‘Zoe…’ Ellie breathed out. She felt distraught for her sister, but underneath a bubble of anger was beginning to brew.
‘It’s fine. I’m not with him now.’ She tried to laugh, but it came out strained.
‘So you got an abortion?’
‘I’m not proud of my decision and I regret it every single day. But I just couldn’t bring a baby into that. I was worried sick that he would hurt the baby and then I would be the worst mum in the world because I couldn’t stop it happening.’
‘Oh Zoe, why didn’t you tell me?’
She shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. I didn’t want anyone else to know. I was ashamed of being so weak to let things get to that stage.’
‘It’s not weak, Zoe. For Christ sake, it’s him who should be feeling shitty, not you!’ She felt the anger building. ‘Who was he?’
‘It doesn’t matter –’
‘It does bloody matter; he deserves to be in prison for what he did.’ Her voice was shaky, but controlled. For now.
‘Ellie, it doesn’t matter. It was years ago and I’m okay. He can’t hurt me any more; I’m a different person to who I was back then. I’m stronger.’
‘When was it?’ She shuffled in her seat, still making sure she held Zoe’s hand, not letting go of her. She never wanted to let go of her. She should have been here for her when it happened and she didn’t think she could ever forgive herself for not.
‘Not long after Mum died.’
Ellie gasped, feeling the tears spring to her eyes.
‘I wasn’t coping very well and he came along and was so charming. I think he could sense that I was weak. He said all the right things I needed to hear and I let my guard down. It took me about six months to realise that I was in too deep and had become reliant on him. He knew it too. So he started to get heavy-handed if I didn’t do what he wanted and it just went downhill.’
‘Oh God, Zoe. Why didn’t you tell me, or Dad? He would’ve gone mad.’
‘That’s exactly why I didn’t tell him. But then I found out I was pregnant and that night we had an argument and he pushed me and I fell down the stairs.’
‘Oh my God, when you broke your arm!’ It was a statement rather than a question. Ellie remembered when Zoe came to visit and she had her arm in a cast. ‘You said you fell down the stairs.’
‘And I did. I just… had a little help.’ She looked down into her lap, clearly ashamed. ‘Ellie, I couldn’t bring a baby into that.’
‘I know. You did the right thing.’ She rubbed her thumb over Zoe’s hand.
‘Didn’t feel like the right thing.’
‘I can’t believe you went through all that on your own.’
‘I didn’t want anyone to see how stupid I had been.’ She coughed and composed herself, ‘Listen, all I’m saying is that you need to think long and hard before doing anything stupid. Because what you decide now will affect you for the rest of your life. Whatever you decide, just make sure it’s the right decision for you.’
‘Is that what you think we would’ve thought? That you had been stupid? Zoe, you are a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them.’
‘I got myself into that situation, didn’t I? That was stupid.’
‘No, that was grief. It does fucked-up things to your mind. I should know – it royally fucked up mine.’ She felt a glimmer of relief that she now knew she wasn’t the only one to have let it get to her, though. When she thought Zoe was handling life perfectly well, underneath she was crumbling too. And as horrible as that was, it was comforting to know.
‘I can’t blame grief for my poor mistakes.’
‘Yes you bloody can. Zoe, you are not a machine – you cannot programme yourself to just erase things. You are human.’
‘Yes, but you have to take responsibility for your actions in life and that relationship was one bad decision after another – it was as if I was possessed. I could see myself spiralling further into despair, but I felt powerless to do anything about it. Until it was too late.’ She looked into her lap, ashamed.
‘Honey, you are allowed to make mistakes. It’s okay. Feel free to take the baton from me for a bit – I’m in my overdraft from the Bank of Mistakes!’ The girls both laughed and it helped to lighten the air. Ellie smiled. It was the first time in her whole life that she had seen that her big sister was not the perfect human being she had made her out to be. Whilst that was clearly a hard concept for her sister to deal with, it did make Ellie feel closer to her. As though a barrier had lifted out of the way – they weren’t so different after all.
All too quickly, though, their conversation drifted back to Ellie and the latest mistake she had made. After hearing her sister’s story, she knew that she couldn’t get rid of this baby. Deep down she never wanted to anyway.
‘I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get rid of the baby – I don’t know that that was even what I was thinking – but I am terrified. I can’t be a mum. I can barely look after myself!’ She huffed and put her head in her hands. ‘How would you deal with this situation?’ Even though she knew her sister was no longer perfect, she was more perfect than Ellie would ever be.
‘You know what I would do first?’ Ellie’s phone began to ring just as Zoe opened her mouth to speak. Both girls looked at the phone flashing on the coffee table with the one name Ellie didn’t want to see. Zoe pointed at it. ‘That. That is what I would do first.’ She stood up and squeezed Ellie’s knee. ‘Come on, you need to talk to him. He deserves to know.’ Zoe stood to leave, but Ellie sprung up and pulled her in for a hug. She squeezed her so tight.
‘I am so sorry you had to go through all that without me, Zoe. I promise I will always be here for you. No matter what.’
Zoe squeezed her back and then pulled away, looking Ellie in the eyes. ‘I know you will. Now do the right thing.’ She squeezed Ellie’s shoulder and left the living room, closing the door so she could give Ellie the privacy she needed to get this phone call out of the way.
Ellie picked up her mobile and took a shaky intake of breath before pressing the answer key. ‘Hi Chris.’
‘About bloody time! Where the hell have you been?’
‘Sorry, things are just a bit manic at the moment. I’m at my sister’s. Needed a break.’ Her heart was racing so fast. She took another sip of coffee to calm her nerves.
‘At your sister’s? In Shropshire? When did that happen?’
‘Friday.’
Chris paused. ‘So why do you need a break. Surely work isn’t going that badly?’
‘No, work was fine. Is fine,’ she corrected quickly. ‘I just, have some stuff going on and I needed some time to, you know, sort my head.’
‘Have you stopped being weird with me now?’ He laughed and Ellie felt a surge of affection for him. She missed him.
‘I wasn’t being weird.’ This conversation was probably one of the most awkward conversations they had ever had. She was avoiding the big elephant in the room and she needed to tell him. Thing is, the words just weren’t coming out. She physically couldn’t say the one thing she so desperately needed to say. Before she knew it, she blurted out, ‘Can we meet?’
‘Meet up? In Shropshire? I can’t come all that way today, Els, I have an early start tomorrow and a million meetings planned.’
‘Right…’ Disappointment dripped from that one word and Chris obviously picked up on it.
‘Is