When we set out to write this book, we asked ourselves, “What really are the core concepts of being a lawyer?” What was interesting to us is that few people we spoke with focused on legal knowledge, intelligence, or even experience. Successful lawyers and clients alike kept focusing on the soft skills. What soft skills does every great lawyer need to succeed? After many discussions with lawyers and clients, and thinking about our own careers, we came up with four key concepts:
1 Empathy.
2 Listen first, talk second.
3 Ask questions, especially when you don't know the answer.
4 Always (usually) give advice.
Note that these concepts are in a particular order. We would suggest that you approach clients, colleagues, and bosses with these in mind.
Empathy
When we talk about the divide, the single biggest gap is a lack of empathy from the lawyer to their client and junior lawyers to senior lawyers. You'll note that we are not focusing on anyone's empathy toward you. It's not that it isn't important, but rather you already know what type of empathy you need to feel your best and we don't know you. But also, let's face it, in many situations as a junior lawyer, people don't want to think about your needs. If you haven't heard this before, then get used to it.
We are trying to show you the other side so that you aren't surprised. And with all our collective years in the legal business, we feel qualified to talk about clients and senior lawyers.
Okay, so what is empathy? According to the dictionary, the definition of empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” There are also three kinds of empathy, which we'll explore now.
The first type of empathy is called cognitive empathy. This is simply understanding how another person feels and what they might be thinking. This is the ability to take the perspective of another or walking in someone else's shoes, so to speak.
The second type of empathy is called emotional empathy. This is when someone feels physically along with another person as if their emotions are shared. A good example of this is what some people might feel (e.g., cringing or wincing) when they see a wreck in a car race, someone being thrown from a bull, or perhaps even tripping and falling while walking down a sidewalk. There was a joke in here about how Jason dances, but he kept taking it out of the drafts.
The third type of empathy is called compassionate empathy. This is when not only does a person understand and feel for someone's situation, but also is moved to then act and help that person.
At this point, it's appropriate to take a deep breath, relax, and think about how you've previously experienced (or not) these three types of empathy. It's also a probably a good idea to ask yourself how emotionally comfortable you are with each of these concepts (one, two, three…). Okay. Break's over.
We believe that the vast majority of new lawyers lack empathy toward their clients and bosses. Some of this is due to the mental, physical, and emotional strain of being a new lawyer. Some of this is due to working too hard, being too tired, and worrying about paying off student loans. Some of this due to people entering the profession who are not naturally empathic humans. Some of this is because law school beats it out of you over three years.
Whatever the case is, this lack of empathy is perhaps the biggest wedge between lawyer–client relationships. And it doesn't help you get ahead when your boss doesn't feel like she is getting this acknowledgment as well.
When Jason was a venture capitalist, he was amazed by how many times he would hear a junior lawyer complain about how “stupid” the client was. Most of the time this was a junior lawyer disparaging a CEO who had just laid everything on the line in founding a startup, a proposition that more than 50% of the time ends in complete failure. In return, Jason would hear from the startup CEO that their lawyer “frustrated them” or “didn't listen well.” Because of this, the CEO was reticent to call the lawyer and thus didn't seek legal help when they probably should have, leading the junior lawyer to have clean-up work, which reaffirmed their belief that the CEO was stupid.
This is a relatively small example of the issue, but let's take an empathetic lens to the CEO's reality. An empathetic person, who had even a small clue about what startup CEOs deal with on a regular basis, would know:
1 Being a CEO is a very lonely job. You can't really talk to anyone at the company about your fears, as you don't want to freak anyone out. The result is the CEO has few, if any, open and honest relationships.
2 Being a CEO means you are, literally, responsible for every employee's (and their families') paycheck and medical benefits, among other things.
3 No one really ever wants to call their lawyer. It's costly and means there is an issue they can't handle themselves.
4 Startups are notoriously under resourced. They don't have enough money, time, and people. Every good CEO Jason ever met along the way carries this burden with them.
5 CEOs are focused manically on the business, as they should, and not the detailed legal stuff the young lawyer is focused on.
6 The CEO probably spends a ton of time as unofficial counselor to other executives of the company.
Now these factors don't even account for any current situation the CEO is dealing with. Perhaps the product isn't working correctly, their largest customer just left to go with a competitor, they are running low on cash, or they just got a terrible review online. If you think for a moment about the systemic issues, coupled with any acute problem, it's no wonder that startup CEOs suffer so frequently from mental burnout and health issues. We haven't even begun to talk about how these take tolls on their personal and family lives.
And here the young lawyer thinks the CEO is an idiot, because they aren't focusing enough on the things the lawyer thinks they should. Like the legal stuff is what the CEO wants to keep front of mind when every day is a tightrope walk across lava? Hmmmm. Maybe the lawyer should try to become a person who helps the CEO feel less lonely. Maybe the lawyer should start with empathy and not intellectual criticism, and maybe then the lawyer might start to understand what the CEO is going through. And maybe then the divide between the client and lawyer will lessen. Maybe the lawyer will build a real and trusting relationship with the CEO.
What about your boss? They've got it easier than you, right? They make more money, have more experience, and have more job security. They might even be making money off of you, depending on what your job is. But perhaps their elevated status comes with extra pressures you can't imagine. Maybe the law firm partner has been told that without a certain number of new clients this year, they will be shown the door, or worse yet, the firm isn't doing as well as you think it is and without those additional clients, there will be layoffs that will include your position.
Maybe the government lawyer you work with is constantly on the treadmill to be reappointed despite changing administrations, or maybe they even have to be elected to their office every few years. Maybe the immigration partner is terrified their whole practice is going to be upended by new federal policy. The scenarios are endless, but one thing we know: as you mature in your profession, life gets more, not less, complicated. The issues become bigger, the stakes larger, and your personal life more interesting.
If you are thinking, “I didn't go to law school to become a psychologist,” then we have bad news: you have no choice. Seriously, if you think you can “Hollywood lawyer” your way to success by being tough, argumentative, dismissive, and smart, you are wrong. Only a few nonempathetic lawyers we know have become successful, and they are all on Wall Street.
You can think of empathy as “bedside manner.” Doctors learned long ago that the best way to avoid malpractice