Day after day, night after night, he’ll patiently give me wise and measured advice that I may not like hearing at the time, but which always and inevitably turns out to be the right course of action to take. And he’ll say absolutely nothing while I rant on and let off steam about whatever office politics happen to be in play, then calmly reduce all my stresses and worries to their proper proportions. A real friend, in other words.
That rare and precious jewel that I’ve never had before.
Not for the first time, another totally disconnected thought strikes me. Although I go around inwardly congratulating myself on changing him for the better, could it in fact possibly be the other way around? It is him that’s having even more of an effect on me? Because I see how he is around people and slowly, I’m learning from him. I see how friendly and unfailingly polite he is to everyone that comes into his orbit, from waiters in restaurants to the guy who sells The Big Issue on the corner of the street. How warm and interested he is; the way he always has a few words for everyone. And bit by bit, I’m starting to do the same.
Another thing too; can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s like ever since I met him, I’m a far more relaxed person to be around now. Not that I’m sure anyone’s even noticed, but I’m eating better, sleeping better, getting far fewer ulcer cramps (my own personal barometric stress warning). I’m just more contented, more grateful for everything I have. Laughter lines are starting to appear on my face in the most unexpected places.
In the past few weeks, after the longest time, I’ve somehow found my smile again.
‘So tell me this Eloise,’ Helen asks me, ‘what’s your long-term plan here? With Jake, I mean.’
It’s still relatively early but I’ve just managed to crawl home from a meeting with the night editor, so Helen and I can have a badly needed glass of wine and a catch-up chat about our respective days. Another new habit and one I’m really starting to enjoy.
Tonight though, she sounds a bit distant and stressed, which is unlike her. Throughout all this, she’s been a staunch supporter of the leg-up in life that I’ve been giving Jake, on the principle that what’s good for Lily is good for us all. So I grab the bull by the horns.
‘Helen, I hope you don’t mind my asking, but what’s all this about? Is something bothering you? I mean, I don’t get it. Why are you asking me about long-term plans all of a sudden?’
‘Hmmm?’ she says distractedly, focused on an episode of Come Dine with Me on TV.
‘Are you listening?’
‘What? Oh, emm, yeah, I mean no, it’s nothing. I was just a bit … worried about where this is all heading, that’s all.’
‘Come on hon, if there’s something you want to say to me, then I really wish you’d just come straight out with it. Besides, what exactly is there to worry about here? Haven’t I for once in my life done someone a decent turn?’
One of the many, ahem, criticisms frequently levelled at my head in work is that not only do I never put myself out for anyone else, but that I’ve never done one single, disinterested nice thing for another human being ever in my life. And now, sod the lot of them, I have. So what in the name of God could be bothering Helen now?
I even reach out to grab the remote control and turn the TV onto mute, so there’s no avoiding my question.
‘Yes, yeah,’ she nods, ‘of course you have, it really sounds like you’ve worked wonders on the guy. I wasn’t for a second suggesting otherwise.’
‘So, what’s up then?’
‘Well,’ she goes on, swirling her wine round the bottom of the glass, ‘it’s just that …’
‘Just that what? Helen, please tell me. Because if I’ve done something I shouldn’t, I’d be very curious to know exactly what it is.’
‘No, no it’s not that you’ve done anything wrong, it’s just, well, you’re such a great one for plans and more plans and plans within plans …’
‘And?’
‘… And you seem to be really pally with him now.’
‘Oh come on, now what’s so awful about that? It’s … I can’t describe it, but it’s just comforting to have an actual friend. A buddy. Particularly a tough male one who makes me laugh whenever he threatens to sort out Seth Coleman,’ I smile. ‘Mainly because I know he’s not messing. He really would if I asked.’
‘No, no, that wasn’t what I meant at all,’ she muses, totally lost in thought and staring at the stressed hostess on Come Dine with Me getting her dinner guests steadily drunker and drunker to compensate for a curry that looks not unlike pig slop. Prison food, as Jake would say.
‘What, then? Come on, you have to tell me.’
‘Just thinking ahead really, I suppose,’ Helen eventually says, not able to look me in the eye.
‘Ahead to when exactly?’ I say, exasperated now.
‘Look,’ she eventually says. ‘I know I’ve never even met Jake …’
‘We’ve already been over this, hon. You know it’s impossible. For starters, who’d take care of Lily if I was to introduce the two of you?’
‘I know, I know all this,’ she says, stretching out to the bottle of Pinot on the coffee table in front of her and generously topping up both our glasses.
‘But the fact is, I can’t stop myself from thinking ahead to whenever you decide the time is right for him and Lily to meet up. In a heartbeat, the minute she meets him is the minute Jake realises you’ve been holding back on him all that time. You don’t think he’ll wonder why you kept the fact that you had a daughter from him? A daughter that’s his? Because how exactly do you think that’ll make him feel? And how exactly do you suggest explaining that one away? Or is your plan right now to just disappear out of his life as quickly as you came into it, leave him to his own devices and just hope and pray that he’s still on the right track, by the time Lily is old enough to track him down for herself? Because it seems to me that your work with him is done. You’ve woven your magic and transformed an ex-con into an upstanding middle-class teacher, who you probably make go around with a tweed jacket and matching leather elbow patches to prove it and who, knowing you, you’ll have driving round in some teachery style Fiat Punto in no time …’
‘I do not … !’
Though come to think of it, not a bad idea.
‘Eloise, all I’m saying is this. You’re dealing with a human being here, not another project that you’ve successfully managed. Yes, you and he are now the unlikeliest of friends and that’s terrific, if it’s what you want. You really like him; I sometimes think an awful lot more than you even know. But friends don’t lie to each other or keep things from each other. And you’re keeping so much from him, it makes my head spin. So just be honest with him. Because sooner or later, the day will come when he’ll find out exactly how much you were holding back. And what I’d very much like to know is this; what’ll your master plan be then?’
And as she’s chatting, suddenly out of nowhere, a new and disconnected worry hits me square in the face. I sit bolt upright in the chair and just stare straight ahead, miles away.
‘What is it?’ Helen asks, sensing the shift in mood.
‘Just thought of something else. Oh shit, I can’t believe it never struck me before this.’
‘Come on, spit it out.’
‘Well … All along I’ve blithely assumed that I’d one day introduce Lily to Jake and that he’d automatically love and