Второй раз он настойчиво выяснял у меня причину обиды два дня подряд – как раз перед моим вылетом на очередной греческий остров. Я даже отправила ему шуточную угрозу: «Вот как напишу на острове роман про то, как ты…»
На что получила ответ «не мальчика, но мужа»:
«Не-не-не, это не роман, и даже не история, и не эпизод… это всего лишь момент из жизни двух взрослых самодостаточных людей, которые просто недопоняли друг друга. Прости, я поступил неправильно, когда исчез, ничего не объяснив, у меня была чёрная полоса, проблемы с деньгами и вообще… но как только жизнь стала налаживаться, я позволил себе тебя…»
И это «я позволил себе тебя» пропечаталось во мне раз и навсегда, мгновенно соединив в единое целое километры воспоминаний:
«Я даже не знаю, чем ещё тебя удивить…»
«О ужас, я – уже дедушка!»
«Я похудел на Икс килограмм! Теперь совсем как мальчик!»
Я улыбнулась и написала совершенно серьёзно:
«Услышь меня… Ты не обязан быть супергероем! Если у тебя нет денег, чтобы снять для нас „Метрополь“ целиком, мы можем просто погулять по городу. Если ты станешь импотентом, погладишь меня по спинке, и мне будет приятно… Жизнь слишком коротка, чтобы терять время, зависая на чёрных полосах!»
Кто-то дёрнул меня за руку.
В полудрёме, лёжа на белоснежном песке, я приоткрыла глаза, но вскрикнула от испуга – вместо привычного Неба мой взгляд уткнулся в чумазое лицо… Мальчика!
Он засмеялся и, убегая от берега в сторону деревни, кричал по дороге заветное:
– Фонарик! ФО-НА-РИК!!!
Я встала, вздохнула и перевела взгляд на Океан…
Вода… кругом – вода…
«Океан приходит сюда молча…»
4.1. Life is too short
Michael… I wished he had been with me on the Island!
We never spent vacation together… I used to send him my erotic pictures from the Greek islands asking, «Which girl do you prefer? Choose!» to get in response, «Let’s take them all!» He had a good sense of humor…
Yes, perhaps Michael was the only man sent to me from Above, whom I would marry immediately, having quite consciously agreed with the fact that he would cheat on me after the wedding in the same way, as he cheated on his wife with me.
It was strange for me that many girls were lost in deep illusions concerning the possibility of changing a man via some stamp in his passport. I never understood those who used to read phones, to look out for a strange hair on clothes, to sniff out foreign smells and to perform other functions of a private detective. Having noticed the evidence, probably I would have said something acrimonious, asking not to bother me with it any more.
Was I jealous of Michael for his wife? No. Did I secretly want them to get divorced? I didn’t even think in that direction.
His wife was an axiom. Besides, almost from the first day of our acquaintance, Michael hammered into my mind the idea that I was absolutely free and could find another man at any moment with the aim to be friends or to get married, and he would be sincerely happy for me and even ready to celebrate my wedding, because there was no Michael in my life and would never be.
From time to time, I honestly tried to get acquaintance with someone with the aim of creating a family, considering exclusively free boys, and sometimes I even shared the results of such search with Michael. Negative results. Not because I had excessive demands to a potential prince.
Apparently, it was my destiny. I attracted not «my» men, such as chronic alcoholics, hardened gigolos, uncompromising atheists and sexual perverts. With all the wealth of choice, there was no alternative to Michael.
Perhaps for the spirit of freedom each of our rendezvous, which could become the last one, turned out into a bright holiday, and such a format of relations withstood a rather long test of time.
Michael never gave me money or gifts, but the most magical February the 14th was connected with him. Michael just used to catch for us a unique moment of «here and now», in which we found ourselves shining as the Sun.
However, the feeling of being unoccupied and not belonging to anybody poisoned me. What did it cost him to admit that he existed in my life? In general, we must face the truth, that was not at all the relationship that could bring happiness, should be dreamed of and / or envied.
We quarreled in all these years only twice. Not even quarreled. I took offense. The first time I didn’t like his cynical words about… Or rather, the tone of expressing