminding, I also pay all the bills. What exactly is going on, Dylan? You promised me you wouldn’t throw another house party after what went on last time. What happened to the pub gig you told me about?’
‘Got cancelled at the last minute so I asked the guys and a couple of pals back here to drown our sorrows. Why is that so much of a problem?’
Evie glanced around her usually pristine flat and for the first time she saw clearly what her life had become.
Dylan slouched in front of her, his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his scruffy, torn jeans, his lifeless brown hair a little too long to be trendy, a look of defiance on his pale, pinched face. Every single penny he earned from the infrequent gigs his band played was spent on beer, cigarettes, and music and he used the flat like a hotel with its own live-in maid – her.
Her thoughts flew back to the last time he had held an impromptu party without her knowledge. He had accused her of being a killjoy when she had complained about his friends emptying her drinks cabinet and fridge, but the loss of her grandmother’s silver watch had been the final straw and an almighty row had ensued, culminating in her refusing to countenance any more parties.
This was a light bulb moment. Clearly tonight Dylan had stuck two fingers up at her request when he knew she wouldn’t be around to witness his breach of her trust. She wondered if there had even been a ‘gig’. She blamed herself though. Despite her residual feelings of loyalty for their relationship, it wasn’t fair on either of them to let it limp on like a bedraggled dog. She had fallen out of love with him.
‘I want you to leave, Dylan.’ She felt no stab of loss, just an overwhelming sense of calm and relief to have said the words, and an absolute certainty that what she was doing was right.
‘What?’
‘I want you to pack your rucksack – now – and go. And take your friends with you.’
She