‘Alex, please answer me, are you okay? Can you hear me? I’m not sure what happened to you.’
‘I, I’m, I’m a little …’ I hear a door close nearby. Sound becomes muffled.
‘It’s alright, I’m here, right beside you, sweetheart. Honestly, I won’t leave you.’ Something in his tone is mildly reassuring.
‘I can’t, I …’ Words still find it very difficult to follow the path from my brain to my lips. I take another sip of water. I hear another click around my waist and it sends me off. ‘I’m not going to be harnessed up in the air in some kinky sex machine, Jeremy.’
My voice is hoarse, frantic. ‘This needs to stop. How could you? With some man smelling of tobacco. I can’t believe you would ever put me in this situation. You can’t, I won’t.’
I feel tears welling up inside me and I swallow hard in an attempt to keep them there.
‘It’s too much, you have pushed me too far.’
‘Alex.’ Jeremy places his arm around my shoulders. ‘Is that what you’re thinking? What you thought I wanted you to do?’
Tears erupt and my shoulders shake. ‘I can’t, Jeremy, I won’t. I’m just not like that.’ I sob out the words.
‘Sweetheart, I’m not asking you to. This is meant to be fun for you, not something that makes you upset.’
‘How can it not, Jeremy? Look at me, I’m a mess.’
I hear engines roar into life, a propeller, movement.
‘What? We’re on a plane?’ I ask incredulously as the slow turning stops and we accelerate suddenly forwards. The force pushes my body back into the seat until suddenly we are swept off the ground and the atmosphere cradles the plane as it climbs higher and higher. My tears stop in their tracks. I throw Jeremy’s arm off my shoulder and swing my fist into where I assume his chest would be as hard as I possibly can.
‘You bastard,’ I screech. He catches my wrist just before full impact. ‘You absolute bastard!’ Holding my fist in his hand, he replaces his arm around my shoulder once again, anchoring me into the seat, knowing I am desperate to lash out toward him again. I can feel his body convulsing with silent laughter. I could explode as I struggle against him. His arms assert their strength and restrain me further.
‘Come on, AB, I can’t help it if you have a dirty mind. I thought we were just taking a plane ride and here you are, thinking about a kinky sex machine? You’ll have to share with me exactly what you had in mind …’
‘Oh, shut up, Jeremy, just shut up.’ He is in absolute hysterics, laughing uncontrollably. I snatch my arms away from him and fold them together defensively.
I don’t answer him. I am furious, deceived, embarrassed.
I can’t answer him, as I am honestly not sure of the answer myself. Where had the thought come from in the first place, why had my mind automatically leapt to that conclusion above all others? That has to be of concern.
As Jeremy is lost in wild hysterics, I take the opportunity to elbow him sharply in the ribs, causing him to choke on his laughter. This makes me feel a little better as I am seething from the inside out. I decide enough is enough with the glasses, the barriers covering my eyes, and desperately hope the potency of the drops has worn off. I quickly move my hand to peel the glasses off my face when just as quickly my hands are, yet again, snatched away from me. Is he ever not watching me?
‘Don’t you dare, Alex. We went through this last night and you know exactly what will happen.’ He pins both my wrists together in his one hand as if he is perfectly content to sit the rest of the journey this way. No remorse. No apology. I seethe in silence for what seems like ages.
His tone lightens again as he snuggles his face into my neck, the humour returning to his voice.
‘You must admit though, it is pretty funny.’
I can’t believe him.
‘There is absolutely nothing funny about it,’ I respond defiantly.
‘But did you honestly think … honestly believe …’ He begins to laugh again. The look on my face must be enough to make him stop short and compose himself. ‘Obviously you thought it was something really bad. I’ve never seen you react that way … you were trembling.’ He pauses, softens his tone. ‘It’s really important to understand how and why you are going through these emotions. It’s all part of the process. You’ll learn so much about yourself,’ Jeremy says more seriously.
Condescending prick is the only thought that enters my mind at his words, regardless of any potential truth in them.
‘Was it really that scary for you? Was the fear too much?’
‘I don’t want to do this any more, Jeremy. Please don’t make me. I can’t take it any more, I’ll have a heart attack.’
‘Then it is lucky for you I’m a doctor and I’ll save you. Besides, you are in perfect health.’
‘Perfect health means nothing under these conditions, and besides that, how on earth would you know?’
At this point, I feel a sudden gush of wind and am deafened by a forceful roar.
What now? I am being tugged and pulled again, clipped and checked.
‘You haven’t guessed yet?’ Jeremy is screaming into my ear above the blast of wind and engine noise. ‘We’re skydiving, just like we did on your twenty-fifth birthday! Remember, you tried to renege on that, too, but you loved it once you did it.’ Given the noise of the engines and the rush of air surrounding me, I know he isn’t joking. Relief, fear and excitement flow rapidly through my veins. I shake my head in disbelief.
‘I need to make sure you have enough adrenaline pumping through your system so you have energy for later!’ he shouts. There is both cheekiness and sincerity in his words.
‘Well, this ought to well and truly achieve that,’ I say nervously. ‘But blind …?’
‘All part of the process.’
I desperately grip hold of Jeremy, standing attached to me and try to brace myself within the plane as I scream toward his voice. ‘Just because I’ve skydived before,’ and loved it, I admit privately, ‘doesn’t mean I want to do it again, right now. Not like this!’
The pressure of his body intensifies, pushing me forward, and I know the moment to jump is near.
‘Okay Alexa. Three, two, one …’
I am flung into the air. We are tumbling, tumbling, tumbling as air penetrates every orifice of my face, snatching my breath from my lungs and causing my stomach to somersault. Suddenly, my arms and legs are forced by pressure to their extremities, coerced outwards. The noise of the wind quickly overtakes the continuing distancing of engines. All sounds of man-made engineering rapidly vanish as we fly free.
There is nothing quite like the experience of plunging out of a plane, full of hope and completely attached to the person pulling the strings. The force of oxygen pounding into my head overwhelms my entire body. My stomach immediately shifts to my throat as I plummet downwards, and I lose all sense of stability. Instead of lasting a second or two it keeps going and going as I eagerly anticipate the catch of an opening canopy, but it doesn’t and I continue to free fall. The descent takes forever as my stomach continues to flip and turn while my body spears through the nothingness of the atmosphere. How can it be nothing when it is forcing every muscle, every bit of skin, every cell back up against itself? Yet I continue to fall. The noise is huge and my ears could explode. For the first time, I’m thankful my eyes are sealed and covered as the pressure is so intense. I suddenly feel dampness surround me and shiver as I presume we fly through a cloud. We are still falling, falling. Finally my stomach adjusts and I allow myself to relax into the rush, the velocity, wholly and completely. It’s even better than