What's more, a funny thing happens when we join a group. We start to behave just like everyone else and follow the group ‘norm’.
Even when there's nobody in the group called Norm.
One of the most famous experiments showing how easily we conform to unwritten group rules was conducted by Solomon Asch of Rutgers University in New Jersey. He asked participants to sit amongst a group of strangers and judge the length of queues that were being formed in front of them. What he didn't tell them was that all the other people had been instructed to lie when asked which was the longest queue. Sure enough, 75 % of participants denied all the evidence from their own senses and instead conformed to the group view.
A similar experiment run by psychology professor Philip Zimbardo of Stanford University wasn't quite so successful. His idea was to place young men in a simulated prison environment with some assuming the role of prisoners whilst others played the part of guards complete with riot gear. Despite being a psychologist, he clearly hadn't thought through the consequences of the experiment and the likely long-term effects on the mental health of the participants.
To summarize, he recruited clean-cut young men as volunteers, none of whom had any kind of criminal record and who all rated ‘normal’ on psychological tests; and he randomly assigned half of them to play the role of prisoners and the other half to play guards. His plan was that he would step back for two weeks and observe how these model citizens interacted with each other in their new roles.
What happened next has become the stuff of legend.
Social conditions in the mock prison deteriorated with stunning rapidity. On the first night the prisoners staged a revolt and the guards, feeling threatened by the insubordination of the prisoners, cracked down hard. They began devising creative ways to discipline the prisoners, using methods such as random strip-searches, curtailed bathroom privileges, verbal abuse, sleep deprivation and the withholding of food.
Not surprisingly, many of the prisoners began to crack. It was clear that for everyone involved the new roles had quickly become more than just a game. Even Zimbardo himself felt seduced by the corrosive psychology of the situation. He began entertaining paranoid fears that his prisoners were planning a break-out, and he tried to contact the real police for help. Luckily, at this point Zimbardo realized things had gone too far.
After less than a week the experiment had to be scrapped when some of the ‘prisoners’ were becoming too submissive and some of the guards a little too zealous when meting out discipline. The prisoners were relieved; but tellingly, the guards were upset. They had been quite enjoying their new-found power and had no desire to give it up. Needless to say, the emotional fallout from the experiment outweighed any positive conclusions. In fact, I think some ‘prisoners’ are still on the roof protesting.
Only joking.
So if you want to join a group and become its leader, the first thing to do is conform. Then, when you feel trust has been gained, it's safe to start to show the way. And if you decide to start a group outside of work, don't forget to invite me. Because just like everyone else, I hate to be left out.
Today, people connect on LinkedIn and socialize on Twitter and Facebook partly to satisfy this need to be part of a group. The popularity of social media websites serves to underline this basic need in us all. Not just to share embarrassing pictures with the rest of the world, but rather to ‘belong’. Outside of cyberspace, fans flock to football grounds to support their team in a show of unity. Even Brian, from Monty Python's ‘Life of Brian’, had his devoted followers whose overwhelming need to belong saw them follow him everywhere. Even though it turned out he wasn't the Messiah after all, just a very naughty boy.
There are seven psychological ‘drivers’ for us all. They are what make us ‘tick’. Throughout the book we will explore these drivers and how, by understanding them, we can improve our relationships with the people around us, communicate better and get our own way more often. I have asked people all around the world ‘What is most important thing in your life?’ The answer is almost always ‘My family’. And that is why the first three – and most important drivers – are to be loved, to be important and to have a sense of belonging.
But these are what drive all successful relationships – whether at work or with your friends. The word ‘love’ can mean so many things but often what it means in this context is that we want to feel that someone truly cares about us. It's why you need to show you are truly interested in the other person. And the word ‘important’ does not mean that you want to be the top dog. Rather, it means that people want to feel like what they are doing matters. That their contribution is valued.
In Greek mythology the greedy and deceptive Sisyphus was condemned to an eternity of hard labour. His task was to roll a great boulder to the top of a hill, but every time Sisyphus – after the greatest of exertion – reached the summit, the boulder rolled back down again and he had to repeat the task. It was the futility of it that took its toll. The exact opposite of the job having importance and mattering to someone was what really made Sisyphus suffer for his many crimes.
And Zimbardo's experiment in a simulated prison environment shows how quickly both the ‘prisoners’ and the ‘guards’ became part of a group. They started to behave as they did because their uniform told them they were part of a group. And they behaved like they thought other members of the group would behave.
We'll look more at these seven psychological ‘drivers’ throughout the book and show how, by understanding what makes us ‘tick’, we can not only be more persuasive and influential, but happier too.
So here are the top three drivers:
• We all want to be loved.
• We all want to feel important.
• We all have a deep-seated need to ‘belong’.
Nat Lambert of Brigham Young University in Utah explored the implications of ‘belonging’ in an experiment where he asked participants to close their eyes and think of two groups to which they really belonged. Then they were asked about how much meaning they felt life had. The results were compared with those of two other groups where the participants were asked to think about something else. In one, they were asked to think about the value of other people, and in the other, the help that others had provided them.
The results showed that the participants who had been thinking about the groups they belonged to felt the highest levels of meaning in life. Proof that belonging to a group provides meaning over and above the value of others or the help they can provide.
But why is this? Well, it's more than just bonding. It seems that people who really feel like they fit in with others report the highest levels of ‘meaningfulness’ in their lives. I guess this is why the followers of some religious sects often seem like they have been brainwashed. A deep-seated and unshakeable belief in something often manifests itself in the strangest behaviour.
Think Tom Cruise jumping up and down on a chat show sofa.
Now stop.
Here's the really interesting bit:
People who feel that life is meaningful are more likely to be in good physical and psychological health. And – you guessed it – people who feel that life is not so meaningful are more likely to suffer depression and illness.
So it seems that there's a lot to be said for adopting a positive mental attitude, finding a real meaning in it all and socializing more.
And if you believe that, then you are much more likely to find true meaning in life because the need to believe is the fourth of the seven psychological drivers.
Indeed, success is most often achieved by those who just don't believe in failure.
Those words of wisdom came from none other than the stylishly elegant and fabulously chic Coco.
Not Coco the clown, of course, but the French fashion designer, Miss Coco Chanel. Her affirmation that anything is possible if you believe in it is a view shared by many a successful business entrepreneur.
But