2. Secondary communication – when people assume or deduce something that you didn't intend from what you say.
Secondary communication is what happens outside the actual words you say – from the impression you create to the multiple interpretations your words are open to.
Let's say you tell somebody that you're paying for a friend to go on holiday. You may assume that they'll think you're a generous person, but the real secondary communication might be that the listener gains a negative impression of your friends. They may think you have friends who survive on handouts: not at all what you intended your communication to achieve.
Many communication problems come back to the “communication gap”; the difference between what you mean when you say something to someone and the meaning they take away.
So why would this be any different? Why would there be a communication gap? Language is really the expression of how you feel about something. Emotions are generated when you have thoughts or experience things in the outside world. You then put together words to express those emotions and say what it is you want, think or need, etc. This all happens at a subconscious level, without the need to think about every word you are going to say.
The gap comes about because different people use different phrases and words to explain their internal or emotional experiences. When you describe something to another person using specific words and phrases, those words and phrases might be different from how they themselves would describe that exact same experience. That means that no one else is likely to fully experience or process the language you use in exactly the same way as you.
Add to this the fact that no one thinks exactly like you do. We've all had different experiences and see the world and our place in it differently. We have varying beliefs and values. Your communication is based upon things that have happened, things that are happening or things that you want to happen in life. There is always internal processing and it is this that varies from person to person.
Imagine a car pulls out in front of you when you are driving down the road. Before you say anything to your passenger, your mind processes the event by considering:
➨ Your values – what you consider important in life.
➨ Your beliefs – what you believe people should and shouldn't do when driving and how people should and shouldn't treat each other.
➨ Your previous experiences of driving and similar situations.
➨ Your assumptions and expectations or thinking about what could have happened in that situation. After processing all of this on a subconscious level, there are a range of possible comments you may make to your passenger in response.
Your reaction will probably be different to theirs had they been driving. The same external event produces a different response with different language attached to it.
Words mean different things to different people and vary in different situations.
If I say “I've had a fantastic holiday”, for example, that doesn't necessarily mean you'll have a fantastic holiday too, just by going to the same place and doing the same things as me. You will have an entirely different set of criteria for what constitutes “fantastic” in respect of a holiday. Likewise, think about the word outspoken. For some people it's a compliment, implying frankness and honesty. For others, it implies criticism.
It's all about how you process different experiences. Your experiences cause you to use certain words and phrases but you can never be sure that the person you are talking to shares your experiences. That's why there is always a communication gap.
We Notice Different Things
Why is it that two people can witness the same event but come up with completely different interpretations? According to Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), when you experience something in the outside world, your mind selectively siphons down the information it is bombarded with, to between five and nine things that it can pay attention to at any one time. The things you siphon off will be different to those that other people do.
We tend to notice the things that are most relevant to us or reflect our worldview. That's why two people can go to the same event and have a very different experience: they notice different things in the same environment. Let's say Person A is scared to be at a football match because there may be tension in the crowd. Due to his preconceptions about the event, he is more likely to notice people who are frowning. Person B goes to the same match expecting people to be relaxed and friendly. He is more likely to notice smiles and laughter. The same event, but a completely different experience.
If you've ever bought a car, you may have had this experience. After you select the make, model and colour you want, you'll rarely, if ever, see that exact car on the road. Your brain doesn't think that things you want are relevant to you. When you eventually get the car though, you start to see similar ones everywhere! Either the universe has decided to put a load more out there just to frustrate you or they were always there and you just weren't seeing them. So what has changed? Now that you've got the car your mind sees similar ones as highly relevant, so they show up in the “five to nine things” your consciousness is currently processing.
We are all unique. We see the world differently even when presented with the same external stimulus. No wonder so many of us feel unsure about starting conversations. Communication is a minefield, but your future opportunities, success and happiness depend on your interaction with other people – and that's where this book comes in.
You can use the content to develop your communication skills in all sorts of situations, whether you want to expand your social life, be that confident person who can strike up a conversation with anyone, or get better at selling or networking. Whatever it is, you'll find strategies, ideas and techniques in this book to help you talk to absolutely anyone!
PART ONE
Common Fears and Barriers about Talking to Absolutely Anyone
1
Fear – Does It Hold You Back?
Like most people, you'll have experienced situations where you've held back from saying certain things or starting conversations. It can happen with people you know well and with people you don't. Some of this is due to a lack of skillset – simply not knowing how to start or handle a conversation. But there's another factor that holds many people back and that's fear. Perhaps you don't label it “fear”. Perhaps you call it “uncertainty”, or maybe you pass the moment off because it “just doesn't seem right”. However you justify it though, it is one or another form of fear that is presenting itself and stopping you.
It could be the worry about what other people might think. It may be concern about looking stupid or making a mistake. Or it could be fear of rejection. After all, you're not holding back because you're worried people will accept you with open arms, are you?
So what is fear and what can you do to change the “fear feeling” and get to a point where you're comfortable taking action?
Fear is an emotional reaction to a situation you are in or thinking about. Your thoughts about the situation dictate how you feel or the emotions you experience, and that determines the action you take (or don't take). In turn, the quality of the action you take determines the result you get, which feeds back into the thoughts you associate with the situation in future.
For example, you're likely to feel good about a meeting if you're excited about the information you're going to share. Enthusiasm means you are likely to perform very well and get a good result. Next time a similar meeting comes up you're going to be very positive about it because of past results.
Of course the same is true of the things you fear. When you think about something going badly you don't feel great about the situation and are unlikely to perform to the best of your abilities.
Remember this important formula: