a lot. We could hear them at night — my sister and I would be scared. They used horrible words that we’d never hear them say to us or anyone else. When they were in public, though, it was as if everything was perfect. My father just stayed away from the house. He said he was working, but now I know he was cheating on my mother. They divorced when I was in 6
th grade.
There were never any arguments between my parents and me. I just shut up and let them talk. We didn’t talk about politics or current events. It wasn’t until I was in college that I realized how little I knew about the world.
4. What did I get in trouble for?
I was quiet and mostly stayed out of trouble. A few times I remember my mother screaming at me about something small, like when I forgot to pick up a wet towel in the bathroom. My father would make fun of my clumsiness. He’d blow up and call me stupid when I couldn’t do a household project. I still get nervous when I try to fix something at home.
As long as I wasn’t getting bad grades or getting caught doing something I shouldn’t, no one at home seemed to notice me. My best friend and I started stealing alcohol from the liquor cabinet when I was in high school. My mom and her boyfriend never asked me about it. As soon as I went away to college, I was completely on my own.
5. How was I disciplined?
Other than occasionally getting screamed at, I don’t think there was much discipline. Like I said, I was a pretty quiet kid who didn’t make waves.
6. Were my caregivers critical or supportive?
I was really a good student, but I don’t remember my parents being very supportive of that. Other than getting yelled at by my dad for not being good at fixing stuff, it’s like I didn’t exist.
7. Does anything else important about my caregivers come to mind, whether positive or negative?
My mother never seemed happy or satisfied. She never got over her divorce and complained about her cheating husband until the day she died. My father married a woman who was only a few years older than I am. I rarely saw him or his new wife after that. Looking back, my whole family was kind of sad.
Questions About Your Household
1. What were my earliest memories?
I don’t remember much from when I was a little kid. My grandfather used to take us horseback riding. That was fun. I remember my father and my grandparents having a big fight over money. That was scary.
2. What were my best memories of childhood?
Riding my bike with my friend during summer vacation. We used to pack a lunch and take off in the morning and explore the neighborhood. We’d stop at a drug store and pick up sodas and sit in some park to eat. I don’t really remember what we talked about, but it was great to feel free and independent.
3. What were my worst memories of childhood?
Definitely listening to my parents fighting. I felt so afraid and helpless. My parents also had fights with my grandparents. I realize now that my grandparents financed a part of my parents’ lifestyle. When my grandparents didn’t approve of some purchase, there were huge arguments. My sister and I were told to disappear, but we always stayed close by.
4. What adults spent time with me, and what did we do?
I grew up in a household where children were to be seen but not heard. I know that sounds like a cliché, but it’s the truth. Everything revolved around my parents. We did take a vacation for two weeks every summer to the same cabin on a lake. Often my mother would be there during the week, and my dad would come out on the weekends. My parents had friends who rented cabins close by. So basically, all the kids would hang out together, and the parents would sit around talking or playing cards. I can’t recall doing anything with an adult for fun. Oh, except for the two times my dad took me hunting and I was scared to death. I couldn’t shoot straight and hated the thought of killing animals, so he never took me again.
5. Were there others in the household (siblings, relatives, or others) who influenced me?
I looked up to my older sister, but she didn’t want anything to do with me after she went to junior high school. I think my parents favored her — at least my dad did. I never felt like I measured up to her. Over the years, my sister and I didn’t have much of a relationship. We saw each other when my parents died. I went to her kids’ weddings, but we didn’t really connect.
My mom’s boyfriend never paid attention to me at all. They broke up when I was in college, and I haven’t heard from him since. He didn’t influence me at all.
6. Were there special circumstances (for example, illness, trauma, death, divorce, military service, etc.)?
Nothing really. To the outside world, we seemed like a pretty typical family with no particular problems until the divorce. My mother talked constantly about how awful my father was. When I was in college, she’d call me to tell me how lonely she was and how she couldn’t stand being alive. That was a horrible, frightening burden on me. I was terrified she was going to kill herself.
7. Does anything else important come to mind, whether positive or negative?
I don’t think I knew how to be a good father or husband in part because I had no role model for what that looked like. During my marriage, I worked long hours, and after the first couple of years I didn’t really pay attention to my wife or the kids. It took me years to understand why my wife divorced me.
Questions About School and the Neighborhood
1. Where did I live, and what was my house like? Did I have my own room? What were the conditions like?
I grew up in a small suburban house. I had my own room, but there was only one bathroom. It seemed fine at the time. When I was about 9, we moved to a bigger house, and I realized how small the first house was. Looking back, I think my grandparents helped my parents buy the new house. There was a lot more fighting after we moved, and a lot of times, I heard my mother yelling about my father needing to pay my grandparents back.
2. What was my neighborhood like? Was it safe? Were there places I could go outside and play? Were there things to do close by?
It was ordinary, but I now realize it was also completely composed of white families. I had no idea what diversity was about. I never heard about crime and didn’t know what to think about occasional racist comments I’d hear from others. There was a small shopping center within walking distance, and the school had an open playground we could use any time on the weekends.
3. Did I participate in any extracurricular activities, such as sports or clubs? Was that a positive experience?
I started in boy scouts when I was little and got all the way through to Eagle Scout. I was proud of that. My mother came to the ceremony, but my dad didn’t. He said he had to work. I was a long-distance runner in high school. I couldn’t play basketball or baseball because I was so clumsy.
4. What do I remember about grade school? (Was I happy; what did I think about myself; how did I do in school; what were my friendships like; were there any important events?)
I remember being really shy. I had a few good friends, but they were sort of nerds like me. I was a good student.
5. What do I remember about middle school or junior high school? (Was I happy; what did I think about myself; how did I do in school; what were my friendships like; were there any important events?)
I was even shyer then. I felt clumsy and awkward all the time. I was also taller than all my friends by the seventh grade. I didn’t get invited to parties much. I wasn’t very happy. If I got upset, my mother sometimes would do some of my homework for me. Then she’d make me feel guilty about it.
6. What do I remember about high school? (Was I happy; what did I think about myself; how did I do in school; what were my friendships like; were there any important events?)
I had a few more friends then and started dating some. I got pretty down when a girl jilted me. I remember staying in my room for hours at a time. I realize now that I didn’t know how to handle my emotions very well — when I didn’t know what else to do, I’d just withdraw. I worked just hard enough to get Bs, but I know I could have done much better in school.
7. What did I do after high school?
I went to college because all my friends planned to do the same. It wasn’t something my parents cared about, but I always assumed it was something I should do. I didn’t
