A wife: – Darling, better tell me, until what hour I can surely count on?
***
– Excuse me, young man, can you tell me the time?
– I can, but roughly.
– Please, don’t torment…
– Wednesday, evening….
***
Internet dating.
– I saw your picture on the Internet, you look so beautiful. Let’s meet.
– No, I cannot, I am beautiful only pictured.
***
– Doctor, I had an early night yesterday, as you advised me, but still didn’t have enough sleep.
– Sounds strange, but why?
– I was thinking almost the whole night: What a good idea was it to have an early night to-day.
***
A frum Jewess bought a parrot and brought it home just to hear:
– Good day, my name is Sarrochka. I want to fuck.
Naturally, the lady fell unconscious and when she came around she ran to the rabbi for advice.
The rabbi said:
– Don’t worry, go to my friends who have two frum parrots that pray to God from morning till night – they will civilize your Sarrochka.
The lady did so. She went to the rabbi’s friends, told them the whole story and put the shmatte off the cage to hear again:
– Good day, my name is Sarrochka. I want to fuck.
Then one of the host parrots tells the other:
– Senya, at last, the Lord has heard our prayers.
***
– Why are you divorcing?
– She is not talking to me half a year already.
– Take your time and think twice. It’s not so easy to find such a wife.
***
– Surely, you can… if you want to..
A wife praised a husband as she caught him nodding on the girl next door.
***
A son asks his father:
– Dad, where the babies come from in the families?
– They are brought by the stork.
– You mean, that one with the long nose?
– Yup!
– The one that lives in the south?
– Well, of course!
– Then I saw him, he came to mom, when you had been away on business trip.
***
A man comes to his friend and finds him playing cards with his dog. Surprised, he asks the friend:
– Is your dog so wise that he plays poker?
– No, he is stupid, I invariably win, cause he always wags his tail if the biddable hand comes.
***
An old top asks a sales clerk un the store: – Do you have a swimming cap? – No. – And a hockey-stick? – No. – Then, skies? – No! This is actually a liquor shop… – OK, then, give me a bottle of vodka, – and silently to himself, – God is my witness, that I wanted to sport.
***
A boy went on to bicycle.
Soon he comes back home driving a fancy Mercedes!
The parents ask him surprisingly:
– Whose Benz is it?
– Mine. I bought it.
– Well, do you know its cost?
– Sure, I do! A lady from that villa stopped me in the street and told: “Hey, you are such a big boy but ride a two-wheeled so far. Buy a Benz from me for 50 rubles”. Well, I bought it.
Mom and Dad ran to that lady.
– You sold the Benz to our son for fifty rubles, didn’t you?
– I did, let him drive for his joy.
– But why? How come?
– You know, my husband told me that he would travel on business, but actually he flew to Canaries with his young office girl. He called me from there and told that he had overspent, so he asked me to urgently sell the car and to send him money. That’s exactly what I did!
***
A married couple comes to a store/
The wife says:
– Give me 10 kilos of red offals.
The surprised butcher asked:
– Why do you want so much?
The wife:
– It’s for the dog!
The husband:
– But we don’t have a dog.
The wife:
– Don’t yap!
***
Human brain is a unique device. It functions non-stop the whole day. Until you switch on TV set.
***
A young lady drove in her car to a repair shop.
A mechanic opens the moto hood and sees a message inside:
– She cannot handle the stick. I won’t pay for repairs. Her husband.
The mechanic closes the bonnet and says:
– Sorry, we cannot help you anyhow.
The surprised lady reacted:
– Very strange, but this is the seventh shop with no skilled technician….
***
A young Jew comes to a firm about to go bankrupt and applies for a job. He doesn’t ask for any salary and is ready to work for the moderate sale fee. The firm has nothing to lose and they employed him. In a week the firm’s proceeds from sales increased in dozens times. The CEO comes personally to see how the new employee works and sees the following:
– You need a hooklet… (the employee says to the client). And do you have an angling line?
– No.
– Then take this, it’s thicker… and do you prefer fishing rod or spinning reel?
– Fishing rod.
– Then take this, it’s the best one. But with this it’s better to angle from a boat. Do you have one?
– No.
– Now, I recommend this two-seat rubber boat.
– Good.
– Heigh, how you will carry all that, you need a good car trailer, multi-purpose, will this do?
– It will.
– What car will you fix it to?
– Mercedes 600.
– Come on, it’s not a car to go angling, you need a jeep, off-roader with full speed across country… and we have Land Cruiser, will you take it?
– I will.
– Your