Perverted Proverbs: A Manual of Immorals for the Many. Graham Harry

as a rule!

      Be Virtuous and Life will pass

      Like one long term of Sunday-School.

      (No prospect, truly, could one find

      More unalluring to the mind.)

      You may imagine that it pays

      To practise Goodness. Not a bit!

      You cease receiving any praise

      When people have got used to it;

      'Tis generally understood

      You find it easy to be good.

      The Model Child has got to keep

      His fingers and his garments white;

      In church he may not go to sleep,

      Nor ask to stop up late at night.

      In fact he must not ever do

      A single thing he wishes to.

      He may not paddle in his boots,

      Like naughty children, at the Sea;

      The sweetness of Forbidden Fruits

      Is not, alas! for such as he.

      He watches, with pathetic eyes,

      His weaker brethren make mud-pies.

      He must not answer back, oh no!

      However rude grown-ups may be,

      But keep politely silent, tho'

      He brim with scathing repartee;

      For nothing is considered worse

      Than scoring off Mamma or Nurse.

      He must not eat too much at meals,

      Nor scatter crumbs upon the floor;

      However vacuous he feels,

      He may not pass his plate for more;

      – Not tho' his ev'ry organ ache

      For further slabs of Christmas cake.

      He is enjoined to choose his food

      From what is easy to digest;

      A choice which in itself is good,

      But never what he likes the best.

      (At times how madly he must wish

      For just one real unwholesome dish!)

      And, when the wretched urchin plays

      With other little girls and boys,

      He has to show unselfish ways

      By giving them his choicest toys;

      His ears he lets them freely box,

      Or pull his lubricated locks.

      His face is always being washed,

      His hair perpetually brushed,

      And thus his brighter side is squashed,

      His human instincts warped and crushed;

      Small wonder that his early years

      Are filled with "thoughts too deep for tears."

      He is commanded not to waste

      The fleeting hours of childhood's days

      By giving way to any taste

      For circuses or matinées;

      For him the entertainments planned

      Are "Lectures on the Holy Land."

      He never reads a story book

      By Rider H. or Winston C.,

      In vain upon his desk you'd look

      For tales by Richard Harding D.;