“I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until I finally became that person.”
So, if you want to enhance your interpersonal communication, learning how to read other people’s body language and being able to control the signs and signals that your gestures, posture, and facial expressions transmit is vital. Restated: If relationships matter to you, if you want to know what people are thinking, and if you want to determine how people perceive you, learn about body language. The more conscious you are of unspoken messages, the better equipped you will be to build relationships, anticipate reactions, and adapt your behaviour according to the environment.
Learning how body language works and how you can perfect yours takes commitment. To test your level of interest, start by asking yourself the following questions:
• Am I willing to accept that my posture, movements, and facial expressions have an effect on others?
• Am I willing to understand that my mood affects my behaviour and other people’s reactions to me?
• Do I want to communicate with authenticity, clarity, and confidence?
• Am I willing to practise?
If you answered “Yes” to any or all of these questions, read on. Even if you responded “No”, the fact that you’ve gotten this far indicates that you’re interested enough in non-verbal behaviour to persevere. Who knows? By practising the suggestions I share with you, you could become an expert at conveying and interpreting the unspoken messages behind the spoken word.
Recognizing and Interpreting Physical Signs and Signals Takes Practice
Throughout this book you will discover the meanings behind postures, movements, gestures, and facial expressions. You will learn how to decipher lies and demonstrate courting behaviour. You will learn both how to clarify your messages as well as camouflage what you’d rather not reveal. Before going any further, remember to approach the study of body language with respect and responsibility.
• Consider the context. Counting on one gesture to convey an entire meaning is about as sensible as counting on one word to tell an entire story.
• Avoid commenting on what you observe. Unless someone asks for feedback on his/her behaviour, keep your observations to yourself. Making negative comments about what you notice could lead to unfortunate consequences.
“ Read the signs. Reflect on what they mean. React appropriately. ”
Look For Clusters of Gestures Before Making a Declaration of Meaning or Intent
If someone says “I love you” with a cleaver-like frown line between the eyes, clenched fists, a curled lip, and flared nostrils, you might want to run away as fast as possible. If, however, the nostrils are flared while the mouth is partially open with a smile playing at the lips, the hands are open with the palms facing you, and the eyes are moist, you’d be right in recognizing the signs of sexual interest.
When you say “I’ve never been happier” with dull eyes and slumped shoulders, don’t be surprised if your listener asks you, “What’s wrong?” There’s no point in getting angry or denying that your words are saying one thing while your non-verbal behaviours are communicating something else.
“I’ve never been happier” – who do you believe?
What’s In It For Me?
At this point, you might still be wondering why you should concern yourself with learning how to read other people’s body language. You might be deliberating the importance of identifying different types of gestures, postures, and expressions. You might even be questioning the benefit of adapting your behaviour to suit the moment. If that’s the case, consider the following scenarios.
Perhaps you want to know how your boss feels about your current performance, or are curious about what your partner is thinking. Perhaps you want to impress a potential employer or reject a possible suitor. When you observe and interpret other people’s body language, you gain access to their state of mind. The more you know what others are thinking and how they’re feeling, the more you will be able to choose how to react towards them.
“ If you want to create positive and productive relationships, being adept at reading the signs and adapting your behaviour is your gateway to success. ”
In addition, if you want to communicate your feelings without speaking, letting your body do the talking is the way to go. For example, you and your colleague can agree that when either of you puts an index finger by the side of their nose that means “stop talking”. You can set up a series of signals that indicate the time has come to leave the room. You can suggest your interest in someone through the way you look at them, without committing yourself verbally in case the interest isn’t reciprocated. Your body language can speak for you.
THE YODA SYSTEM
Years ago, one of my teachers suggested the following system for transmitting, reading, and responding to non-verbal communication. She named it YODA, as in the Jedi Master. If you’re serious about learning how to read and respond to others’ body language, and if you want to enhance your ability to communicate effectively through your movements and facial expressions, this method is a good one to follow.
You
• Accept responsibility for the impact of your non-verbal behaviours.
• Accept that your feelings, moods, and emotions impact on the signals you emit and those that you, in turn, receive.
Observe
• Practise conscious observation.
• Increase the amount of detail you observe.
Decode
• Identify other people’s physical behaviours.
• Choose your best response.
Adapt
• Adapt your behaviours to convey your intended messages.
• Adapt your responses to other people’s signals.
You can apply this system whenever you want to interpret and respond to others’ non-verbal behaviours. In addition, the structure offers you the opportunity to identify your own behaviours and the impact they might have.
Where To Begin?
In order to make this book relevant to your daily life, I have structured the content around specific scenarios. This way you can flip to the section that is relevant for you without having to search through material that may not be germane to your needs. Each section identifies detailed actions that you can expect to encounter and provides you with examples of effective behaviours you can adopt in response. In addition, at the end of each chapter you will find exercises designed to enhance your ability to communicate through the use of your gestures, movements, and facial expressions.
If you want to improve your ability to read other people’s feelings and intentions, or develop your ability to reveal – or conceal – your own, you’ll find the answers here. In a nutshell, the purpose of this book is to help you recognize the power of body language and turn you into a top-notch communicator.
Now, turn to a section that interests you and start reading.
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What Your Body Language Says About