Bentley's Miscellany, Volume II. Various

the Capt.) Con. you're up to snuff!

      Capt.– Come, one more round of jacky, and we part, —

      I, to the peerless lady of my heart

      In Stamford-street; – to Knightsbridge barrack you;

      And mind don't split that I was out at Kew.

(They take each another johnny, shake hands, and separate. The scene closes.)

Scene III

      A drawing-room; doors in the flat; one opening into Miss Juliana Smashaway's boudoir, and the other to her bed-chamber. She is discovered standing at the window in a pensive attitude. She sighs heavily, and rubs her temples with "eau de Cologne."

      Miss S.– He comes not – half-past four! Ah, fickle Connor!

      Is this thy plighted faith, and thrice-pledged honour?

      Was it for this, I waived a grocer's hand,

      And twice refused a counter in the Strand,

      Sent back an offer from a Tenth Hussar,

      And without warning left Soho bazaar,

      Rejected Griskin, that rich man of mutton;

      Shy'd Lincoln Stanhope, and cut Manners Sutton?

(Sudden noise. Voices without.)

      1st voice.– Fare's sixteen-pence, and with one bob I'm shamm'd! Fork out the four-pence!

      2nd voice. First I'd see you d – d!

(Door opens. Clipclose rushes in, and embraces Miss Smashaway.)

      Miss S. (with considerable spirit.) – Unhand me, fellow! Whence this bold intrusion?

      I think I'll faint, I feel in such confusion.

Duet —Clipclose and Miss S.– ("Pray Goody.")

Mr. C

      Oh, come, Juliana, lay aside your anger and surprise;

      One trifling kiss you'll scarcely miss, you know.

      I saw a ready pardon seal'd already in your eyes,

      Else, 'pon my soul! I scarce had ventur'd so.

Miss S

      True, sir; but you, sir,

      Should recollect what's due, sir,

      To one so young and innocent

Mr. C

As pretty Missus Ju –

Oh, come, Miss S. do lay aside your anger and surprise;

      A trifling kiss you'll scarcely miss, you know.

      I saw a ready pardon seal'd already in your eyes,

      Else, 'pon my soul! I had not ventur'd so.

(Cab stops suddenly at the door. Miss S. looks out alarmed. Loud knocking. Alarum.)

      Miss S.– Lost – lost for ever!

      Mr. C. Pray, madam, what's the matter?

      Miss S.– Heard ye no broadsword on the pavement clatter?

      Mr. C.– A broadsword! Zounds! My teeth begin to chatter!

      Miss S.– Where shall I hide him? – (Opens the chamber door.) – In, sir, or you 're dead.

      Mr. C.– Can nothing save me?

      Miss S. Creep beneath the bed.

(Door opens. Mags peeps in.)

      Mags.– She's quite alone. Oh, happy Matthew Mags!

(Maid-servant enters.)

      Maid.– A chap's below who says he's Samuel Snags.

      Mags.– I'm a done man; for that 'ere cove will blow me.

      Miss S.– Follow me in, and I will safely stow ye.

(Enter Snags.)

      Snags.– Divine Miss Smashaway, I humbly kneel

      To plead a passion you can never feel;

      A smile will save, a frown as surely kill,

      One who for you has robb'd his master's till.

      Miss S.– Well, after that the man deserves some pity. —

      Knocking again! and here comes my maid Kitty.

(Enter Maid.)

      Maid.– One Mr. Poppleton.

      Miss S. Was ever one so courted?

      Snags.– All's up with me; for life I'll be transported!

      Ma'am, could you save a lover?

      Miss S. Let me see.

      Oh, yes; the bed will surely cover three.

(Puts Snags into bed-chamber. Enter Poppleton.)

      Pop.– Where is my charmer?

(Enter Maid, hastily.)

      Maid (to Pop.) Sir, you're dead as mutton;

      The Captain's come. Your life's not worth a button.

      Pop.– Where shall I hide?

      Miss S. (to the Maid.) Put him with t'other three;

      They're the same firm, "Clipclose and company."

(A heavy footstep is heard, and a sword strikes against the stairs. Enter the Captain, whistling "Darby Kelly.")

      Miss S. (flies into his arms.) – My own loved Guardsman, and my fancy beau.

      Oh, Terence Connor! (Kissing him.)

      Capt. (embracing her.) – Sweet Juliana, O!

      Miss S.– Why did you dally, dearest; tell me all?

      Were you on guard?

      Capt. Yes, sweetest, at Whitehall.

      Miss S.– Ah, you false man, – (taps his cheek playfully,) – I'll watch you close.

(Somebody sneezes within.)

      Capt. What's that?

      Miss S.– Nothing, dear Terence, but the landlord's cat.

(Somebody coughs twice.)

      Capt.– A cough! – another! Do cats cough so, my fair?

      Ha! her cheeks redden! Tell me who is there?

      That guilty look! Zounds! If my fears be true,

      He'll curse the hour he dared to visit you!

(Draws his sword, and rushes into the bed-chamber. Miss S. faints. Voices within.)

      Capt.– A man! – my eyes! another! – and another!

      A fourth one still!

      Snags. I'm dead with fright!

      Pop. I smother!

(Capt. drives them before him into the drawing-room.)

      Capt. (in a frenzy.) – Why, hell and Tommy! the maid whom I adore

      To prove untrue, and play me false with four!

      But all shall die!

(Captain Connor cuts No. 6. with his sword, while Clipclose and company fall upon their knees.)

      Mags. Oh, Lord! I'm dead already!

      Capt.– Prepare for death!

      Snags and Pop. Indeed, sir, we an't ready.

      Mr. C.– Probably, sir, affection for my wife

      Might plead my pardon, and reprieve my life.

(Enter, hastily, Mrs. Clipclose and Annette.)

      Mrs. C.– Why, what's all this? What do my eyes discover?

      An