The ZimZum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage. Rob Bell

the problem is you.

      You brought something to the space that you haven’t dealt with, and it’s affecting you both. Until you deal with it, it will continue to have a negative effect on the flow between you. The space, however, is highly responsive, and it’s surprising how even the smallest steps toward health can significantly change things.

      You zimzum, they zimzum, you know they’d do anything for you, you talk about what makes each of you thrive, the arrows go back and forth—that’s what creates the energetic flow between you.

      But then there are the times when the arrows don’t feel equal. Times when you feel like you’re doing your part, but they aren’t doing theirs. In those moments it’s easy to become resentful, keeping track of who’s doing what, clutching your scorecard.

      You know the scorecard, right?

      The scorecard is how we keep track of how much we’re giving and how much they’re giving and who’s sacrificing more and who’s carrying more of the weight and who’s got the lighter load and who’s taken on more of the responsibility so that the other can pursue their goals and who’s working harder at the relationship and who owes more and who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher. The scorecard is at the heart of an extraordinary number of fights; it lurks in the shadows of lots of heated discussions, and if it’s not addressed and is left unchecked, it can poison the space between you.

      The scorecard is rooted in resentment, and the space between you is highly responsive to resentment. Even the slightest tremors of bitterness can block the flow of love.