As ‘Daddy’s little girls’ many of us were raised dreaming of a prince who would be bristling with confidence and who would battle through the undergrowth to rescue us. Colette Dowling has called this the ‘Cinderella Complex’ in her book of the same name (Pocket Books, 1981) and forcibly argues that women must recognize and own this yearning for dependence and desire to be saved.
We must also remember that stereotypes such as this affect our sexual behaviour and those around us.
And in the world of work, I once heard some women talking self-deprecatingly about their role in the workplace (in this case a factory). They said things like, ‘Women can put up with boring jobs, men need something more to occupy them,’ and ‘It’s not a bad life for a woman anyway.’
Somewhere deep in our subconscious, men and women alike often associate being ‘good’ with playing the demure second fiddle to a man. It is perhaps not surprising, therefore, that men do generally have more confidence if, as women, we perpetuate the stereotypes in our own behaviour and in the way we continue to parent, educate and generally encourage boys and men to possess ‘masculine’ traits, and girls and women to possess the ‘feminine’ ones.
Do Men Have Special Difficulties?
Since writing the first edition of this book, I did a Master’s degree specializing in ‘Men and Masculinity’. The reason I chose this special subject of study was that more and more men were consulting me with problems, particularly in the area of confidence. I felt my personal experience of men (although possibly above average in its breadth!) needed professionally augmenting. I was right. The course did open up my eyes to the particular pressures that were at the root of many men’s problems. Thankfully these are now written and talked about so extensively in the mass media that you don’t need a Master’s to become aware of them! We know that many men who may have formerly had masses of confidence are now quaking internally because:
they have lost their jobs or fear they are about to do so. (Men’s inner confidence is inextricably linked to their ability to work and earn. Most women’s confidence is less dependent on their having a job.)
many of their wives and daughters or female colleagues are more successful (the masculine psyche is still influenced by centuries of gender programming which says the reverse should be true).
they have lost control of and possibly the respect of their children (perhaps simply because work or divorce has kept them at a distance).
they are unable to understand or work with the new softly-softly style of management at work (the old hierarchical style is one which most men have been culturally programmed to feel more at ease with, even when they want to change it).
they are losing their partners (perhaps simply because they cannot meet their new demands to be ‘emotionally intelligent’).
So both genders have their own special problems with regard to confidence. But I am sure we share many more which stem from very similar roots. Very few boys or girls can emerge from childhood without their confidence having been knocked in some way or other. (Because, quite simply, there are no perfect parents, perfect teachers, perfect siblings or perfect peers!) Another truth is that very few men or women can travel through adulthood without encountering some heavy confidence-bashing en route. After all, don’t we all feel the effects when, for example, we:
• make a mistake or fail to live up to our own expectations
• are left by people we have loved
• are ill and lose a degree of independence
• are without a home or financial security
• are let down by people we trusted
• are heavily criticized
• are bullied
• are mugged or burgled or conned
• face a change for which we are not adequately prepared.
| Confidence boosting is a skill that everyone needs in order to survive normal everyday life and rise to the continual challenges of our evolving universe. |
The degree to which each individual’s confidence will be hurt by such knocks and the rate at which it will recover may vary, but we all know about the pain (and inconvenience!) that a loss of confidence brings. I doubt if even the most meticulous genetic engineering of personality traits and idyllic lifestyle would ever be able to offer guaranteed protection.
| WHAT CAN HELP YOU • loving yourself • knowing yourself • skilful behaviour • optimism • genuineness WHAT CAN HINDER YOU • powerlessness • sexism • guilt • stereotypes • blame |
Changing Ourselves and Our World
Is Change Really Possible?
Yes, some ‘human leopards’ can – and do – change their spots! And the change no longer has to take a life-time. Advances in the fields of psychology and psychotherapy during the past 50 years have been immense. Today, we understand better than ever before how personalities are formed and sustained and we have developed relatively quick methods of enabling people to change their behaviour and feelings, if they wish to do so. The process of changing may not always be easy but it is invariably exciting and challenging, especially if we feel involved and in control of the operation ourselves!
Can We Change on Our Own?
Yes, and even if you do choose to get some help, you will still be doing at least 90 per cent of the work yourself! Self-help is the key to modern methods of helping people to change. That is not to say that professional therapists, like myself, have inadvertently worked ourselves out of a job! It’s just that our role and focus have changed. We aim to work in partnership with people. We try not to stand on pedestals, as symbols of perfect mental health. We allow ourselves to be seen as ‘real people’ with all the failings and imperfections which seem to go hand-in-hand with being human. We do not want to hide our knowledge and skills behind a cloak of mystique; we want to share these and admit our limitations.
Good therapy or counselling is not something that we passively receive and feel grateful for, it is two (or more) people working experimentally, and in partnership, towards a goal which we have set for ourselves, using techniques which we fully understand and have control over.
Another alternative is to join – or create – a self-help group. You can use this book and others, such as those recommended in the suggested Further Reading on here, to help you organize yourself.
Whichever method you use you can be sure that the self-help approach will prove to be a confidence booster in itself!
How Long Will It Take?
This will vary from individual to individual. For some people, six months may be all it will take to change some habits and regain their confidence. Others may take several years to reach the stage where they truly believe in their own worth. But starting the process can in itself be confidence-boosting.