Legend of the Peeing briton. Павел Тюрин. Читать онлайн. Newlib. NEWLIB.NET

Автор: Павел Тюрин
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Жанр произведения: Иностранные языки
Год издания: 2014
isbn: 978-5-00071-403-4
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I cannot find her

      But when I do, we’ll get a brand new start

      (Не won’t find her! It is not in their stars to meet again! They are going to part ways!)

      I’m in love with a fairytale,

      Even though it hurts

      (But the feeling of the first love doesn’t cease in his heart and everyone hurts with him)

      ‘Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind

      I’m already cursed

      (He is cursed by his fate and his Barbie, but he does not care anymore)

      In the Opera[41]

      Who could have predicted that the masters of the opera genre would grasp the plot of the ‘Legend of a Briton’ so soon?! As we of course know the dramatic value of the opera is not only reflected in the libretto, but in the music, too. Those who worked on the opera had to face an incredible challenge of reflecting with the imagery the platitude, the longitude and the depth of his soul’s influence on the souls of the world. Opera is ‘a drama expressed in music’; it is not some silly little play with shrieks and kicks. Thus the story of Blockhead’s one-sided love suits it in the best way possible.

      Several of the world’s theatres are rehearsing the performance simultaneously, but with different libretti, written by various composers. Some groups are preparing performances in classical Italian style; others are developing versions of the opera buffa of the particularly astute comic nature. Many prominent opera singers fought for the right to sing the protagonist’s part. The most famous and the most brilliant singers (such as Nikolay Vaskov) competed with others perhaps less popular but also talented (such as José Domingo and Placido Carreras among others).

      For Pre-school and Primary School Children[42]

      The contemporary Barbies are rather tired now of Ken’s image and they prefer the image of the manly Briton. ‘Out of the mouth of Briton hast thou ordained strength’ – children whispered. The time of the new heroes has come, and so a group of initiative parents who are not indifferent to their children’s problems obtained support of the methodists from the Republic’s DMES[43] (department of Ministry of Education and Science) who were asked to address the directors of the puppet theatres.

      They asked to ensure that the idol of their children would be included in the new season’s productions. The puppeteers heard the parents’ plea and thought of a serial puppet show. Currently several children’s writers are working on creating a version of the Blockhead’s adventures in the wonderful land on the Amber Sea.

      Our youth has indeed organised itself spontaneously in support of courageous Richie. Particularly active were anime lovers as they became famous for their demonstration of extravagant hairstyles, alternative behaviour, and infantile conduct. Sometimes even punks and freaks[44] show up in their meetings who are unconventional in all they do. These were bold and reckless personalities who didn’t give a damn if others thought them idiots. They can’t stand the culture that represses their impulses.

      As soon as the Riga events of the 11 November 2006 became well known, they were thought a manifestation of the commencing struggle for liberation of the humankind from the tortures by culture. Their views have soon developed from the cult of the Japanese anime heroes to the Blockhead worship, which symbolises eternal freedom.

      They started to gather on the corner of Kr.Valdemara street and Raina prospect at the PB bar that is now called ‘Preses Bārs’ (PB); thus hinting on their connection to the ‘Peeing British’. When their movement was at the embryo stage the anime lovers were fearful of the government repressions. So they chose that place to mask their preferences and let the authorities believe that the bar served as a gathering place for the future members of the prestigious and mercenary journalistic field.

      From time to time they host targeted discussions with the freaks (talk-shows or, more precisely, fuck-shows) whether to merge with the Blockhead movement and if so, how to keep expressing themselves independently. The question is not easy and remains open, besides the mutual understanding of their meetings is always exposed. Perhaps, this is due to the fact that lovingly they call their cafée факейница.[45] Today they do not need to hide and these young PBers are counting on their unit to be accepted into the Big Club and become its youth branch.

      The children make their own clothes from the colourful fabric scraps, and shock the surroundings. They perfect their sewing talents by making funny hats, chapeaus, and costumes for the Bruxelloi Jules. They send them to their Belgian friends from the ‘The Friends of Manneken-Pis’ who change the ‘wet boy’ several times a week. They have now made and sent about a thousand pieces. They hope to graduate to sewing large-size apparel for his younger or rather older brother, Rick and his monument soon.

      We can be sure that these children will treasure a grateful memory of their childhood friend and will not abandon him in their adult lives.

      Special Service in the PB-Bar[46]

      Sometimes the chavs and the chavettes[47] – the most uncompromising followers of Blockhead come to the PB Bar. They used to drink heavily but now they frequent their favourite, not to order ten shots of whiskey but special custom-made hammers.

      As they sit at their tables the most advanced of the chavs yells out ‘BP!’ and the others respond ‘Always prepared!’ and tap the hammers on certain places of their heads. Then they tap the hammers on the others’ heads so that they could temporarily ‘tap out’ of the common ways of life. Some achieve kaif by making one hard blow; others prefer to tap several times with small pauses or to tap out a beat. Since it is difficult to hit the precise spot on the head, the waiters bring a brain map made by phrenologist Gall along with the utensils.

      There is much stuff in the Blockhead fans’ heads and to keep the novices from making mistakes and help others to evoke the exact sensations from the hammer blows there is always a waiter on duty whose head displays this geography of feelings such as: vanity, pleasure, fear, disgust, dignity, fury

      Naturally it does not subside after the hammer blows, and with each cheer the mates increase the dosage and order heavier tools each time. This tradition stems out from a mere coincidence but not all at once. One day the chavs were short of money to order the next bottle, and they were about to break out a fight. And that’s when the kindly bar tender suggested that they could order (rent) small 50-gramm hammers with their remaining Latvian lat pees. They could use them to tap each other on their heads and that would put a beautiful, glamorous, and problem-free way to end the party. The chavs soon caught on that the effect of such blows on the dome (melon, nut, etc.) is not that different from the state induced by the expensive drinks. They began ordering drinks just to warm-up and then quickly changed drinks to hammers that got heavier with each new round. Usually at the end of their parties they were beating each other’s heads with all they had got, and sometimes the café visitors randomly got a treat, too.[48] After that the entire company, pleased by the acquaintance, crawled out to the city streets where the new adventures and the new legends awaited them.

      Computer Alternative[49]

      Thanks


<p>41</p>

The music herald: ‘Drammo per musica’.

<p>42</p>

Bilingual Latvian-Russian journal for children ‘Ne’ssy!’ bears an amazing similarity to the Loch Ness fairy (Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster). See Part 2, page 88. Ne’ssy looks like the name of the Loch Ness Monster and pronounces the same, but if applied a Russian meaning it reads: ‘Don’t piss your pants!’ or ‘Don’t be a chicken!’

<p>43</p>

The author uses Russian abbreviation OMOH, which stands for ‘Отряд мобильный особого назначения’, a system of special units of Police force within the Russian Federation, which translates as a Special Purpose Mobile Unit. But he deciphers the abbreviation as ‘отдел Министерства образования и науки’ or ‘Department of the Ministry of Education and Science’ in English. Some people still have fearful memories of OMOH. But this depends on the viewpoint. Consider it as one of the puzzles for the intellectuals. If you read it in Russian, Special Purpose Mobile Unit really comes to mind, but you can also read it the way it was intended, namely, the other way around! And then the humane attitude of the special purpose is revealed: HOMO. It is simple! You just have to define and choose your way of reading and your life position.

<p>44</p>

Freak is a self-expressive individual whose other personality (alter ego) is shown externally. Their motto is: ‘Do not fear seeming clownish!!!’

<p>45</p>

In the Latvian language the word café is ‘kafejnica’, so the author uses ‘факейница’ that, on one hand rhymes perfectly with kafejnica, on the other is similar to the scandalous f-word.

<p>46</p>

Department of Health and Wellbeing Booklet ‘Fight Alcohol!

<p>47</p>

The typical chav is young lower-class person who displays intentionally brash and loutish behaviour.

<p>48</p>

But more frequently they join a regular beach (beach or beachcomber) at his table, who reminisces about his childhood in a pioneer camp where he was a drummer. It was his blueprints that later influenced the making of these hammers. The word beachcomber was once used to describe beach’s regular potheads. But the author offers an alternative interpretation. In Russian beach is spelled бич, which he deciphers as a бывший интеллигентный человек or a former intelligent person in English.

<p>49</p>

Computer Journal ‘Knights of the Virtual Freedom’.