Stephen himself is immediately intriguing – he definitely leans into the trope of the good man who has done bad things, but that isn’t necessarily a problem in itself. There is scope to do a lot with him. And the world of the story feels alive without you having deluged the reader with detail – I read a lot of fantasy and there is nothing more likely to make me put a book down than fifty pages of description of geography and family trees and complex systems of government before I even know who the main character is.
My suggestions for things for you to consider are as follows (I am aware that you may already have plans for some or all of them as the story progresses, but you asked for feedback on what is there right now):
The opening is excellently atmospheric and creepy, and I’m assuming it will serve as both a dream and a flash-forward to Stephen’s search for Mary Cooper. It’s a device I like, although it raises a problem: unless you intend to show us more of these prophetic dream moments, having only one might appear like cheating, as though you don’t have quite enough confidence to pull readers into the story without leaping ahead to an out-of-context moment of drama.
I don’t know whether you intend to flashback and show us the campaign Stephen fought in the Borderlands – if you do, then I would think very carefully about structure. It can get extremely complicated if you make the decision to have a main narrative plus flashbacks and dream-sequence flashforwards. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it, just that you will need to be very careful if you do.
And that’s all I have right now. If you write more, I’d be happy to read it. Sorry if that was more criticism than you wanted, but I wouldn’t have bothered if I didn’t think this was a story worth continuing. It’s good, and I have no doubt you’ll make it better.
Best of luck with it. Peace.
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[-] breakerbreaker1989 0 points 8 minutes ago
Thank you. That’s given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and to give it so much thought. It’s fucking cool of you.
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[-] creativewritinggrad 0 points 4 minutes ago
No problem at all. Keep at it.
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[-] roofing_contractor_indiana 0 points 19 minutes ago
Srsly tho. Tolkien sucks fucking donkey balls.
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[-] creativewritinggrad 4 points 3 minutes ago
Something’s been eating at me for the last half an hour or so. The dream sequence (?) opening reminded me of something, and I’ve been trying to place it. And I think I’ve got it. Did you ever read any Slender Man fic?
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March 16th
Journal entry 3
I can’t believe Lauren didn’t pick up on that.
You wouldn’t really think it to look at her, and most of her friends would be absolutely shocked to hear it, but creepypasta and nosleep and all that sort of stuff is totally her thing.
I know about Slender Man. I remember when it was massive, when there were new photoshops on reddit and somethingawful pretty much every day, when loads of people were writing really average stories about him and arguing about what he was and what he could do. I watched Marble Hornets, for fuck’s sake.
I don’t think that’s what I was thinking about when I wrote that section. To be honest, I don’t even really know what the thing in the forest was going to turn out to be, I just knew there needed to be something in there that Stephen would have to confront if he wanted to get Mary Cooper back. I think that’s why I left it so vague, so I would have time to think of something good by the time I actually got to that bit.
But I can see what the guy who commented is talking about. The thin, spindly shape in the dark, the missing teenage girl, something that almost seemed to be a shadow until it moved.
I’m not sure whether I should change it or not. I don’t know if I’ll actually ever show it to anyone else, despite Lauren getting on my case to do so, but if I do I don’t want them thinking I’m writing some cheap Slender Man fanfic. Although – to be fair – if I do show it to Professor Trevayne I really don’t think it’s a reference he’s likely to pick up on …
I mean, everything comes from somewhere else. Nobody is immune to influences, even if they don’t know they’re being influenced. Everyone steals cool bits from other things, and then steal even more without knowing they’re doing it. But this was the first thing I’d written in a while that I was even a little bit happy with, and I don’t like the thought of anyone thinking I ripped it off from some fucking online forum.
I don’t know. I’ll sleep on it.
I’m sure it will be clearer in the morning.
— — — —
JAMIE
Did you hear?
MATT
About what?
JAMIE
Jesus. How can you not know? Our class group has gone fucking crazy.
MATT
I quit that group. Too annoying.
JAMIE
You need to get back in. Right now. I’ll invite you.
MATT
Why? What’s so urgent?
JAMIE
It’s Lauren.
| Steve Allison | |
| Holy shit. This is crazy. None of you are even going to believe this. | 06:03 |
| Amy Linares | |
| How come you’re even awake, Steve? | 06:05 |
| Steve Allison | |
| My mom just woke me up.Lauren’s missing. | 06:05 |
| Amy Linares | |
| What??? | 06:06 |
| Elle Solomon | |
| What do you mean missing? | 06:06 |
| Steve Allison | |
| I don’t know. She didn’t come home last night or she went out in the middle of the night. The point is she’s not there. | 06:07 |