«Like what?»
«Like when a mother leaves her kid, when people decide to inject heroin into their veins knowing that it’s the beginning of the end. When a person has everything: money, fame, looks, a yacht… mmm… and somehow becomes a drug addict. When one person cries and another laughs. When everyone looks for shelter from the rain and one person starts to dance. Lots of things that can’t be explained. Why things are one way and not the other.»
«What about even bigger issues? What’s our planet for, and for whom? Why do those little balls float in space, and what is space? And if the planets are going to fall, where does it all end? What are they going to crash into?»
David furrowed his brow thoughtfully,
«What if we’re just falling, and nothing ever ends?»
«I think it’s better not to ask questions, especially if you’re not sure you’ll ever get an answer to them.»
«Have you ever fallen in love?»
«No. You?»
«I had a thing.»
«A serious thing?
«More like… an encounter. We were two horny teenagers.» He chuckled.
«You still love her.»
«Why do you say that?»
«I can see it in your eyes.»
«Really?» A smile spread across on his face.
«Yep.»
«We were in the same grade. She had a tough relationship with her father; he made fun of her, and I think he went to jail for attempted assault. Basically, we had things in common, liked to get drunk… I was such a moron!»
«But you still love her.» I smiled.
«No I don’t.»
«That wasn’t a question.»
«There’s no arguing with you.» He got out a cigarette and a lighter. «I was a moron who didn’t value much, and destroyed much more.»
Dave glanced at me:
«Okay if I smoke?»
«Sure. What didn’t you value?»
«Life. Look at me.» He looked steadily into my eyes.
«…what?»
«No no! Look at me for real.» He stood in front of me and his arms fell to his sides. «Look closer. What do you see?»
«You mean who?»
«Well, yeah. So who am I?»
I looked closer at the dark circles under his eyes, at the bruises on his cheek and neck, at the scars on his arms and… into those insanely kind but resentful eyes.
«People’s eyes always give them away.»
«So who am I?»
«You-re like a… uh…» I smiled hesitantly, «a little dog, I guess. A little dog who’s been hurt.»
«A dog?» A smile appeared on his face.
«I don’t know, you just reminded me of a dog. They have those exact same eyes: kind but hurt.»
«I’m… a dog.» Dave laughed and puffed his cigarette in the other direction, «Never met anyone like you.»
«And you never will,» I said. «Did you ever think that things would turn out this way?»
«You mean my life?»
«M-hm.»
«I guess there wasn’t ever any time to think. It all happened so fast. And… of course, back then, a minute felt like an eternity. Anyway, none of that matters. The main thing is I’m here right now, and…» he looked at me, «and you’re here too. All those fears are behind me.»
«Stop it.» I smiled and nudged him gently in the side.
Our discussion continued in the kitchen.
«What kind of fears?»
«Fear of silence, of loneliness. There was one time when Lee moved to Los Angeles to find work for us, and I stayed in Boston, in a one-night shelter for homeless people. We were able to trick our way into staying there for a week, but people got wise and kicked us around. But that’s beside the point. It was already late at night, and it was really cold. I had a temperature, plus I’d had a few extra smokes. I was alone in a small room with seven empty beds. It was there, in that silence, that it hit me how totally alone I was. And I already assumed that Lee wouldn’t come back, because we weren’t exactly on great terms at the time. I was always getting into fights, landing in jail.»
«And into piles of shit,» grumbled Lee sleepily, getting up from the couch and giving us a wave before heading to the bathroom.
«And it was there, in that little room, that I began to pray. For the first time in my life, I turned to God. I didn’t breathe for about ten seconds, and then it felt like God gave me another chance. I took a deep breath…»
«Maybe this time don’t let that chance pass you by, moron!» Lee shouted from the bathroom.
«He doesn’t always get me,» David whispered.
«And did you use your second chance?»
«It’s hard to answer that question.»
Lee joined us for breakfast.
«Coffee?» I asked.
«Yes, please.»
They jabbed each other in the side and immediately sat up straight when I looked over.
«What’s the plan today?»
«Dunno. How about you guys?»
David’s phone rang and he quickly left the apartment. Not the room, the apartment.
«Are there no napkins?» Lee asked.
«Ran out of them yesterday.»
«Know what I had a dream about?» he said contemplatively.
«What?»
«That everything was ok.»
«What’s that supposed to mean?»
«Basically, I don’t really remember my dream. But something good was going on.»
I smiled and poured myself some more coffee.
«Like coffee?»
«I love it.»
David came back and burst out in the doorway:
«I gotta go: it’s urgent! I’ll call you when I’m free. Connie, thank you so much, everything was perfect,» he kissed me just above my forehead, slapped Lee hard on the back, and ran out.
Lee’s gaze followed him.
«He’s a dick, for sure. But do you know what always impressed me about him? He never, ever gives up. Takes things through to the end. You wouldn’t believe what that, uh, entrepreneur of ours has gone through.»
I slid hot pancakes onto Lee’s plate.
«In school he got into a fight during every break. As a punishment, his foster father used to whip him on the back with a belt. We tried to run away twice. But our timing was off. And anyway, one day Dave decided it’d be hard on his foster parents. He was feeling guilty about it. But guilt didn’t play a big part in our lives,» Lee laughed, «we completely forgot about that for a couple years! Especially when we started living independently. Dave got into a big fight with two guys. One of them died, and David was charged with murder. He went to jail during the investigation. Of course, by then his foster parents had heard about everything. But enough time had gone by that they didn’t press him to come home. Plus, he had a bad relationship with his foster father because of the daughter.»
«Did they defend him in court?»
«Not exactly.