Low stress tolerance caused increased sexual preoccupation from the age of 3, and I began not to think about anything except about girls and pussy and about adulthood when I would have it all. All this is not my own speculation. Even Wikipedia describes how aggressiveness, depressiveness and libido are all connected there. When the stress tolerance is low, the organism needs to be able to quickly pass on its genes because it is «in danger, under threat of death.» That’s why my dick was always hard, I jerked off and, in short, went crazy over the desire of girls and fucking from early childhood. If I had taken anti-depressants from birth, I would have a completely different life and hobbies and everything. But I didn’t take antidepressants and right now I’m already 30 years old and I have already lived the brightest time of my life and I will not take any medication and will remain to be myself to the end.
After the psychiatric hospital and the impossibility of education (due to aggressiveness, hysterics and the difficulty of concentrating on crap that was not interesting to me, when there were much more interesting things), my hope to interest such girls as I fancied began to depend only on whether I would achieve respectability and whether I would come to success in fields in which I want and can practice. And me being a neurotic, as well as me sucking in sports and physical activities, all I loved and could do was sit in a room and compose music.
But there was no luck there either. My extreme sentimentality and aggressiveness linked my music tastes to the most unpopular and hopeless genres. This is the first thing. Secondly, the realization of my ambitions depended on the knowledge of English, the study of which with me, a person unable to learn anything and tearing books to pieces until the learning process itself becomes satisfying, took 15 years. And thirdly, the idiotic audience of my genre niche simply ignores a creative product if its technical quality (sound) does not meet modern standards, and they, while I learned English and solved other problems, grew to unreachable heights. And to achieve compliance with such standards, to understand all that technical part of music production, all those programs and equipment is exactly the area that required training, communication with more authoritative people (impossible for me what with my narcissism) and steel patience, nothing of which i had, and I would fall endlessly into hysterical fits, broke guitars and ended up in psychiatric hospitals and in 2021 I still did my music production in primitive programs 20 years ago.
And lastly, in parallel with music, I had a small hope that having the opportunity to neither study nor work, and having start-up money from the parents to buy flats, I could be considered successful if I moved from my shithole town to St. Petersburg and multiplied my money, and it would somehow lead me to having a girlfriend. But first of all, it didn’t give lead me to anything, I just sat in my room all my youth and jerked off here in St. Petersburg, a girlfriend’s company was just nowhere to be gotten from, no one knew about me until I started lolcow activity and jerking off while shitting for the camera. And secondly, starting in 2014, when my peers graduated from universities, they suddenly began to work and receive not 20 thousand roubles a month ($300, standard minimal monthly wage in Russia), as I had always thought they would, but many times more, and all my offers, like of online collaboration for 500 rubles to female vocalists from conservatories or giving me a hug or a walk with them for 500rubles suddenly began to make them laugh, and I saw that all of a sudden everyone began to travel to Europe and move by taxi, and now some of them live in Europe, while I still stayed where i had always been, and with devaluing passive assets and, in short, in general I completely suck in comparison with those who didn’t drop out of school.
As a child, and actually until 2014, I thought I hadn’t lost anything when I ceased to go to school and get an education, because my parents and all the adults I knew also had higher educations, but they were in shit and received 10—20 thousand roubles and never ate steaks. And that’s why I simply did not see the connection between education and eating steaks, driving imported (expensive) cars or living in expensively furnished flats and moving by taxi and traveling abroad. Everyone I knew in my childhood, and I lived in a shithole as i said, who had such attributes of luxury, as I understood and I understood correctly, were people who was involved in corruptions of various sorts or who had risen thanks to the capitalism developing in our country at that time.
But now a lot has changed, various advanced professions have appeared, programmers, webcams. Establishing international relations between ordinary people has become easy. Yes, in my childhood they were already too – all these advanced programmers and English teachers with expensive tutoring prices ($10—50 per lesson, with the average monthly wage 300—600) – but it’s just my family didn’t get along with such and I didn’t know such, didn’t see an example. My parents, being sociophobic neurotics, hung out only either with freaky and poor people, or just with nobody. I didn’t even know, for instance, until 2015 that a Russian person can speak English at all (no one in the family or my or my family’s friends spoke any second language). I didn’t watch YouTube, I didn’t know shit about the up-to-date standards of life, in short. I only composed songs, occupied myself with buying and selling of flats and messaged girls in VK, jerking off many times a day.
Well, the last paragraph, all that stuff about the absence of an example of successful adults, and about unforeseen professions and realities, I mean it’s just had I known all this, I would have not fucking counted on my small-scale real estate activity, or, much less, on composing-music kindergarten crap. Having realized this all in advance, I would have been quiet, as much as I could, and would have reached the army and there would have shown them what it means to put a gentle and sensitive neurotic narcissist in a row with all sorts of fucking degenerates.
In general, naturally, I did not have any girlfriend and couldn’t have. For the only time in my life, in 2021, one did message and come to like to me, we met a few times, even hugged. She was a 17-yo and with the prospect of a normal life with advantages over me in everything, which naturally did not suit me and infuriated me, and I left her city on time, before i would kill her. But that experience has been of use to me, I’ve realized that the only one with whom I can have sex, and so that it does not end for me in aggression and behind bars, is with some very crappy girl, who really sucks. Only such one is safe with me, and I can even pay her 400 rubles at a time. However, since she is a sucking piece of shit, not at all what I dreamed about, rather than the usual vaginal sex, I’m more interested in perversions with such a girl, all sorts of games with anuses, vomit, saliva. Tormenting, bougienage of urethras and all this sort of things. Some very slimy, perverted and shameful activities. But of course we can do vaginal sex all right too. She just needs to reach an orgasm and not stink. So right now I’m looking for such a girl. And I’m also writing my memoirs.
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предисловие для дневника 2020
самая актуальная краткая информация обо мне на декабрь 2021 для совсем новых читателей
01 01 20 ночь – наброски 8интернет