Sponsors are not dictators or drill sergeants.
Sponsors are not God.
Then what, you may be wondering, do sponsors do?
When I asked my sponsor this question, she suggested that I read the seventh chapter of the Big Book, “Working with Others.” A sponsor’s only job (and only area of expertise) is to help fellow alcoholics not take that first drink by passing this program on to others as it was passed on to him or her in order to stay sober. The only qualification is his or her own experience learning to stay and live sober, and the gift a sponsor gives is the hope, should another alcoholic care to listen, that he or she might do the same.
With this in mind, here are some other questions I learned to consider when choosing a sponsor:
Does he or she truly walk the walk, or simply talk the talk? (I learn best from demonstrations, not lectures.)
Is she or he active in service work?
Do they speak from their own experience?
Does he or she refer to the Big Book, the “Twelve and Twelve,” and other AA literature when they speak?
Most importantly, is she or he happy in sobriety? I spent years in the miserable darkness of alcoholism. I did not know what real happiness was when I came through the doors of AA. I needed someone to teach me, by example, how to live in peace and joy and service in this world through the Steps and fellowship of this program. I believe that happiness and joy are a result of taking the Steps and doing the next right thing. I cannot do this or any part of the program alone and today, thanks to the God of my understanding, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and my sponsors, I never have to again.
RITA H.
Greensboro, North Carolina
The Silent Sponsor (Excerpt)
December 1964
I have heard certain members of AA say that they were able to make the program without feeling the need for a sponsor. Others contend that they have never played the part of a sponsor, although they admit to being active in other ways. These are honest statements and represent a large number of AAs, perhaps even a majority, who have been able to find sobriety either without knowingly picking a sponsor or being picked, or both. However, I believe that sponsorship may also be an unspoken phenomenon—a natural result of the newcomer’s need for guidance and the older member’s sense of responsibility toward the newcomer.
A newcomer will almost always encounter at least one older member whom he likes, looks up to or respects. He will listen to him, discuss problems with him and even try to emulate him. At these moments sponsorship is taking place without the word sponsor ever having been mentioned. In many cases the new member may not even be aware of what the word means, if in fact he has heard it at all, until he has reached the point in his recovery where he no longer really needs a sponsor in the academic sense.
I believe that we should never insist on a formalized sponsorship. If a newcomer learns to rely too heavily on any one member he may become too one-sided in his thinking, or he may become overly dependent on his sponsor. As I see it, proper guidance in AA must come from a group rather than an individual; the newcomer is cheating himself if he allows any one member to dominate his thinking. A newcomer should learn to stand on his own feet and eventually take his place in the group, independent of any outside influence except the Higher Power.
J. S. C.
New Hartford, New York
A Canadian Sponsor's Program (Excerpt)
February 1953
In my belief the most important responsibility the sponsor has to the new member, is example.
There is no use running around like a hen on a hot griddle while preaching “easy does it.”
No use allowing bigotry to ooze from one’s every utterance while talking about an open mind.
No use boasting about one’s great plans for the future years while attempting to show the virtue of the twenty-four-hour program.
No use for the sponsor to describe the beauties of contented sobriety to the newcomer while he, the sponsor, is on a “dry drunk.”
Example is man’s most powerful force for good or evil. To me, the debts hardest to repay are to those I harmed by bad example, and thus do I believe that my greatest responsibility to those whom God has given me the grace to sponsor, and to AA as a whole, is the good example I can give by practicing the principles of the Twelve Steps in all my affairs.
G. K.
Kirkland Lake, Ontario
A Sponsor Is … (Excerpt)
August 1985
The kind of question I like to hear from a newcomer is “What’s a sponsor?” It shows he’s been listening, and I am happy to respond. Secretly, I hope he thinks he already knows the answer and is introducing the subject in order to find out if I am willing to become his sponsor.
My own sponsor has a good way of putting things. His definition: “A person whose opinions you have learned to trust; someone whose advice you know you are going to follow before you get there to state the problem.”
It was a twelfth-stepper, rather than a sponsor, who first brought me to AA, from a psycho unit. I didn’t consider myself “one of those alcoholics.” Even if I was, I was certainly too intelligent to need a sponsor. Besides, I had no intention of continuing with AA; I was only checking it out to keep my psychiatrist happy. I had discovered that happiness on a psycho unit is having a happy psychiatrist.
I didn’t ask anyone to be my sponsor until the men’s stag group got after me for thinking myself too highbrow to need one. Since then, I have had absolutely fabulous experiences both in having a sponsor and in being a sponsor to others. I’m not sure which has been of greater value and have no intention of giving up either.
Who should have a sponsor? Our group thinks everyone should. Since we are all equal, how could it be otherwise? Obviously, persons new to the program need more frequent contact with their sponsors than those with years of happy sobriety, but we all need a confidant.
Since the Big Book doesn’t have a chapter on sponsorship etiquette, we just pick up ideas as we go along. The most important considerations about a sponsor are: to have one, to use one, and when asked, to agree to be one.
There isn’t any single “right” answer to the question “What’s a sponsor?” But an entirely appropriate answer to the question “Will you be my sponsor?” is “Sure! Let’s have some coffee and talk about it.”
P. O.
Claremont, California
Sponsorship (Excerpt)
February 1955
All of us are acquainted with individuals who measure their success in AA by the number of people they have sponsored who “make” the program. Some consider it a failure on their part when someone they have contacted or sponsored fails to remain sober. As far as my own success or failure on this program is concerned, it makes little difference whether my “baby” makes the program or not. Naturally I like to see him make it for his own good, but the important thing, for me, is that I have tried. I have tried to “carry the message” and tried to give what has been given to me.
It is very possible that I might not be the most suitable person to sponsor a particular new member. I might be unsuited by my personality, by my education (or lack of education) or by my profession. For the same reasons I might be just the one to sponsor someone else. It is my belief that the more we have in common with a prospective member the more help