The conductor started talking about the mechanics of braking. It was highly technical talk, and of no real interest or use to Riley or Bill. But Riley knew that it was best to let Stine just keep talking – for his own sake, if for no one else’s.
Meanwhile, Riley still found herself looking toward the door, wondering how Jenn was doing with the engineer.
Jenn stood next to the bed looking anxiously at Brock Putnam’s back as he stared silently at the wall.
Now that she was actually with the man, she found that she had no idea what to do or say next.
But from her research on the plane, she understood why he was incapable of looking at her or anyone else right now. He was traumatized by a single detail that often haunted “hoggers” who’d been through what he had just been through.
A few moments ago, the conductor had said that he and his assistant had only gotten a glimpse of the victim before she died.
But this man had gotten much more than a glimpse.
He’d seen something uniquely horrifying from his window in that cab – something that no innocent human being deserved to see.
Would it help for him to say it aloud?
I’m not a shrink, she reminded herself.
Even so, she felt more and more anxious to reach out to him.
Slowly and cautiously, Jenn said …
“I think I know what you saw,” she said. “You can talk to me about it if you like.”
After a pause, she added …
“But not if you don’t want to.”
A silence fell.
I guess he doesn’t want to, Jenn thought.
She almost got up to leave, but then the man said in a nearly inaudible whisper …
“I died back there.”
The words chilled Jenn to the bone.
Again, she wondered whether she had any business trying to do this.
She said nothing. She figured it was best to wait and see if he wanted to say more. She waited for many seconds, more than half-hoping the man would stay silent and she could leave quietly.
Then he said …
“I saw it happen. I was looking … in a mirror.”
He paused for a moment, then added …
“I saw myself die. So why … why am I here?”
Jenn gulped hard.
Yes, what had happened to him was exactly the sort of thing she’d read about on the plane. Hundreds of people died on railroad tracks every year. And all too often, the engineers endured an unimaginably horrifying moment.
They made eye contact with the person who was about to die.
The exact same thing had happened to Brock Putman. The reason he couldn’t make eye contact with anyone else was that it made him relive that moment all over again. And his identification with the poor woman was eating him up inside. He was trying to cope by denying that anyone else had been killed. Guiltily, he was trying to convince himself that he – and only he – was dead.
Jenn spoke even more cautiously than before.
“You didn’t die. You weren’t looking in a mirror. Someone else died. And it wasn’t your fault. There was no way on earth you could stop it from happening. You know that – even if you have trouble accepting it. It wasn’t your fault.”
The man still faced away from her. But a sob escaped from his throat.
Jenn was momentarily alarmed. Had she just pushed him over some kind of edge?
No, she thought.
She had a gut feeling that this was good, that it was necessary.
The man’s shoulders shook slightly as his quiet sobbing continued.
Jenn touched him on the shoulder.
She said, “Brock, could you do something for me? I just want you to look at me.”
His shoulders stopped shaking, and his sobbing ebbed away.
Then, very slowly, he turned around on his bed and looked at Jenn.
His bright blue eyes were wide and pleading and brimming with tears – and they were gazing straight into Jenn’s own eyes.
Jenn had to fight back her own tears.
As blunt, brusque, and sometimes even tactless as she normally was, it dawned on her that she’d never had this kind of interaction with anybody before, at least not professionally.
She swallowed hard, then said, “You’re not looking into a mirror right now. You’re looking at me. You’re looking into my eyes. And you’re alive. You’ve got every right to be alive.”
Brock Putnam opened his mouth to speak, but no words came.
Instead, he nodded.
Jenn almost gasped with relief.
I did it, she thought. I drew him out.
Then she said, “But you deserve something more. You deserve to find out who did this terrible thing – not just to that poor woman, but to you. And you deserve justice. You deserve to know that he’ll never do anything like this again. I promise – you’ll get justice. I’ll make sure of it.”
He nodded again, with just a trace of a smile.
She smiled and said, “Now let’s get out of here. You’ve got two pals out there who are worried about you. Let’s go see them.”
She got up from the cot, and so did Brock. They walked outside the cell, where Chief Powell was still waiting. Powell looked astonished at the change in Putnam’s demeanor and behavior. They all walked back to the interview room and headed on inside. Riley, Bill, and Cullen were still there, and so were the two conductors.
Stine and Boynton sat gaping for a moment, then got up and exchanged emotional hugs with Brock Putnam. They all sat down at the table together and started talking quietly.
Jenn looked at the railroad deputy chief sternly and said, “Light a fire under somebody’s ass and get that railroad psychologist down here ASAP.”
Then, turning to the local police chief, she said, “Go get this man a cup of coffee.”
Powell nodded mutely and left the room.
Riley took Jenn aside and asked quietly, “Do you think he’ll ever be able to get back to work?”
Jenn thought for a moment and said, “I doubt it.”
Riley nodded and said, “He’ll probably be struggling for the rest of his life. It’s a horrible thing to have to live with.”
Riley smiled and added, “But you did some good work just now.”
Jenn felt flooded with warmth at Riley’s praise.
She remembered back to how her day had started – how her communication with Aunt Cora had left her feeling inadequate and unworthy.
Maybe I’m of some use after all, she thought.
After all, she’d always known that empathy was a quality she lacked and needed to cultivate. And now at last, she seemed to have taken at least a few steps toward being a more empathetic agent.
She also felt energized by the promise she’d just made to Brock Putnam:
“I promise – you’ll get justice. I’ll make sure of it.”
She was glad she’d said it. Now she was committed to it.
I won’t let him down, she thought.
Meanwhile, the two conductors and the engineer continued to talk quietly, commiserating about the awful experience they had all endured, but which