I nod and watch him take the bench opposite with Molly, whose ginger hair matches the color of the flames.
The soup tastes absolutely delicious. The heat from the bowl and the fire, along with the fresh, healthy food, rejuvenates me. I feel like I’m coming back from the dead, not just physically but psychologically too. For years I’ve been in battle mode. For years I’ve felt completely alone. But now I have people around me, people who will fight beside me. And it’s the greatest feeling in the world.
I look over at Bree and Charlie laughing happily, as carefree as Trixie had been when I met her earlier. Finally they’re getting to be children. But Ben is a different matter altogether. He seems even more withdrawn.
“Ben,” I say cautiously. “Is everything okay?”
He looks at me slowly, a little dazed. “It’s just being around all these people,” he says. “It’s a bit overwhelming.”
I know it’s more than that, but I don’t want to push him to speak when he doesn’t want to.
Everyone finishes their soup.
“I think you kids should be heading home now,” I say to Bree and Charlie. They both look exhausted, like they’re fighting to stay awake so they can be part of the festivities.
Bree pouts. “Can’t we stay up a little longer?”
I shake my head. ”It’s been a long day. Ben will take you home.”
Ben looks over at me and frowns, like he thinks I’m trying to get rid of him, when really I just want him to get a good night’s sleep and rejuvenate. But he doesn’t argue; he just stands, as though hypnotized, and leads Charlie and Bree back home.
I watch them go. But as soon as I’m alone, I feel suddenly out of place surrounded by the other guards, all laughing and joking easily. For me, smiles come rarely. The past constantly lingers in my mind like a storm cloud, only parting occasionally to let in a ray of sunshine. None of these people have the same darkness inside of them. I should be feeling peaceful and happy right now, but I can’t. I can’t just see the crazy attack as a one-off to be forgotten, because for me it was just the latest battle in my long, never-ending fight against the world we live in. And while we won that particular fight, somewhere in the world, another group of children loses.
Ryan must notice my change in mood, because he comes over and extends his hand to me.
“Come on,” he says.
“Where are we going?” I reply, looking at his outstretched hand.
“For a walk.” He beckons, urging me on. “Come on,” he presses.
I don’t feel like I have much choice but to take his hand and let him guide me to my feet.
We walk. It’s pitch black and the stars are twinkling above us as we stroll away from the light of the fire and out into the compound.
“Brooke, I know that you think the way the fort works isn’t fair,” he begins.
“What makes you say that?” I reply. “I understand why it has to work this way. I just don’t think that it’s enough for me.”
“What do you mean?” he asks.
I pause, trying to gather my thoughts in such a way that I can articulate them. “I mean I have to do more,” I begin, carefully. “I can’t live with myself knowing others are out there dying. I need to do something. I can’t be part of a place that doesn’t do more to help people. It would make me a hypocrite.”
“Does that mean you want to leave?” he asks, frowning.
I turn my face, unsure myself what I really want. It’s true that I’ve started to question whether I’ve made the right call by coming here. Can I really sit back, after everything I’ve witnessed, and live out my life in peace, knowing that there’s a thousand more Roses out there who need saving, a hundred more Flos trapped in the arenas, a dozen more Logans who have been forced into policing a city they loathe? But at the same time, how could I force my friends and my sister back out into that world? I couldn’t. If I left, I would have to go alone. And that would mean leaving them behind.
Ryan gently touches my arm. Warmth radiates from the place where his fingertips touch me. “I don’t want you to leave, Brooke,” he says. “Will you stay? For me?”
I move my arm away, a little startled by the contact, by the intensity of what he’s asking me.
“I can’t promise that,” I say, not meeting his eye. But I know it’s not enough, that I owe him more of an explanation. I take a breath then turn to meet his gaze. “Bree and I survived in the mountains for years. So did Ben and his brother. There are thousands more kids out there who don’t have anyone to help them. There are so many more survivors.”
“And you think it’s our responsibility to be out there looking for them?” he challenges me.
“Don’t you?” I say, my tone becoming more heated. “Don’t you think we ought to help the innocent survivors of the war?”
I sigh, frustrated by the fact that Ryan and the rest of the people at Fort Noix have no idea at all what the real world is like now. It’s not their fault that they’ve been completely protected from it all, but I can’t help but feel the sting of injustice. That one random crazy attack can shake them to the core when for me, it’s an everyday occurrence.
Ryan gives me a steely look. “I understand why you’re angry. And trust me, you’re not the only one who thinks that way. It’s a controversial topic around here. But the Commander is an isolationist. It’s what he fundamentally believes. It’s kept us all alive so far, so why would he ever change it?”
He sighs when he sees that I’m still frowning.
“We do what we can, Brooke. We found you, didn’t we? We took you in.”
“That’s not enough,” I contest. “Four kids and a dog, when there’s thousands out there. There are girls being kidnapped for the sex trade. There are kids fighting to the death for the entertainment of others. You’re an army, trained fighters. You could make a difference.”
His mouth twists to the side in consternation. I can tell that my words are getting to him. But at the same time, I know he’s not going to change his mind. And why would he? Fort Noix is paradise for all who live within it. No one wants to rock the boat, or risk losing it all. Fighting off a bunch of crazies is one thing – willingly seeking them out is quite another.
Ryan lowers his voice and looks around cautiously, as if debating whether to tell me something.
“There are people who want to help others outside Fort Noix,” he says. “There’s actually a group who meet to discuss it.”
“There is?” I say, relieved to hear that.
He nods.
“Zeke and Molly are among them. But you have to keep it quiet. The only way the Commander can keep the peace is by maintaining everything exactly as it is.”
I understand the need for secrecy, but I’m intrigued and want to know more.
“So what’s their plan?” I ask. “What do they propose to do? Bring survivors back to Fort Noix?”
Ryan shrugs.
“I don’t know. They’re not rebelling or anything like that. They’re just trying to build their numbers in order to persuade the Commander that it’s what people want. If there’s enough, he might listen.”
“Do you think that will work?” I add. “Is he the sort of man who can be persuaded?”
He shrugs.
“It hasn’t worked so far,” Ryan replies.
I think about my meeting with the Commander earlier in the day. He’d been hard-line about us not joining Fort Noix, but I’d managed to convince him to change his mind. About Penelope too. There’s leeway in him, definitely.
“I’d