The Eleven Comedies, Volume 1. Аристофан

the War broke out, I have never seen anchovies at a lower price!" All faces brightened at once and I was voted a chaplet for my good tidings; and I added, "With a couple of words I will reveal to you, how you can have quantities of anchovies for an obol; 'tis to seize on all the dishes the merchants have." With mouths gaping with admiration, they applauded me. However, the Paphlagonian winded the matter and, well knowing the sort of language which pleases the Senate best, said, "Friends, I am resolved to offer one hundred oxen to the goddess in recognition of this happy event." The Senate at once veered to his side. So when I saw myself defeated by this ox filth, I outbade the fellow, crying, "Two hundred!" And beyond this I moved, that a vow be made to Diana of a thousand goats if the next day anchovies should only be worth an obol a hundred. And the Senate looked towards me again. The other, stunned with the blow, grew delirious in his speech, and at last the Prytanes and the guards dragged him out. The Senators then stood talking noisily about the anchovies. Cleon, however, begged them to listen to the Lacedaemonian envoy, who had come to make proposals of peace; but all with one accord, cried, "'Tis certainly not the moment to think of peace now! If anchovies are so cheap, what need have we of peace? Let the war take its course!" And with loud shouts they demanded that the Prytanes should close the sitting and then leapt over the rails in all directions. As for me, I slipped away to buy all the coriander seed and leeks there were on the market and gave it to them gratis as seasoning for their anchovies. 'Twas marvellous! They loaded me with praises and caresses; thus I conquered the Senate with an obol's worth of leeks, and here I am.

      CHORUS. Bravo! you are the spoilt child of Fortune. Ah! our knave has found his match in another, who has far better tricks in his sack, a thousand kinds of knaveries and of wily words. But the fight begins afresh; take care not to weaken; you know that I have long been your most faithful ally.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! ah! here comes the Paphlagonian! One would say, 'twas a hurricane lashing the sea and rolling the waves before it in its fury. He looks as if he wanted to swallow me up alive! Ye gods! what an impudent knave!

      CLEON. To my aid, my beloved lies! I am going to destroy you, or my name is lost.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! how he diverts me with his threats! His bluster makes me laugh! And I dance the mothon for joy,83 and sing at the top of my voice, cuckoo!

      CLEON. Ah! by Demeter! if I do not kill and devour you, may I die!

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. If you do not devour me? and I, if I do not drink your blood to the last drop, and then burst with indigestion.

      CLEON. I, I will strangle you, I swear it by the precedence which Pylos gained me.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. By the precedence! Ah! might I see you fall from your precedence into the hindmost seat!

      CLEON. By heaven! I will put you to the torture.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. What a lively wit! Come, what's the best to give you to eat? What do you prefer? A purse?

      CLEON. I will tear out your inside with my nails.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I will cut off your victuals at the Prytaneum.

      CLEON. I will haul you before Demos, who will mete out justice to you.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I too will drag you before him and belch forth more calumnies than you.

      CLEON. Why, poor fool, he does not believe you, whereas I play with him at will.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. So that Demos is your property, your contemptible creature.

      CLEON. 'Tis because I know the dishes that please him.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. And these are little mouthfuls, which you serve to him like a clever nurse. You chew the pieces and place some in small quantities in his mouth, while you swallow three parts yourself.

      CLEON. Thanks to my skill, I know exactly how to enlarge or contract this gullet.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. I can do as much with my rump.

      CLEON. Hah! my friend, you tricked me at the Senate, but have a care! Let us go before Demos.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. That's easily done; come, let's along without delay.

      CLEON. Oh, Demos! Come, I adjure you to help me, my father!

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. Come, oh, my dear little Demos; come and see how I am insulted.

      DEMOS. What a hubbub! To the Devil with you, bawlers! alas! my olive branch, which they have torn down!84 Ah! 'tis you, Paphlagonian. And who, pray, has been maltreating you?

      CLEON. You are the cause of this man and these young people having covered me with blows.

      DEMOS. And why?

      CLEON Because you love me passionately, Demos.

      DEMOS. And you, who are you?

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. His rival. For many a long year have I loved you, have I wished to do you honour, I and a crowd of other men of means. But this rascal here has prevented us. You resemble those young men who do not know where to choose their lovers; you repulse honest folk; to earn your favours, one has to be a lamp-seller, a cobbler, a tanner or a currier.

      CLEON. I am the benefactor of the people.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. In what way, an it please you?

      CLEON. In what way? I supplanted the Generals at Pylos, I hurried thither and I brought back the Laconian captives.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I, whilst simply loitering, cleared off with a pot from a shop, which another fellow had been boiling.

      CLEON. Demos, convene the assembly at once to decide which of us two loves you best and most merits your favour.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. Yes, yes, provided it be not at the Pnyx.

      DEMOS. I could not sit elsewhere; 'tis at the Pnyx, that you must appear before me.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! great gods! I am undone! At home this old fellow is the most sensible of men, but the instant he is seated on those cursed stone seats,85 he is there with mouth agape as if he were hanging up figs by their stems to dry.

      CHORUS. Come, loose all sail. Be bold, skilful in attack and entangle him in arguments which admit of no reply. It is difficult to beat him, for he is full of craft and pulls himself out of the worst corners. Collect all your forces to come forth from this fight covered with glory, but take care! Let him not assume the attack, get ready your grapples and advance with your vessel to board him!

      CLEON. Oh! guardian goddess of our city! oh! Athené! if it be true that next to Lysicles, Cynna and Salabaccha86 none have done so much good for the Athenian people as I, suffer me to continue to be fed at the Prytaneum without working; but if I hate you, if I am not ready to fight in your defence alone and against all, may I perish, be sawn to bits alive and my skin be cut up into thongs.

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I, Demos, if it be not true, that I love and cherish you, may I be cooked in a stew; and if that is not saying enough, may I be grated on this table with some cheese and then hashed, may a hook be passed through my testicles and let me be dragged thus to the Ceramicus!87

      CLEON. Is it possible, Demos, to love you more than I do? And firstly, as long as you have governed with my consent, have I not filled your treasury, putting pressure on some, torturing others or begging of them, indifferent to the opinion of private individuals, and solely anxious to please you?

      SAUSAGE-SELLER. There is nothing so wonderful in all that, Demos; I will do as much; I will thieve the bread of others to serve up to you. No, he has neither love for you nor kindly feeling; his only care is to warm himself with your wood, and I will prove it. You, who, sword in hand, saved Attica from the Median yoke at Marathon; you, whose glorious triumphs we love to extol unceasingly, look, he cares little whether he sees you seated uncomfortably upon a stone; whereas I, I bring you this cushion, which I have sewn with my own hands. Rise and try this nice soft seat. Did you not put enough strain on your breeches at Salamis?88

      DEMOS.