Such situations were rare. But every time I ran into them, it was like walking along the edge of a knife where someone else’s life was on the line. Sometimes it took me considerable effort to intercept the fall. Gradually, an understanding developed: “helping is my key need.” But not everyone needs my help, because any intervention of mine will radically and irrevocably change a person’s life.
At the same lectures I observed how some students switched off into a hypnotic-like sleep with the beginning of my words and came to their senses only by the phrase “class is over.” Where their consciousness was wandering at these moments – I could not determine. Rather, it seemed that, coming into contact with my consciousness, their system “hung up” and turned on only when I stopped broadcasting the material.
***
The school year was ending. The last time I taught at the university. I warned everyone in the department about my dismissal. I was terribly sorry to leave, but I was even more tired of the constant noise of other people’s problems in my head, of the tension when you hear a mental cry for help or despair that youth is not able to express. Someone is always hungry, because they ran out of money. Someone broke up with a loved one. Someone evaluates my appearance. Someone has problems with parents or family… Constant noise.
I have often been told by students that when I tell the material, it is as if they see an internal training film. That’s probably why my lectures were always quiet. Many people began to come up with questions for me and ask me to convert them into tasks. Some reported that they stopped being ill after my lectures, and asked to come with friends. Others asked to work with them individually.
All this was very much beyond the scope of correct teaching at the university. That’s why I decided to leave to go into private practice.
Private practice is a miracle that puts everything in its place. Those who really need to come to me will be able to come to me, and those who are not ready for my influence will not come into contact with me.
I didn’t know then what my “impact” was, but everyone who came to me for help received a completely unexpected result.
Now there is the question of “my concept of the world” —
– What do you mean? I asked, still deciding whether to voice what I’d been seeing for the past three years or to change the subject.
The question was serious. The kid who asked it – a perfect “misfit”, who was diligently searching for his own “concept”, but could not find it. Maybe my worldview would help him. And what is spoken out loud – might help me realize it myself.
I noticed a long time ago: as soon as I begin to talk, when such knowledge is spoken aloud, I say things that I did not even know I had in me. Controversial problems are solved, new sides of theories are discovered. Names, dates and whole historical stories that are important to me and to the audience come up. Some of them are quite logical, while others I had to look up and find confirmation in historical references or rare sources.
– I want to hear the reason you have for helping people? – What is it? “he asked more decisively.
– …?
It was an unexpected revelation. I never knew that someone was watching me so closely to notice, that I was quietly aligning their lives…
“The influence of a teacher assumes a priori some intervention into private space, with the aim of teaching new skills and to enhance student experience” – the phrase for the response developed, as usual, almost automatically and was launched in the process of speaking. But he continued confidently and aggressively, not allowing anything to stop him:
– You change the lives of those with whom you work! They even change in appearance, even more so in personality!
I felt bad-I tried not to make radical changes in an environment where they are not ready for this. “Where did I go wrong?!” – flashed in my head. But when I looked at the students, I thought for a second that I was seeing them for the first time. Thoughtful, greedy eyes were ready to catch every word. This, it turns out, was how much they were interested in the hidden side of my personality. I thought they didn’t care. But no…
– Tell us! You are still going to leave the university! What do you have to lose? And we want to know how you see this world – " came from all sides.
“So be it, – I said, finally making up my mind. Really, what do I have to lose? At least I’ll listen to what it sounds like, spoken out loud.
***
And so, I opened my mouth to say the first words, but the air seemed to thicken. It became difficult for me to breathe. Pictures of interconnected systems of energy of our planet began to be “unloaded” into my consciousness, as if educational films and high-resolution programs were being copied into a computer.
Yes, I really like this process. It was for the sake of these feelings, in order to legalize them in my life and not look stupid, that I aspired to science. It seemed to me that a scientist is allowed to say strange thoughts aloud and sometimes fall out of reality. I had to bring myself back to reality every time I left the library or the university. I didn’t care much about the rules of life. But my life experience has shown that a neat appearance and external adequacy allow you to avoid many problems and collisions. Over time, I learned to be diligently silent, to be friendly, to have a set of socially significant attributes that a person of the desired community usually has.
Gradually, I grew accustomed to this condition, and it became comfortable for me. Only now did I notice that I had never told anyone in the last ten years about something that really impressed or excited me. The information about the structure of the World that had recently unfolded in my head, accompanied by imaginative series of significant situations and iconic meetings that took place in reality, was too much even for a scientist with a degree to broadcast.
And I suddenly realized that I DIDN’T KNOW HOW to talk about what was really important to me.
This is the defensive reaction of my psyche. So, I opened my mouth, but I choked…
***
I was silent for a minute trying to control my own vocal cords, but my voice reappeared only when I decided to make the situation comfortable for myself:
– I will tell you everything in detail, but I only ask that those, who are not very interested or who have other things to do, to leave. I don’t want to be interrupted or disturbed by extraneous desires. This is my first time voicing my worldview, and I would hate for anyone to interfere with my story.
No one moved. The air thickened a little more. Now the images and information rows lined up in my mind. It was only necessary to open my mouth and say the first word, so that the information began to form itself into consecutive phrases and sentences. At the same time, a mental film unfolded in front of my inner eye, clarifying the details and allowing me to describe the figurative series and moments more correctly. This is how I passed my exams, and how all my papers, including my dissertation, were written. The only thing that I had to bother with sometimes was to sum up the results in order to differentiate the information blocks among themselves and to place accents for the listeners. It was something of a favorite game.
It started when I was twelve. I went to the library and asked for information that I would need “for life”. And, lo and behold, the books seemed to call me from the bookshelves, lay down in my hands and opened on the right pages. It was as if the space around me was alive and told me amazing stories. Everything that the books gave me mattered and was realized within a month; the books that were not in place reached out to me through the hands of other people. I communicated. It was communication with the world, bright, open and extremely funny. People couldn’t