You'll see that the aspects and qualities of mindfulness – awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance, focus and engagement, beginner's mind, letting go and being non-judgemental – are both a separate theme with their own pages and principles that appear throughout this book. Each time you apply these principles, each time you apply an aspect of mindfulness, you are learning how to relate more directly to your life.
Whether you need tips, techniques, ideas and suggestions or just a simple quote to inspire you, this book will help. Keep it in your bag or your pocket to inspire you whenever or wherever mindfulness can help slow things down, provide perspective and a sense of calm control in the moment and moments of your life.
Creating a mindfulness habit
‘Habit is a cable; we weave a thread each day, and at last we cannot break it.’ – Horace Mann
It isn't necessary to be mindful in all your waking hours, but unless you make a concerted effort to be mindful on a daily basis it's easy to get distracted by myriad things that divert your attention through the day.
Occasional attempts at ‘being in the moment’ or to ‘notice the little things more’ and ‘live in the now’ are well meaning, but distractions and preoccupations take over and resolutions to be more mindful fall by the wayside.
What to do? You need to make mindfulness a habit, something that you do on a regular basis until it becomes your normal, everyday practice.
Your mind is able to do this!
Establishing new ways of thinking and doing is not difficult, provided the new ways are constantly repeated. How come? When you think or do something in a new way, you create new connections, or neural pathways, in your brain. Then, every time you repeat that thought or action, every time you continue using these new pathways, they become stronger and more established.
It's like walking through a field of long grass, each step helps to create a new path and every time you walk that new path you establish a clear route which becomes easier to use each time. It becomes a habit to use that route.
Since your distracted and preoccupied mind isn't going to remind you to be mindful, you need something else to remind you.
‘The hard must become habit. The habit must become easy. The easy must become beautiful.’ – Doug Henning
Set a timer on your phone (with a soothing tone) to remind you to be mindful at random times of your day. A ‘Mindfulness Bell’ app is useful here. It rings periodically during the day to give you the opportunity to pause for a moment and consider where you are, what you are doing and what you are thinking.
Put a note on your bathroom mirror saying: ‘Be mindful.’
Decide to do things differently to experience different results. Write them on self-sticking notes and place them on the wall above your desk or on the fridge to remind you to do things differently.
Make a mindfulness date with yourself, a time in your day when you do something specifically devoted to mindfulness. It could be taking a short walk, eating a quiet meal or drinking a cup of tea.
Commit to being mindful every time you open a door. When you open a door, drop what's in your mind (you can pick it up again shortly) and, instead, watch your hand push the door or grasp the doorknob. Open the door with purpose and patience. Feel its weight and whether it opens easily. Take in the new scene that's revealed. Smell the air and notice any change in temperature of the outside space or room you are entering. Listen to the sound of the space you've just left, give way to the room or space you've just entered.
It's a small commitment, maybe five seconds at a time, a handful of times a day.
Just be sure that when you open a door, you open the door. You're going to do it anyway. Make it an opportunity to be present.
Bringing Out Your Confidence
‘It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.’ – Denis Waitley
Do you feel that life would improve for you if you had more self-confidence?
When faced with a new challenge or opportunity, are you filled with self-doubt? Do you say to yourself, ‘I'll never be able to do this’ or ‘I'm not good enough’ or ‘I can't’?
Self-confidence is not about what you can or can't do: it's what you believe you can or can't do.
If, in the past, you've failed or not coped well with a particular situation, you may well believe that you will fail or struggle the next time. You won't feel confident about doing it again.
And if you've now got something you have to do, something new you've never done before, you may believe you won't be able to do it. You won't feel confident about your ability to do it. So if you lack self-confidence, you'll avoid taking risks and stretching yourself and will probably not try at all.
You'll talk yourself out of it with negative self-talk, telling yourself that you can't or won't be able to do something. You will make yourself believe that you can't do certain things. (Negative self-talk also knocks your self-esteem, making you feel bad about yourself.)
Instead of letting past experience or future possibilities paralyse you, mindfulness can help you be aware of these judgemental thoughts and how unhelpful they are.
‘Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence and face your future without fear.’ – Unknown
Get yourself into a positive mindset. Remind yourself of the things that you do well, activities where you feel a sense of control, no fear of failure or feeling of self-consciousness. You know what you're doing and where you're heading: you feel confident in your abilities.
When you find yourself basing your beliefs about your abilities on what happened in the past, start again. Take a ‘beginner's mind’ approach: put the past judgements and conclusions aside and, instead, think about what you've learnt from these experiences. You can't change what happened last time you did something, but you can change what happens next time. Identify new insights that could help you do things differently next time.
Make a plan. If you're faced with a new challenge or situation, something you've never done before, think through what steps you can take to manage potential difficulties.
Know that when you stop giving the situation any more unhelpful thoughts – thoughts based on the past and the future – you will have taken the first step towards moving ahead with confidence.
Use mindfulness to catch yourself when you think, ‘I can't do this.’ There's no need to judge yourself for having unhelpful thoughts. Just notice and make a different choice. Choose to think, ‘I can do this. I've thought it through. I have a plan.’
Carrying Yourself with Confidence
‘I speak two languages. Body and English.’ – Mae West
Do you remember the last time you had an interview or important meeting or had to give a presentation? The last time you went to a party where you hardly knew anyone there? A time when you had to stand up to someone else?
Were you aware of your body language: your posture, facial expressions and gestures?
Perhaps your mind was too preoccupied with what to do, what to say and how to say it to think about body language. Or perhaps, you may have been overly conscious, too aware of what message your body language may have been sending to other people.
But