The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten. Martha Sears

      Our daughter Erin seems destined to become a trial lawyer; she pleads her case with logic and emotion. It’s even harder to say no to her when she raises those eyelashes you could paint a house with. Eventually we learned to say no without discouraging Erin’s creative persistence. When Erin wanted a horse, we said no (we had too many dependents already). Erin persisted. By trial and error we had learned that any big wish in a child, no matter how ridiculous, merits hearing the child’s viewpoint. We listened attentively and empathetically while Erin presented her horse wish. We countered, “Erin, we understand why you want a horse. You could have a lot of fun riding and grooming a horse, and some of your friends have horses.” (We wanted Erin to feel we understood her side.) “But we have to say no; and we will not change our minds. Now let’s sit down and calmly work this out.” (Letting the child know her request is non-negotiable diffuses the child’s steam and saves you from getting worn down.) “You are not yet ready to care for a horse.” (We enumerated the responsibilities that went along with the fun of owning a horse.) “When you have finished another six months of lessons and you show us that you can be responsible for a horse, we’ll talk about it then.” Nine months later Tuny was added to our list of dependents. Erin got her horse and she learned two valuable lessons in life: how to delay gratification and that with privileges come responsibilities.

      As young parents with our first few children, we believed that smacking was appropriate in life-threatening situations, such as toddlers running out into the street. We reasoned it was necessary to make a lasting impression on mind and body to prevent the child from running into the street again. At the time we concluded that safety comes before psychology. But as we learned more about discipline, we realized there are better ways than smacking to handle even danger discipline. And we realized toddlers don’t remember from one time to the next, even with the “physical impression”. Here’s what worked for us:

      mothers who can’t say no

      In their zeal to give their children everything they need, some parents risk giving their children everything they want. Mothers who practise attachment parenting risk becoming totally “yes” mothers, with “no” being foreign to their parenting style.

      It is important for the mother to feel comfortable saying no to her little one from the very beginning. In fact, it begins when she teaches her newborn to latch on to the breast correctly. It is the mother’s first discipline situation – to show baby how to latch on properly so that he can get fed sufficiently and she can avoid sore nipples. (Some mothers cannot do this. They are afraid to be assertive for fear of causing baby to cry. They would rather let the baby do it wrong and put up with the pain.) She says no early on when she stops him from yanking her hair or biting her breast while feeding. By telling him to stop because it hurts her, she is beginning to teach boundaries. Serious no-saying comes with toddlerhood. Besides the literal word “no”, there are many ways to communicate that something is not safe or appropriate. Whether she says “Stop that” or “Put it down” or “Not safe”, or physically redirects her toddler’s activity, she is consistently and gently redirecting behaviour and teaching boundaries. Whatever the terminology, saying no is not a negative thing. It is a way of giving, and it takes a lot of effort. Mothers who can’t say no have a big problem on their hands down the line. They become the mums that we see getting yanked around like puppets by their preschoolers.

      When mothers begin saying no – confidently, firmly, and lovingly – at the appropriate times, it does not threaten the child. It might wrinkle him for a few minutes, because he doesn’t like hearing “Stop” or “Wait” or whatever the word might be that you pick. But he has had the foundation of attachment and he trusts the parent. Limit setting is not the big undoing that some think it might be, and mothers cannot wait until the pre-school years to start. It needs to happen very naturally, very confidently, and intuitively, and very early on.

      Danger “No”. When a toddler was in the driveway, Martha watched him like a hawk. If he ventured too close to the street, she put on her best tirade, shouting “Stop!! Street!!” and she grabbed him from the kerb and carried on and on, vocalizing her fear of his being in the street. She was not yelling at him or acting angry. She was expressing genuine fear, giving voice to that inner alarm that goes off in every mother’s heart when her child could be hurt. It was very important that he believe her, so she didn’t hold back. And it worked! He acquired a deep respect for the street and always looked for permission, knowing that Mum would take his hand and they would cross together. A few times Martha had to reinforce this healthy fear by issuing a loud warning sound. She saves this sound for times when an immediate response is needed for safety. This sound is hard to describe in writing, but it is a very sharp, forceful “Ahhh!” Once she had to use it from a distance of about two hundred feet at a park where Stephen had wandered off and was about to step into the street. To her intense relief, he stopped in his tracks and looked back at her, giving her time to get to him. She never uses it casually, and doesn’t use it often. Day-to-day, moment-by-moment situations need to be handled more normally.