Bringing Metal To The Children: The Complete Berserker’s Guide to World Tour Domination. Rob Zombie

that the show must always go on. Nice job, Berzerker. In fact, if you chose “d” and just started reading this goddamn book, then you’re on the List.

      4. You’re in a band and you really want to make it in the music business. You are introduced to a guy, who knows a guy, whose guy knows a guy, who can help your band become successful. In order for him to help you out, he informs you that you have to make out with his three-hundred-pound sister in the backseat of a car. How do you respond?

      a. Simply tell him, “No, thanks, I love cock and balls. And I like it rough and unshaven.”

      b. Pound your beer, and then another, and then another, and then another, and then suck it up and make out with this big fat wildebeest mongoloid troll. The bigger the waistband, the deeper the quicksand. You know what I mean.

      c. Strike him in the throat with the blade of your hand, yelling out something that sounds Japanese but is actually not of any language at all.

      d. Tell him you have herpes, but your bass player will do it. You should also thank him for the wonderful sex with his mother. And ask him to thank her for the salad-tossing during the hand job; she really went the extra mile to make it a pleasant evening.

      

      Answers:

      a. 5 points. I find that claiming gayness gets me out of a lot of situations these days—like instead of telling my wife that I’m not in the mood for sex, I just tell her I’m gay.

      b. 5 points. This is exactly what I did. I took one for the band. Back when we were kids, this chick mounted me in the back of some beat-up car in the parking lot. If your back and ribs get crushed as much as mine did, give yourself another 5 points, since that’s all you’re gonna get is points. This in no way helped my career, nor my overall self-esteem or physical condition. As this chick sat on me trying to graze upon my face, I knew I had made a mistake, and that mistake resonated through every vertebra in my spine. To this day I still attribute the majority of my back pain not to power-lifting in the Doom Crew Iron Dungeon, but to this very unholy disaster of Titanic proportions. I should have just said I was gay.

      c. 0 points. This is a break-even, because while hitting anyone for offering you their own bloodline is fucked-up, the fact that you used old-school kung fu is awesome. So no points, but because you invoked the spirit of Bruce Lee I’m not going to fault you either. May the spirit of Saint Lee and jeet kune do always be with you.

      d. 10 points. This would have been the correct choice. It’s not what I chose, but I wish I had, just to have the nightmares in JD’s head and not in mine. Oh, the horror. But be sure to thank him for the wonderful sex with his mother.

      5. What is a Black Tooth Grin?

      a. After you go down on someone, it’s the smile you make when your teeth are full of pubes.

      b. A crackhead’s smirk.

      c. A cocktail.

      d. Any smile in Louisiana or that belongs to a Doom Crew member.

      

      Answers:

      a. -5 points. That’s disgusting. And how dare you talk about my wife like that.

      b. -5 points. That’s disgusting. And how dare you talk about my wife like that.

      c. 5 points. Nailed it. My Black Label brother Dime’s favorite drink was the Black Tooth Grin . . . A shot of Crown Royal topped off with a splash of Coke.

      d. -5 points. If you were thinking hillbilly here, you actually lose points. Go back to your Deliverance thoughts.

      6. You find yourself in the middle of a Black Label Society mosh pit. As you look around, you realize that there is no escape from the circling chaos that surrounds you. You decide to . . .

      a. Find the biggest, scariest motherfucker in the pit and punch him square in the face.

      b. Cry, panic, and scream.

      c. Stay in the mayhem and see how well you do.

      d. Pull out your cock and spin it around like a windmill until people clear out of your way.

      

      Answers:

      a. 10 points. This is exactly how I met and fell in love with my loving wife, Barbaranne. Now the only time I punch her square in the face is with my cock.

      b. -15 points. Stop acting like JD. He does enough of that for all of us.

      c. 20 points. There ya go! You’re in the pit and you haven’t done anything stupid. You may still get your ass kicked, but that’s okay, because you’re not afraid to take a few lumps of sugar with your tea.

      d. 0 points. I have no idea how to assign a score to what you’ve just done. I don’t know if I’m impressed or terrified.

      If you do want to see your scores up on the board, here ya go, from lowest to highest:

      

      -40 to 0 points . . . Level: JD—In other words, you’re worthless and weak.

      5 to 20 points . . . Level: Order of the Idiots

      25 to 45 points . . . Level: Black Label Brethren

      50 to 70 points . . . Level: Berzerker

      75 points . . . Level: Bea Arthur—Order of the Black Label Illuminati

      I didn’t realize Ozzy had a chick in his band. She’s not bad. She kind of looks like Pamela Anderson but not quite as breasty. Although I’m a tit guy, I’d still fuck this chick.

      Whenever Ozzy and I would do these photo shoots and the photographers would ask us to make screaming faces, the Boss would always say, “Look at this stupid shit. People must think we fucking sleep like this.”