Crystal Garden. Evelina Bash

at me. Then she nodded to me or to herself, I don’t know, and left the room.

      On Monday, we went to Albert. He was one of those experts adored by the adults and believed to help their children. Well, well. Children did not like Albert. Teens too. I was lying on the couch in his office. He sat next to me in his chair and made some notes in a large notebook. I do not know why people think that lying on the couch helps to reveal your soul to some stranger whom you do not even sympathize. I was lying there examining the picture on the opposite wall. It depicted a summer meadow and a little girl playing with a big shepherd dog.

      “Walter,” he said. “You are going through the difficult period, but soon it will end.”

      “Are you sure?” I thought.

      “If you shrink into yourself it will be more difficult for you to go through all that. Open to us, share your feelings, and together we will decide what to do next. We all knew Robert, he was a good friend to many and your loss – is our loss.”

      Robert. No one called him Robert. Our loss. Who the hell are you to tell me about him? Thoughts raced through my head, but I was silent.

      “Death chooses not only the old and sick…”

      Oh, really.

      “Sometimes it takes young and healthy, but God works in mysterious ways…”

      C’mon and God is here, yeah.

      “We have to believe that there, in heaven, he is all right…”

      Are you a psychoanalyst or a priest?

      “He’s gone, but we continue to live, we must not give way to grief…”

      And you try.

      “We must find the strength to move on…”

      Blah, blah, blah. He talked a lot, he appealed to my senses, then to my reason, and then just tried to ask some questions, but I only answered yes or no. I heard that after the session he told my mother that he was able to get talking the kids, which were far more troubled, and advised to discuss with me what was going on.

      It made little sense. Annoying questions only angered me more. I continued to attend therapy sessions, but still did not want to talk to Albert. I did not want to talk to anybody, I wanted everyone to leave me alone. I already knew everything they said trying to express their sympathy. I knew that Sunny is gone and I must somehow live on. I knew that someday I’d probably get used to this thought. I had nothing to share with my mother, who suddenly remembered that she has me. Moreover, I had nothing to share with Albert, who knew nothing about such troubled teenagers as me. Gradually, the hideous monsters, which fought my beautiful Amazon, have become more like Albert and my parents.

      7

      In early May, one of my classmates, Alex, was having his birthday party.

      I had normal relationships with my classmates. I was not an outcast or some nerd, I was not an object of jokes or bullying. We just kept a respectful distance, and it was my conscious choice. I never really strived to be a part of the company. It was enough for me to stay connected with only one person – with Sunny. But now, without him, my world became too empty. There were the times when I did not talk to anybody for days, and now I madly wanted to communicate with someone. So madly, that I went to that party.

      Alex lived in a big and a beautiful house just a few blocks from my parents’ house, but our house was nothing compared to his. The doors were wide open and I heard the music and laughter. At first, nobody noticed as I walked in and stood in the doorway hesitating, but soon all eyes were on me. Some of them surprised, some absolutely indifferent, but some looked at me even with sympathy. Sunny’s death was a shock for everyone, though not that great as it was for me. Two girls ran up at me and began vying with each other offering me beer or some cocktail with vodka.

      I don’t remember what my choice was, but I became drunk pretty quickly. I was sitting in a chair staring blankly at the girls dancing in front of me. In one hand, I held a cigarette, in the other was a glass of something alcoholic. I felt weird. My head was spinning. I inhaled, and the room disappeared in the fog. Suddenly I found myself on the steps of the ruined gothic church. Large flakes of snow were falling from the night sky. My lonely footprints were lost somewhere in dark thicket of old trees.

      “Walter…” Someone whispered in my ear, I turned around, but saw no one. “Walte-er…”

      The picture became fuzzy, and I was back in the room. Some girl sat on my lap smiling.

      “Hey, where are you?” She asked.

      I looked at her and said nothing. She reminded me of the Cheshire Cat from “Alice in Wonderland” when he disappeared and remained only his smile. That’s what I saw now – a smile, but there was no girl.

      “Welcome back to the real world,” she tapped me on the cheeks.

      But I could argue with this statement for the vision of the gothic church was much more real.

      The next time I came around, I was in a midst of some Latino dance with another girl. Everybody crowded around us and applauded; enthusiastic cheers and whistles were heard from all sides. It seemed I was on top. I never suspected that know how to dance. It was even funny.

      But then I saw Anna.

      She was standing at the other end of the room and looked at me. Her face reflected a mixture of astonishment, bewilderment and some sort of resentment. Our eyes met. She turned around and left the room. I stopped right in the middle of the next step and ran after her, trying to keep my balance.

      Never in my life was I so drunk as that night.

      I went out into the street. The smell of blooming chestnut trees hit into my nose. I looked around and saw her. Anna was walking away, wrapped in a sweater as if it was cold. I went after her. My legs did not obey me, and I constantly ran into some poles and trees coming from nowhere. But I didn’t care, just a few steps away there was the girl of my dreams.

      “Who do we have here?” I caught up with her and tried to put my arm around her waist.

      Anna took off my arm. I lost my balance and fell. She sighed and helped me to stand up.

      “Yes, that’s what I am, a pig,” I said trying to walk by her side. “I guess I had too much tonight. Why you don’t say anything?”

      There was no answer, so I went on.

      “Look! The whole world is having fun today!”

      And the world really was having fun. Moths were swarming in the light of lanterns, like little elves that Sunny and I were searching for in childhood. Stars danced in the sky to the sound of harmonious chirring of crickets. Looking at the sky, I stumbled and almost fell, but managed to grab hold of a lamppost. Continuing to embrace the post, I began to sing some kind of children’s song. If I could I would certainly dance. Anna stopped and looked at me wearily.